"For Doug"

Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Twenty-two days since my last post. When I last wrote, I spoke about the importance of not weighing ourselves down this holiday season with "must-do's" and to focus on "want-to-do's". I love writing this blog. It gives me great joy. It's definitely in the latter category. But I simply have not had the energy this past month.

December was a mixed bag for me this year. Lots of happy and fun things - good times with family and friends. But it also had its share of not so great stuff. Work has been non stop for the last six months, with no real end to that pace in sight. But that's OK - I can handle that. The most difficult thing to deal with was the diagnosis just a few weeks ago of a member of our work family with terminal cancer.

I have never experienced the sadness and quiet that has hung over our office for the last few weeks. Cancer is a demon that has impacted almost everyone in one way or another. It seems to be the diagnosis that people most fear and for good reason in many situations.

I am a sponge. I absorb energy around me like nobody's business. It's something that I recognize and am hyper aware of, especially in a situation as serious as this. Why is that important? Because I have often walked a fine line between being mentally healthy and mentally ill. So how do I manage this? How do I allow myself to feel sad and yet not let myself become engulfed by the sadness? Balance, moderation, support, sleep, and laughter.

When I first heard the news, I spent a day pretty much in tears. The kind that seem to softly roll down your cheeks in a constant stream. I let myself think about it, cry my tears, and talk about it. Putting emotions away in a compartment doesn't work for me. To move forward I need to sometimes stop for a moment. Then I can keep going.

My colleagues, many of whom are truly like family to me, have been amazing. We have all been able to hug each other, tell each other silly jokes to take our minds off things, and just be there for each other. And, I am not going to lie, I did eat lots of carbohydrates - my go-to feel better food!

Amongst the sadness, there has been opportunity to reflect on what really is important at this time of year and in life. Our colleague and friend asked us to focus on family and not to be sad. And that is what I have done.

My Christmas this year was much simpler and quieter. I told my family and friends that I love them. I didn't think about things that I want - I focused on what I have and what I am grateful for.

As I ponder the coming year, I am also reminded that life is kind of just on loan to us. We aren't sure how long we have so we might as well do our best to live our truth and to aspire to reach our true potential. Each of us has the strength within us to face life's obstacles, learn from them, grow, and move forward that much stronger.

Our friend left this world yesterday. He lived his life doing a job that he truly loved and built a family that he loved even more. He was, quite simply, a lovely human being.

Doug, this post is dedicated to you. Thank you for all that you contributed to life. We miss you already.

KB xo

"A Charlie Brown Life"

Happiness is a warm puppy. Happiness is a fuzzy sweater. Happiness is a pile of leaves.

Happiness is one thing to one person and another thing to another person. ~ Charles Schultz

 

Charlie Brown, well, Charles Schultz actually, was pretty wise. I adore Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang for a few reasons. First, Chuck and the gang take me back to my childhood and happy memories of times spent with my grandparents in particular. Life was simple for me then - I knew that I was loved, I was happy, and I had no worries.

 

As an adult, things are different. Although I am happy and healthy at the moment, an adult lifetime of bouts with depression has often challenged my sense of optimism. But I am able to see the lessons in resiliency that Charlie Brown taught me and his never-ending optimism in spite of disappointment. No matter how many times Lucy whipped the football away from him, he kept trying. He never gave up attempting to kick that ball! Every day was a new opportunity for Charlie Brown to try again.

 

But here's another thing that the Peanuts taught us all: happiness is in the small, simple things in life. As we head into a hectic time leading up to Christmas & Hanukkah, a time that can be fun but can also be terribly lonely and stressful for many, I think it's worth remembering to take some time for ourselves to enjoy the small things that make us truly happy.

 

It's especially important for me, as a person with a long history of mental illness, that I do what I can to maintain my mental health & wellness during a potentially stressful time of year. So how do I do that? I take a page, literally, from my treasured copy of Charles' Schultz's book "Happiness is a Warm Puppy". Quite simply, I focus on the things that bring me joy and eliminate the rest.  

 

Here's a list of "A Few of My Favourite Things":

- An Earl Grey Tea Latte from Starbucks in one of their holiday red cups.

- Looking at the Christmas lights and Christmas trees in the apartments around my neighbourhood.

- Hosting my annual Christmas party (lots of work but I enjoy every moment of it!).

- Riding the Christmas train at Bright Nights in Vancouver's Stanley Park.

- Making my Christmas cards.

- Watching my three favourite Christmas movies: Elf, Love Actually, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

- Taking my niece & nephew to choose their gifts.

- An afternoon movie matinee with my parents and brother on Christmas Day.

 

These are things that make me happy so I do them. Your list will probably be different but I encourage you to think about what makes you happy and what doesn't, then eliminate the things that just aren't worth your time, or more importantly, worth sacrificing your mental health. 

 

In addition to the above list, I consciously avoid filling my calendar with too many social obligations. I know from experience what that does to me - it makes me tired, cranky, irritable. In short, it brings me down which is not a good place for me to be.

Over the next few weeks, and throughout the coming new year, keep in mind some stellar life lessons from Charlie Brown and his friends:

- Focus on the good things: a hug from someone whom you love, a cheesy pop song, or a cute puppy that you see on the street.
- Believe in yourself and your judgement: Remember when Charlie Brown was given the all important task of selecting the Christmas tree for the holiday pageant? At first glance, it seemed that his selection was awful. In the end it was exactly the perfectly imperfect tree, wasn't it? Kind of like each of us.
- Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again: Keep trying to kick your own football, whatever that may be. Did you overeat at a party? Don't be too hard on yourself and keep moving forward. Each day is a new opportunity!

Although it may appear that everyone in the entire world is happy and joyous over the holiday season, the truth is that is not the case. It's often a difficult time for many people for many reasons. If you are feeling down, one of the very best ways to feel better is to do something for someone else. So give someone a compliment or a hug, bake some cookies to give to your neighbours, or donate some warm clothes to a shelter. And take some time for YOU!

KB xo

 

"Fighter"

“Life is a fight, but not everyone’s a fighter. Otherwise, bullies would be an endangered species.” ~ Andrew Vachss, Terminal

Today there is a small tear in my heart. I am sad. I feel a bit helpless. Mostly, though, I am mad as hell. My sweet, beautiful nine year old nephew, J, was bullied at school today. He told another, older boy in the schoolyard that the ball he was playing with belonged to another child and that he should give it back. This resulted in J being kicked by the other kid. No, I don't mean a small kick to the shins.

Not a big deal, though, right? Just kids being kids. But it's not the first time that J has suffered at the hands or the words of school bullies. I am not sure what hurts more but I am leaning towards the words.

Oh, and did I mention that it's currently anti-bullying week in Canada? Timely and ironic.

My brother made a great point this evening. He said that if your child is sick, the school will send him or her home right away - can't get the other kids sick! Kind of a preventative measure as the school is looking out for the physical health of the children. What about the mental health of our kids? Where's the prevention there?

When Amanda Todd was lying in a ditch after being beaten up by "schoolmates", a teacher found her there. The teacher turned away and left her. After that Amanda went home, drank bleach, and hoped for death.

Bullying comes in all shapes, sizes, and forms. It can be physical and it can be verbal. However it shows up, it can lead to mental illness in various forms - everything from eating disorders to depression and anxiety, to addiction & substance abuse. Scary things for adults, terrifying for kids & teens.

So what is it going to take? When will that tipping point occur where we all stand together and say that this is not OK? When will society all band together and agree to treat each other, young and old, with respect and dignity? None of this is happening fast enough.

I don't think it's too much to ask that when J goes to school each day, he can expect a safe environment where he can learn and grow. Where he can stand up for another child without fear of taking on the fury of a bully. Is it too much to ask? Am I being unreasonable? But J's story is not the only one. Sadly, there are millions of stories out there, all written by bullies and told by their victims.

It's a cliche but it's true - the children today are the future tomorrow. Don't we want our future to be healthy? Please commit yourself to a better today and a healthier tomorrow for our communities. So how about we change the story? I think we can do it. Actually, I know we can do it. Here's how:

* Defend the underdog
* Act with good intent
* Seek understanding
* Spread kindness
* Listen
* Stand up and be counted

For more information about mental illness in kids & teens please check out the Partners for Mental Health campaign, "Let's Call BS", that is currently on until end of November: http://callbs.ca/#home
You can map your mood, take the pledge, and learn how you can impact change.

J really is a wonderful kid. He is thoughtful, funny, loving, and protective of others. When I spoke to him on the phone tonight to check on him and tell him that I was proud of him for looking after the other kid, you know what he said? "It's OK. I love you."

I love you, too, J. More than you can ever know.

KB xo

P.S. Here's an anthem to inspire: "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc



"Let's Call BullS#!T"

"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle." ~ Christian D. Larson

 

 

I started this blog to take a stand - to raise my voice against the stigma surrounding mental illness. An organization that I proudly support, Partners for Mental Health, does just that.

 

I was first drawn to them back in May with their Not Myself Today campaign which shone a light on mental illness and the huge impact that it has on so many of us - one in four Canadians, to be exact. Well, they are back at it. This time they are focusing their efforts on the future of our country - our youth. Their new campaign is called Let's Call BullS#!T - kind of ballsy and I like it! Yes, let's do that - let's all agree that we need healthy kids to ensure a healthy future for us all.

 

What's the big deal? How can kids be "depressed"? What could they possibly have to worry about? Is this even a legitimate problem? 

 

It's a big problem. Just over one in five Canadian youth suffer from mental illness of some kind. But here's the scary part: only 25% of those kids actually get help. It's hard enough for adults to get help for mental illness. Now consider that you are a child (yes, even young children are afflicted) or a teenager. You may not recognize the symptoms in yourself or maybe you do but the stigma is too much to bear. Most kids just want to be "normal".

 

Remember 15 year old Amanda Todd? After her suicide there were still people who said she did it for attention. Too bad she wasn't around to "enjoy" all that attention. But it wasn't about attention, was it? It was about ending the pain and suffering. Sadly, Amanda, and so many other Amanda's before her, just couldn't hold on. Amanda reached out for help and somehow we, society, didn't do enough. That's not OK. They say that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, the village let her down.

 

Often the wait times for psychiatric treatment or hospital support are ridiculous (weeks or months) and kids can't get the treatment that they need. And sometimes, adults write off the symptoms that we see in our kids as growing pains or hormones or a phase that they will grow out of. There are a million reasons why anyone with mental illness doesn't seek and receive treatment. Do you know which reasons are good ones? None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

 

As a society we Canadians need to stand together and say that treatment for mental illness is non-negotiable. If you need chemotherapy to treat cancer or insulin for diabetes, you get it. Makes perfect sense. After all, these are diseases that people can die from, right? Well, here's a news flash - people die from mental illness. And it is 100% preventable.

 

So what can we do? How can we impact change? The first step is simple - let's talk about it. And not in hushed or whispered tones. Speak out about your own struggles with mental illness if you have suffered and challenge misconceptions and stigma when you hear them from others.

 

You know what else you can do? Listen to your kids. When they tell you that they are hurting, believe them. Create a dialogue with your kids, your niece & nephew, your grand kids, and the kid that lives next door.

 

Yes, I do believe that it takes a village to raise a child. But we have to come together as that village and we have to call BS on the status quo. Kids are this country's future - don't we want it to be a bright, healthy one?

 

KB xo

 

P.S. Visit Partners For Mental Health's Let's Call BullS#!T campaign: www.callbs.ca

P.S.S. One my favourite inspirational songs by Christina Aguilera: "Beautiful". Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS5k9IcoQH0
 

 

 

 



"Keep Moving"

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” ~ Maya Angelou
 

 

The one constant in life, the thing that unites humankind, seems to be suffering. Yes, life seems to be equal opportunity in this area. Last week I wrote about some horrible news that I received about someone whom I love. Although it wasn't about me, it hit me in a very personal way.

But I was not alone. Three friends also shared stories of bad news and adversity last week. Although we all suffer at some point in life, it's how we face our struggles that separates us.

My last post was about letting myself feel the myriad of emotions attached to life's valleys. A friend who read it and who has faced her fair share of challenges, shared some advice that I think hits the nail on the head: life is about showing up. Darn right it is.

When I feel sad or depressed my natural default state is to withdraw from the world. Sometimes that means pulling the covers up over my head. Sometimes I need that time to regroup and replenish my spirit and soul.  This past week I did a little bit of that but I also knew that I needed to balance that with connection - connection with friends and family, and connection with purpose. In this case, my purpose was work.

Although there were many times that I felt like crying (sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't), I persevered. As I often say, it was one foot in front of the other.

But here is the bigger question: how can our point of view impact our recovery from trauma or bad news? Yes, bad things happen. Does that mean that the world is an awful place? Some people would answer yes to that question. My answer is no. And that is the key.

I have written about automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) in the past and I think it's a concept worth revisiting in this context. We are all human beings and it's natural to think negative things at times, especially when faced with the worst. Acknowledge your pain, sadness, and anger - don't push it away. But then make a choice as to which path you will take. Do you want to move forward and find happiness? Or do you want to stay where you are?

It may be a hard question to answer and taking the steps forward can be terrifying. As Maya Angelou said, "You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated."

I found comfort this week. There was comfort in friends who hugged me and let me cry. There was comfort in focusing on work. There was comfort in snuggles with my nephew. Sometimes when bad things happen to us, it also shows us the good in this world.

KB xo



"Adversity in the Face of Adversity"

"It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you."

From "Free to Be, You and Me" by Marlo Thomas and Friends

Sometimes life sucks. It just does.

I recently received some difficult news about someone very dear to me. And it left me reeling. I felt sad and more than a little helpless. How do I help? What do I do? Sad and helpless. As someone for whom the devil of depression is never far away, bad news can also be scary. Will this pull me back into the darkness?

One thing that I have learned is to be vigilant about my health and well-being. How can I be strong enough to support loved ones through difficult times if I am falling apart?



So how have I handled this, how have I processed my feelings? Well, first of all, I let myself cry. A couple of times. Good and hard. There may be more tears and that is OK. Crying can be healthy and good for you - it releases chemicals that can make you feel better.

Step two is that I am following healthy habits: long walks, deep breathing, burning essential oils, healthy food, lots of rest, and omega three capsules. It's kind of like putting your oxygen mask on first in an emergency on a plane. You have no chance of helping others if you aren't breathing.

The final step is talking. Part of my way of coping with difficult times is by talking about them. If this is not something that you normally feel comfortable doing, I am going to challenge you to step out of your comfot zone a bit. Find a friend or family member whom you can confide in. Better yet, when it comes to the really tough stuff, try and find a counsellor or psychologist - a completely neutral third party can be an amazing help when you just need to talk it out. Bottling things up never helps.

Sometimes it feels like we just can't handle more bad news or adversity. You think, wasn't I just getting over that last crappy thing that happened?! Well, here's something that I know for sure after facing a lot of adversity in the last decade - I am not "special". Everyone goes through hard times. It doesn't mean that the world is an awful place, although at moments it can sure feel that way.

Adversity and difficult times are opportunities for personal growth and building resiliency. And chances to show empathy, compassion, and love.

The next time that life throws you a curveball, and I promise that it will, how will you handle it? Will you step up to the plate? Remember, you are stronger than you know. I bet you can hit it out of the park.

KB xo

P.S. This post is dedicated to Tanya, Sarah, Debbie, Sandi, Santu - thanks for supporting me without having to know why.

"Rainy Nights"

Well, I love a rainy night
It's such a beautiful sight
I love to feel the rain
On my face
To taste the rain on my lips
In the moonlight shadows

 

I Love a Rainy Night ~ Eddie Rabbit

 

My moods are sometimes like the weather, somewhat mercurial. Take the past week for example. Happy, content, annoyed, irritable, grateful, loving. Oh, and anxious.

 

Yes, my old friend anxiety came 'round for a visit. Although I am much more acquainted with her cousin, depression, sometimes anxiety likes to remind me who's boss. Yes, she thinks she's in charge and sometimes that's the case.

 

I awoke on Monday morning to a good old fashioned anxiety attack. As I lay in bed my mind began racing and so did my breathing. I was close to tears, to shutting down and just giving in to it. But I stopped myself. I recognized that old game - I had anxiety's number, so to speak. So I took a few deep, slow breaths and managed to get myself to the shower, then dressed, and then off to work. A few hours in and I started to feel better. I was still shaky but I was so glad that I was at work, surrounded by people that I care about and who care about me.

 

I was actually in charge, it turns out. I sent anxiety packing and by the end of the next day she had cleared out and left me in peace.

 

I haven't had many anxiety attacks in my life, thankfully. But this one was a bit of a reminder for me. It was a reminder to be conscious about worry. You see, I had forgotten about the value of staying in the moment, of not letting worry about the future rob you of the joy that can be found in this moment in time.

 

I had a great conversation with my Dad this afternoon. We talked about how difficult life can be - the challenges that each of us face. Yes, we all have hard times and challenges in life. Nobody is immune. But what makes each of us different is how we handle these challenges. We can choose to be defeated or we can choose to fight.

 

How do you fight? It's hard but if you equip yourself with the right weapons, it's an easier battle.

 

One of the best pieces of advice that I ever received was about staying in the moment. When you recognize that you are beginning to worry about something, stop yourself. Just stop and then stay in the moment. It takes awhile to re-program yourself but if you give it a shot, I promise that it will start to help you.

 

So here's my list of tips and tricks to fight anxiety:

 

- Breathe! I know, I know - it's such a cliche but it's true. The next time that you start to feel anxious or stressed out, check your breathing. Chances are you are taking short, shallow breaths. Slow down and breathe from your belly. Breathe in deeply and slowly through your nose and then out slowly through your mouth. Try that a few times and notice how it begins to calm you.

 

- Perspective! Ask yourself how important the thing that you are worrying about really is. Will you care about it a week from now, five years from now or in your old age? If you can't answer "yes" then it's not worth worrying about.

 

- Now! Stay in the "now". I have been worrying about something that may or may not happen four months from now. I am robbing myself of the happiness that I could be experiencing in the moment.

 

- Smell! The limbic system is the part of the brain that controls some functions and emotions. It is also receptive to scent. My "prescription" for that is essential oil. My new favourite is Cloud Nine from Saje. It's an uplifting blend and it both relaxes me and makes me feel happier.

 

Last night was raining in Vancouver. Instead of feeling sad for the loss of the glorious summer or bemoaning the dreary weather I decided to pull on my wellies, slip into my raincoat, grab my umbrella and head out into the rainy evening. I walked along a street that I haven't been down in ages and just enjoyed the moment. And I remembered something - I love a rainy night.

 

KB xo

 

P.S. Tell me about your experiencees with anxiety. I would love to hear your tips and ticks for battling this demon!