"All By Myself"

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Song lyrics by Eric Carmen

 

When you are suffering from depression you feel so all alone. Painfully alone. The antidote for that is to get out of your house and hang out with some friends, right? Ironically, one of the things that would most make you feel better, being with friends and family, is often too difficult to even comprehend. It's one of the great contradictions of this illness.

 

Loneliness and depression go hand in hand. In my experience, and I know this is the case for many of my comrades in arms who have also fought this illness, I have had the overwhelming desire to withdraw from people and community in general. And I have done just that. You know, deep down inside where there is still a little bit of light and hope, that it would make you feel better to be with people who love you. But you can't quite bring yourself to do it. You can't quite gather the energy and, yes, courage, to stir from the darkness. It starts to almost feel safe, that darkness.

 

I have a memory from early in my battle with mental illness. I was about 25 years old and just learning what depression was and its role in my life. I ran into my best friend at the time on the street in our neighbourhood. I could not look him in the eye. I just couldn't. This was my best friend! I felt that if he looked into my eyes he would see all the pain and suffering. That was too much for me to bear. I cut the conversation short and walked away. I was unable to express my feelings because I still didn't understand them or recognize them myself. Our friendship drifted away slowly and then it just wasn't there anymore. I am sure that there were a few reasons for this but I am equally certain that my illness and its impact on my personality played a role in its demise.

 

During the second major depressive episode that I have experienced, I had a moment of clarity in which I knew that I simply could not be alone. I knew that it was unhealthy for me and extremely dangerous to remain alone in my apartment. I still remember that moment when I called my brother, sobbing, begging him to come and get me as fast as he could. I spent the next couple of months living with my parents, letting them nurture and love me and nurse me slowly back to health.

 

Through the time of my disability leave from work and the worst of my illness, I stayed connected with friends but not always directly. There were a few close friends that I did see but most of the time I just didn't have the energy. It was challenging enough to get out of bed in the morning, let alone get dressed and leave the house. Thankfully, social media and email helped me maintain a connection with my friends. They could send me silly notes, dirty jokes or words of encouragement and I could respond in the moments when I had the strength.

 

Here are a few things that I have learnt about those bosom buddies, depression & loneliness:

 

- Depression is a pretty self-focused illness. It makes you question yourself, doubt yourself - you think you are not smart enough/good enough/pretty enough. You spend a lot of time "in your head", so to speak which makes it difficult to relate to those around you.

 

- Because you feel all alone, you feel like nobody else knows or understands your pain. Frankly, sometimes this is true. There are still so many who think that depression is all in your head (um, yes, it is - your brain, to be exact).

 

- Sometimes we don't share our pain or seek help because we buy into the stigma, too. There were many times during the early days of my diagnosis when I berated myself for being weak. I don't do that so much anymore, thankfully, because I have come to understand that depression is an illness just as much as cancer, diabetes, or the flu. It's a real thing.

 

- "So, how are you feeling today?" Ugh! This is a question that I dreaded and was one reason why it was often easier for me to stay disconnected from people or to maintain a relationship via email for the duration of my illness. It's a loaded question although well-meaning. Depression is not a two-week flu bug. It takes time to feel better and recover. To be frank, in the course of one day your emotions and physical symptoms can run the gamut from back pain and headaches to laughter to tears and back again. On top of that, you often feel a bit of pressure (self-imposed, quite often) to reassure those that care for you that you are feeling better. Yes, "How are you feeling?" is a complicated question.

 

Today, thankfully, I am healthy and well. I realize that relationships and connection played a large role in my recovery. I am thankful and grateful for the love and support that I received as I waged my wars and fought my battles! And, I do what I can now to cultivate those vital relationships and try to be there for each of those wonderful souls as they were for me. I try to pay it forward when I can.

 

The beauty of going through a difficult experience is discovering the strength of those connections in your life. Yes, some were weak and broke but most were incredibly resilient. I guess it turns out that I wasn't all alone after all. Imagine that.

 

KB xo

 

P.S. Have you taken up the challenge to commit 52 random acts of kindess in 2013?  I'm onto RAK #3 - it's ready for delivery to my unsuspecting target this week.

 

Are you on Twitter? Please Tweet your act(s) with the hashtag #52acts and let's change the world!



 



"52 Acts"

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. " ~ Winnie the Pooh

 

I was recently inspired by a tragedy. Yes, something purely awful and heartbreaking turned into something inspirational. I am speaking about the tragedy at Sandyhook Elementary School in the United States.

 

There is so much sadness and despair in the world. Suffering is just part of the human condition. But suffering can bind us, humankind, together. It can make us stronger if we choose to let it and it can teach us lessons.

 

I won't get into the political debate about gun control (for the record, I think guns should be banned, but that's just me, a bleeding heart liberal) or about the role that mental illness may or may not have played in this tragedy. I'll save that for another post. Today I want to focus on the positive.

 

Great tragedy can bring about great things. The journalist, Ann Curry, began a tidal wave of positive energy with a simple idea: #26acts. Her idea was that for each child lost, a kind act should be done in his or her honour. Twenty six lost souls. Twenty six acts of kindness.

 

Revolutionary? No. Simple? Yes.

 

If you follow Ms. Curry on Twitter or enter the hashtag #26acts you will have seen the enormous response that she received to her idea. People were plugging parking metres, paying for the person behind them in the drive through, and donating toys for the holiday season in honour of the Sandyhook children - all selfless acts for complete strangers for the most part.

 

She had one small idea and a wish to make the world a bit better. Did it cost her anything? No - she simply put her idea out there and shared it with all of us. Did she make the world a bit better? I think so, yes.

 

My goal with this blog has always been to provide comfort, spark dialogue, and create understanding about mental health and wellness. It's been a year since I first began writing and I have been inspired by the kind words and encouragement that I have received from you. Thank you! It keeps me going in good times and in bad. The power of a positive word or gesture should not be underestimated. Ever.

 

It's a new year, both according to the calendar and for this blog. It's a time for me to move forward to the next phase in my life and to set new goals. No, not resolutions but small targets to hit and dreams in which to aspire.

 

In the spirit of Ann Curry's #26acts I would like to introduce a challenge called "52 Acts" - 52 Weeks of Kindness. So, what exactly is this? It's all about focusing on kindness and positivity that is out there in the world and creating more.

 

What do I mean by "kindness", specifically? The kindness can be as simple as paying a compliment or bringing some homemade cookies to share with your colleagues at work. It can also be a kindness that you pay yourself. For example, are you normally hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Do you berate yourself when you miss a workout or eat too much at dinner? Maybe you need to treat yourself to a cup of tea in your favourite teacup. Or perhaps a massage after a rough few weeks at work.

 

Each time you commit an act of kindness, record it. It could be one for each week or more - that's up to you. You can write it in a journal, create an Excel spreadsheet, or do what I plan to do - take a big glass jar, write down each act on a small piece of paper, fold it in half, and then place the paper in the jar. It'll be a growing visual reminder of all the good things there are in this world and in your world.



Over the next year I'll check in with you to share my progress and I really, really hope that you'll share yours, too.

 

I want you  (and me!) to live a life of mindful kindness and positivity in 2013. Sometimes the best ideas are the most simple ones: do something nice for someone and they feel good. Guess what? I bet you will, too.

 

KB xo

 



P.S. Here is a quick and inspiring visual reminder that the world has a lot of good in it - enjoy!

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/images-will-restore-your-faith-humanity

"Melancholy Baby"

Ah, my old companion melancholy.

My mother has long called me her melancholy baby and for good reason. Melancholia has never been far away from me, often following me in good times like my shadow. It's something that I am wary of and never forget about.

If you have been reading my blog of late you will know that life has been presenting me with a few challenges. And that's kind of how I choose to look at it - they are simply challenges to be faced, overcome, and learnt from.

On top of all of this, it is a difficult time of year full of expectations for the holidays, with fewer daylight hours, and cold & flu bugs everywhere.

The last week has been particularly "interesting", for lack of a better word. At various times I have been laughing or crying. I have been calm and I have been super agitated & irritable. I have been fatigued and then beyond angry. I have felt melancholy. That, my friends, is a warning to me.

No, I am not depressed currently. Could I fall back into the abyss? Yes. Will I? I don't think so - not right now. And here is why: I am aware of my own personal warning signs and I do what I need to to stay mentally healthy. It's when I let down my guard and take my health for granted that things get dicey.

It's the end of a tough year and I am tired of "learning" & "growing", to be perfectly honest. So what's a nice girl like me to do?  Keep on keeping on. That's right. There is no magic potion or secret recipe for health and happiness. It's a lot of boring stuff, to be frank. In fact, it's at this point every year that I begin to yearn for normalcy. Yup - boring, I know.

So how do I define normal? Well, it's things like doing my laundry, eating balanced (somewhat!) meals at regular times, getting exercise (if I must!), connecting with friends & family, and working regular hours/days at work. Yes, it's bliss to have a few extra days off here and there but normal and repetitive are two things that are healthy for me.

I began today feeling sad and crying. But I am happy to say that I am feeling much better as I write this. And that's because I have listened to my body & mind and given myself what I needed today. I was gentle with myself, took some time for myself, and took my emotions as they came. Most importantly, I didn't crumble and beat myself up because I wasn't "happy". I just let my sadness pass.

January may be a bland month with nothing exciting going on but I am looking forward to it. I am eager to get back into a routine at work and in my personal life. I am sure that my old companion melancholy will still be silently waiting in the background. But I am equally sure that I am up to the challenges that chronic mental illness presents. That's part of lessons learnt and personal growth, the gift, in fact, that comes along with it.

KB xo

P.S. Want to track YOUR mood? Check out this link: http://www.healthyplace.com/mood-journal/

"For Doug"

Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Twenty-two days since my last post. When I last wrote, I spoke about the importance of not weighing ourselves down this holiday season with "must-do's" and to focus on "want-to-do's". I love writing this blog. It gives me great joy. It's definitely in the latter category. But I simply have not had the energy this past month.

December was a mixed bag for me this year. Lots of happy and fun things - good times with family and friends. But it also had its share of not so great stuff. Work has been non stop for the last six months, with no real end to that pace in sight. But that's OK - I can handle that. The most difficult thing to deal with was the diagnosis just a few weeks ago of a member of our work family with terminal cancer.

I have never experienced the sadness and quiet that has hung over our office for the last few weeks. Cancer is a demon that has impacted almost everyone in one way or another. It seems to be the diagnosis that people most fear and for good reason in many situations.

I am a sponge. I absorb energy around me like nobody's business. It's something that I recognize and am hyper aware of, especially in a situation as serious as this. Why is that important? Because I have often walked a fine line between being mentally healthy and mentally ill. So how do I manage this? How do I allow myself to feel sad and yet not let myself become engulfed by the sadness? Balance, moderation, support, sleep, and laughter.

When I first heard the news, I spent a day pretty much in tears. The kind that seem to softly roll down your cheeks in a constant stream. I let myself think about it, cry my tears, and talk about it. Putting emotions away in a compartment doesn't work for me. To move forward I need to sometimes stop for a moment. Then I can keep going.

My colleagues, many of whom are truly like family to me, have been amazing. We have all been able to hug each other, tell each other silly jokes to take our minds off things, and just be there for each other. And, I am not going to lie, I did eat lots of carbohydrates - my go-to feel better food!

Amongst the sadness, there has been opportunity to reflect on what really is important at this time of year and in life. Our colleague and friend asked us to focus on family and not to be sad. And that is what I have done.

My Christmas this year was much simpler and quieter. I told my family and friends that I love them. I didn't think about things that I want - I focused on what I have and what I am grateful for.

As I ponder the coming year, I am also reminded that life is kind of just on loan to us. We aren't sure how long we have so we might as well do our best to live our truth and to aspire to reach our true potential. Each of us has the strength within us to face life's obstacles, learn from them, grow, and move forward that much stronger.

Our friend left this world yesterday. He lived his life doing a job that he truly loved and built a family that he loved even more. He was, quite simply, a lovely human being.

Doug, this post is dedicated to you. Thank you for all that you contributed to life. We miss you already.

KB xo

"A Charlie Brown Life"

Happiness is a warm puppy. Happiness is a fuzzy sweater. Happiness is a pile of leaves.

Happiness is one thing to one person and another thing to another person. ~ Charles Schultz

 

Charlie Brown, well, Charles Schultz actually, was pretty wise. I adore Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang for a few reasons. First, Chuck and the gang take me back to my childhood and happy memories of times spent with my grandparents in particular. Life was simple for me then - I knew that I was loved, I was happy, and I had no worries.

 

As an adult, things are different. Although I am happy and healthy at the moment, an adult lifetime of bouts with depression has often challenged my sense of optimism. But I am able to see the lessons in resiliency that Charlie Brown taught me and his never-ending optimism in spite of disappointment. No matter how many times Lucy whipped the football away from him, he kept trying. He never gave up attempting to kick that ball! Every day was a new opportunity for Charlie Brown to try again.

 

But here's another thing that the Peanuts taught us all: happiness is in the small, simple things in life. As we head into a hectic time leading up to Christmas & Hanukkah, a time that can be fun but can also be terribly lonely and stressful for many, I think it's worth remembering to take some time for ourselves to enjoy the small things that make us truly happy.

 

It's especially important for me, as a person with a long history of mental illness, that I do what I can to maintain my mental health & wellness during a potentially stressful time of year. So how do I do that? I take a page, literally, from my treasured copy of Charles' Schultz's book "Happiness is a Warm Puppy". Quite simply, I focus on the things that bring me joy and eliminate the rest.  

 

Here's a list of "A Few of My Favourite Things":

- An Earl Grey Tea Latte from Starbucks in one of their holiday red cups.

- Looking at the Christmas lights and Christmas trees in the apartments around my neighbourhood.

- Hosting my annual Christmas party (lots of work but I enjoy every moment of it!).

- Riding the Christmas train at Bright Nights in Vancouver's Stanley Park.

- Making my Christmas cards.

- Watching my three favourite Christmas movies: Elf, Love Actually, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

- Taking my niece & nephew to choose their gifts.

- An afternoon movie matinee with my parents and brother on Christmas Day.

 

These are things that make me happy so I do them. Your list will probably be different but I encourage you to think about what makes you happy and what doesn't, then eliminate the things that just aren't worth your time, or more importantly, worth sacrificing your mental health. 

 

In addition to the above list, I consciously avoid filling my calendar with too many social obligations. I know from experience what that does to me - it makes me tired, cranky, irritable. In short, it brings me down which is not a good place for me to be.

Over the next few weeks, and throughout the coming new year, keep in mind some stellar life lessons from Charlie Brown and his friends:

- Focus on the good things: a hug from someone whom you love, a cheesy pop song, or a cute puppy that you see on the street.
- Believe in yourself and your judgement: Remember when Charlie Brown was given the all important task of selecting the Christmas tree for the holiday pageant? At first glance, it seemed that his selection was awful. In the end it was exactly the perfectly imperfect tree, wasn't it? Kind of like each of us.
- Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again: Keep trying to kick your own football, whatever that may be. Did you overeat at a party? Don't be too hard on yourself and keep moving forward. Each day is a new opportunity!

Although it may appear that everyone in the entire world is happy and joyous over the holiday season, the truth is that is not the case. It's often a difficult time for many people for many reasons. If you are feeling down, one of the very best ways to feel better is to do something for someone else. So give someone a compliment or a hug, bake some cookies to give to your neighbours, or donate some warm clothes to a shelter. And take some time for YOU!

KB xo

 

"Fighter"

“Life is a fight, but not everyone’s a fighter. Otherwise, bullies would be an endangered species.” ~ Andrew Vachss, Terminal

Today there is a small tear in my heart. I am sad. I feel a bit helpless. Mostly, though, I am mad as hell. My sweet, beautiful nine year old nephew, J, was bullied at school today. He told another, older boy in the schoolyard that the ball he was playing with belonged to another child and that he should give it back. This resulted in J being kicked by the other kid. No, I don't mean a small kick to the shins.

Not a big deal, though, right? Just kids being kids. But it's not the first time that J has suffered at the hands or the words of school bullies. I am not sure what hurts more but I am leaning towards the words.

Oh, and did I mention that it's currently anti-bullying week in Canada? Timely and ironic.

My brother made a great point this evening. He said that if your child is sick, the school will send him or her home right away - can't get the other kids sick! Kind of a preventative measure as the school is looking out for the physical health of the children. What about the mental health of our kids? Where's the prevention there?

When Amanda Todd was lying in a ditch after being beaten up by "schoolmates", a teacher found her there. The teacher turned away and left her. After that Amanda went home, drank bleach, and hoped for death.

Bullying comes in all shapes, sizes, and forms. It can be physical and it can be verbal. However it shows up, it can lead to mental illness in various forms - everything from eating disorders to depression and anxiety, to addiction & substance abuse. Scary things for adults, terrifying for kids & teens.

So what is it going to take? When will that tipping point occur where we all stand together and say that this is not OK? When will society all band together and agree to treat each other, young and old, with respect and dignity? None of this is happening fast enough.

I don't think it's too much to ask that when J goes to school each day, he can expect a safe environment where he can learn and grow. Where he can stand up for another child without fear of taking on the fury of a bully. Is it too much to ask? Am I being unreasonable? But J's story is not the only one. Sadly, there are millions of stories out there, all written by bullies and told by their victims.

It's a cliche but it's true - the children today are the future tomorrow. Don't we want our future to be healthy? Please commit yourself to a better today and a healthier tomorrow for our communities. So how about we change the story? I think we can do it. Actually, I know we can do it. Here's how:

* Defend the underdog
* Act with good intent
* Seek understanding
* Spread kindness
* Listen
* Stand up and be counted

For more information about mental illness in kids & teens please check out the Partners for Mental Health campaign, "Let's Call BS", that is currently on until end of November: http://callbs.ca/#home
You can map your mood, take the pledge, and learn how you can impact change.

J really is a wonderful kid. He is thoughtful, funny, loving, and protective of others. When I spoke to him on the phone tonight to check on him and tell him that I was proud of him for looking after the other kid, you know what he said? "It's OK. I love you."

I love you, too, J. More than you can ever know.

KB xo

P.S. Here's an anthem to inspire: "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc



"Let's Call BullS#!T"

"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle." ~ Christian D. Larson

 

 

I started this blog to take a stand - to raise my voice against the stigma surrounding mental illness. An organization that I proudly support, Partners for Mental Health, does just that.

 

I was first drawn to them back in May with their Not Myself Today campaign which shone a light on mental illness and the huge impact that it has on so many of us - one in four Canadians, to be exact. Well, they are back at it. This time they are focusing their efforts on the future of our country - our youth. Their new campaign is called Let's Call BullS#!T - kind of ballsy and I like it! Yes, let's do that - let's all agree that we need healthy kids to ensure a healthy future for us all.

 

What's the big deal? How can kids be "depressed"? What could they possibly have to worry about? Is this even a legitimate problem? 

 

It's a big problem. Just over one in five Canadian youth suffer from mental illness of some kind. But here's the scary part: only 25% of those kids actually get help. It's hard enough for adults to get help for mental illness. Now consider that you are a child (yes, even young children are afflicted) or a teenager. You may not recognize the symptoms in yourself or maybe you do but the stigma is too much to bear. Most kids just want to be "normal".

 

Remember 15 year old Amanda Todd? After her suicide there were still people who said she did it for attention. Too bad she wasn't around to "enjoy" all that attention. But it wasn't about attention, was it? It was about ending the pain and suffering. Sadly, Amanda, and so many other Amanda's before her, just couldn't hold on. Amanda reached out for help and somehow we, society, didn't do enough. That's not OK. They say that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, the village let her down.

 

Often the wait times for psychiatric treatment or hospital support are ridiculous (weeks or months) and kids can't get the treatment that they need. And sometimes, adults write off the symptoms that we see in our kids as growing pains or hormones or a phase that they will grow out of. There are a million reasons why anyone with mental illness doesn't seek and receive treatment. Do you know which reasons are good ones? None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

 

As a society we Canadians need to stand together and say that treatment for mental illness is non-negotiable. If you need chemotherapy to treat cancer or insulin for diabetes, you get it. Makes perfect sense. After all, these are diseases that people can die from, right? Well, here's a news flash - people die from mental illness. And it is 100% preventable.

 

So what can we do? How can we impact change? The first step is simple - let's talk about it. And not in hushed or whispered tones. Speak out about your own struggles with mental illness if you have suffered and challenge misconceptions and stigma when you hear them from others.

 

You know what else you can do? Listen to your kids. When they tell you that they are hurting, believe them. Create a dialogue with your kids, your niece & nephew, your grand kids, and the kid that lives next door.

 

Yes, I do believe that it takes a village to raise a child. But we have to come together as that village and we have to call BS on the status quo. Kids are this country's future - don't we want it to be a bright, healthy one?

 

KB xo

 

P.S. Visit Partners For Mental Health's Let's Call BullS#!T campaign: www.callbs.ca

P.S.S. One my favourite inspirational songs by Christina Aguilera: "Beautiful". Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS5k9IcoQH0