"Life is a Journey (Don't stop Believin')"

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose." ~ Mary Pickford

I have a friend and colleague at work who has just announced his resignation after 15 years with the organization. He has a big, wonderful personality and a heart to match - he will leave a huge gap behind when he leaves. When I first heard this I was sad. But within about five seconds I was excited for him - excited about the world of opportunities & experiences that lay on the road before him. He is beginning a new journey, something that we are often afraid to do.

Have you ever noticed that when you hear about a new idea or product all of a sudden you see or hear about it everywhere? Coincidence, synchronicity or higher consciousness? Well, lately I have seen a few examples of people reassessing life goals, dreams, and aspirations. And a big example of this is probably my own experience in the last year or so. My depression was caused by a combination of things - chemical imbalances in my brain as well as a few things that just weren't right in my life. Because I knew that I had to take an active approach in getting better and maintaining wellness, I chose to look at what was working and what wasn't. Everything from my career path to my relationships to my goals in life went under the microscope - pretty much nothing went unexamined. As a result I learned a very important thing about myself: I am much more resilient and strong than I have ever given myself credit for. To be able to travel to the edge of life and back, while a horrible experience, showed me that I can survive through trying times. And I also learned to put things in perspective. When you have experienced the darkness like I have you sweat the small stuff a lot less.

Because of my experience and the lessons that I have learned as a result, I am less scared about taking risks in my life, risks that may get me closer to my dreams and goals. For example, I am currently working in a job that is temporary - it's a contract role that ends in a year. I may find something else at my company and I might not. And I am OK with that. I also took a big step toward my goal of becoming an advocate for mental health issues & wellness by starting this blog. In the process I discovered that I love to write - who would have thought?! So yes, I am less scared about things today and more likely to take risks. And that is a gift, strangely enough, that I received from depression.

A few blog posts ago I wrote about ANTs - the automatic negative thoughts that run through our brains. When you are setting goals or daydreaming about something you would like to do "one day", monitor your thoughts. Too often we tell ourselves that our dreams are silly or that we aren't smart enough or funny enough or "insert additional negative thoughts here." Stop it! Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Believe in yourself.

If you want to learn a new language, live in a foreign country, learn how to snowboard at 42, or start a blog, just do it - what have you got to lose? I think that much more is at stake if you don't try. So go ahead - take one step. It can be the beginning of a beautiful journey.

 KB xo

"Stronger!"

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller...What doesn't kill you makes you a fighter" ~ Kelly Clarkson

Truer words have never been spoken or, in Kelly's case, sung. The last major depressive episode that I experienced was a close call for me. I have never been so low or in such a dark, cold, lonely place. Some days I fought with all my might to make it to the next day. And there were a couple of days when I was pretty close to giving up. Yes, it's true.

But what does depression actually feel like? There is a commercial on television right now that was filmed in muted tones and the tag line is "depression hurts". Yup, it sure does - mentally and physically. Here are just some of the symptoms that are common and that I certainly experienced:

* Weight gain: Often a common side effect of medication used to treat depression but, obviously, it can also be a result of simply overeating - food can be a comfort.
* Insomnia and hypersomnia: There were nights that I could not get to sleep and then would wake up throughout the night. Other times I would take two long naps in a day plus sleep 11 hours at night.
* Agitation: Sometimes I would feel like I was going to jump out of my skin - I couldn't sit still, I would become instantly angry, and feel like I wanted to punch something. Little things would set me off and then half an hour later the agitation would have left me.
* Fatigue: I felt a profound loss of energy and I was extremely lethargic. Before I went on disability leave there were days at work when I knew if I closed my eyes for a second too long I would fall asleep.
* Reduced sex drive: 'nuff said!

In addition to the above I also suffered headaches and backaches (backaches are very common), and would sometimes cry so hard that I thought I would break in two. At times like that I would curl into a little ball and literally sit on the floor in a corner of a room. Depression is an illness that hits you from all directions and can be relentless. Not exactly sexy stuff, is it?

So how do you become well - chicken soup, Kleenex, and fuzzy slippers? Not exactly, although those things do help! I regularly visited my family doctor who has treated me since 1987 and knows me well - he has seen me through the highs and lows. He adjusted the dosage of my medication and referred me to the mood disorder clinic at the University of British Columbia and a psychiatrist (more on my experience at UBC and medication in another post).

I also worked with a psychiatrist for a few months. He formally introduced me to cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and, again, my medication was tweaked. This time a second drug was introduced to compliment the one I was already taking and to address some other chemical  imbalances that I was experiencing.

In addition to the medication, the CBT, and the regular contact with medical professionals, I began taking walks, spending time outside in the fresh air and sunshine, establishing routines and setting daily and weekly goals. Also incredibly important to my recovery was the support that I received from some key people in my life. My parents were simply amazing, my boss was remarkable, and some of my friends were absolute rock stars.

Remarkably, the days gradually became easier. I slowly came out of the darkness. It was a painstaking process, almost like learning to walk again. But it didn't happen by the grace of god - it was hard work and dedication to getting better.

There is no magic formula but we know that some things work. CBT, for example, is hugely successful in the treatment of depression and anxiety. I cannot stress enough how much of a game-changer it was for me and I have heard the same thing from a friend of mine who also suffered depression. Medication, although not the answer by itself, can be another useful tool. And, of course, exercise, good nutrition, and a strong social network also contribute to recovery and sustained wellness.

It's been five months now that I have been in remission (yes, that's really a term applied to depression) and I haven't let my guard down. I want to maintain wellness and keep the devil at bay so this has become a priority to me. But it's still a challenge. Some days are a piece of cake but some are brutal - this week has been a tough one. But the consistent thing for me is to take things one day at a time.

The big lesson for me after all of this is that I really am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm kinda proud of myself for making it through, pretty much in one piece. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller...What doesn't kill you makes you a fighter"

Amen, Kelly!

KB xo

"Circle The Wagons"

Back in the days when the American West was first being settled, it could be a dangerous journey. The settlers travelled West in wagon trains and if they faced attack, they would "circle the wagons" - it was a way of coming together and protecting each other.

For anyone struggling with depression to any degree it's so important to have people to turn to in times of need. A huge part of why I am so open about my own struggles is so that others know that they are not alone. There is comfort in shared experience. I work with some really wonderful people, people who have become dear friends to me over the years. I have always believed that if you share some of yourself you allow friendship to grow. There is a large percentage of people who I work with who have shared with me, in confidence, that they are either struggling right now with mental illness or have in the past. While I am so honoured that they have chosen to share this with me, I am also saddened that it's always spoken of in hushed tones. I seem to be the only one who is fully out of the "mental illness closet". There is still such a high level of discomfort and stigma attached to mental illness - it simply has to end.

Twice this week (and it's only Tuesday), two of my workmates have confided in me that they are struggling a bit. While not in a full depression, both are wary of what they are feeling and are conscious of their wellness. As I said in my last post, those of us who have suffered to a deep level of pain always feel that depression is never far away. But these two friends are smart - they both knew to reach out to a friend. They recognized that they probably need to consult with their physician about their medication - are the dosages of their meds correct or should they adjust the times that they take them? And they know that exercise and diet are important factors in wellness. Smart people.

I think I have provided a small level of comfort to these two friends because they know that they can share whatever they are feeling and I will never judge them. In fact, these were opportunities for me to also admit that I have been a bit down lately, too. But please don't misunderstand. These were not examples of "misery loves company" - these were opportunities to lift each other up.

But the people who I worry about the most, and I do worry, are the ones who don't share their struggles with anyone - the ones who don't have a support network to call upon. But maybe they do. Maybe they just don't realize that the person in the cubicle across from them has travelled a similar road. Maybe their cousin has experienced mental illness but was too ashamed to share it. The people who really need help but don't ask for it are sometimes the ones who don't make it. And that just breaks my heart.

So my challenge to you, if you are someone suffering or who has suffered from mental illness, is simple. Next time there is an opportunity to share your experience, please do. Be a little brave. And be proud that you made it through a truly difficult illness. You will very likely provide comfort and support to someone and you may even literally provide a lifeline.

Sometimes in life we can't rely just on our strength alone. Sometimes we need help. Sometimes we need to circle the wagons.

KB xo

"Sleepy, Grouchy, Dopey..."

No, I am not referring to the least fun of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs. I am referring to me at different times this week. Yup - pretty sure there were moments of sheer fun for the people around me if it was the wrong dwarf rearing it's head!

This past week at work was busy: a few deadlines, a project nearing its close, a new colleague to train. I like a busy week. A busy work week goes by fairly quickly and keeps you focused on the task at hand. And I like my job. However.

On Wednesday I was starting to feel a bit sleepy - fatigue from the pace. Thursday I was feeling a tad grouchy - too much time with others and not enough by myself focusing just on my work. By Friday morning I couldn't put together complete sentences that made any sense for the first hour of my work day. Sleepy, grouchy, dopey - check, check and check! That means that right about now I should be feeling burnt out. Check! But today I can add feeling kinda blue.

For me, this is a like a blaring siren and red lights flashing. As a 20+ year fighter of depression I never feel completely free. Depression is a little devil sitting on my shoulder, just waiting. So I have learnt to be wary and cautious about my health over the years. And I picked up a few tips and tricks along the way:

Keep Things In Perspective: Don't panic - look at the situation. One down day for me, or for anybody, does not indicate depression. It can mean nothing or it might mean something. In my case it's simply a reaction to a busy pace that I have been keeping, if I'm honest with myself, for the last few months. This week and my reaction to it was my body and mind telling me to slow down.

Take Time For Yourself: It's OK to spend time by yourself and for yourself. I have learnt over the years that I need my alone time to recharge. An introvert at heart, sometimes I simply cannot bear the idea of another conversation with another person. It's not you, it's me - really! One lunch break this week I went somewhere alone and had a quiet lunch by myself because I knew that I would feel better if I did. I was able to come back to work and continue on a lot less cranky.

Stay In The Moment and Just Breathe: One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever received was from my first psychologist back in 2003. She told me to stay in the moment, "If you are on the skytrain going to work then you are on the skytrain going to work." Pretty simple concept. But at the time my mind was racing with worst case scenarios for my life so it was a challenge to implement this practice. But I have. When I was faced with a last minute deadline this week, I admit, I had about five minutes of panic. But then I stopped myself, got to work and kept repeating my mantra, "You are just working on this right now. You are just working on this right now." Happily, I finished the task at 4:56pm and celebrated with a hug from my workmate!

Hugs Rock: There is plenty of research showing the benefits of human touch. We have seen the importance of touch on babies and their development, for example. But touch also holds the power to increase those feel good endorphins in us adults. Of course, I know that not everyone wants to be hugged, but I am pretty quick to offer a free hug to someone who is having a hard day. But it's not purely altruistic - it always makes me feel good, too! And you better believe that I am quick to ask for a hug when I need one.

Music is Medicine: As Madonna sang, "Music makes the people come together." It must be good for you if it can make a room full of adults dance a night away. It helps babies develop in the womb. Music has the power to move you - a sad song can make you cry and a silly song can make you smile. I use music in a couple of ways. At work I listen to classical music. It helps me tune out the noise around me and helps me to focus. At home I listen to everything and everything. Today, as we have established, I was feeling a bit blue so I listened to Madonna's Celebration (fun, uptempo dance music) and Kelly Clarkson's new album - her lyrics are fabulous and inspiring. Music simply makes me happy.

Sleep: If music is medicine then sleep is like the air that I breathe. If I am stressed out then my sleep suffers. If my sleep suffers then everything else suffers. So sleep is important to me! But sleep should be important to everyone. My friend, Jen, forwarded to me an article written by Martha Beck about burn out and in it Beck writes, "Sleep as if your life depends on it." Um, it kinda does. Your body repairs itself when it sleeps. Just think about how you feel after a night spent tossing and turning in bed. Now think about how you feel after you have had enough hours in bed and a restful, recuperative sleep. Pretty good, huh? Today, I took a long nap. Because I needed it. When I woke up my headache was gone and I felt rested and calm.

So what exactly did I accomplish today? Well, I put myself and my well being first. Sleepy, Grouchy, and Dopey are gone for now and Happy is back.

KB xo

P.S. What do you do when you need to find Happy? Please share your tips and tricks!

"Reverend Rene and Mac & Cheese"

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."   ~ Albert Schweitzer

Last night was one of my favourite nights in a long time. It wasn't my birthday. It wasn't a holiday and I didn't win a prize. But you could say that I won the lottery. Last night was the night that my friends and I gave something back to our community.

A few days ago I wrote a post about the unseasonably cold weather that we have been experiencing in Vancouver. I, along with most people that I know, have been whining about it - oh, it's so cold that last night I had to put extra blankets on my bed! It struck me that we are all lucky to have blankets, let alone a bed to sleep in. What did any of us have to complain about? So I rallied the troops at work and we were able to scour our closets and come up with enough sweaters, jackets, scarves, hats, gloves and boots to fill the trunk of my car and half of the back seat.

My amazing friends Heather and Simon helped me load up the car and drive the few blocks from Vancity head office (our work "home") to the Union Gospel Mission in Vancouver's downtown East side. The UGM supports residents of Canada's poorest neighbourhood with hot meals, clothes, and general support. When we arrived we were greeted on the street with offers to help carry bags and one gentleman held open the door for us. The lobby of the UGM is modern, new, brightly lit and warm. The volunteers were so happy and thankful to see us arrive with bags of donations - they must have thanked us at least three times. As we were unloading everything, Reverend Rene came out and we were introduced to him. Again, another thank you. Such a small thing, really - emptying your closet of those extra sweaters and gloves. And yet it means so much to someone else.

After our delivery we headed up the street for dinner at the Acme Cafe. All three of us ordered their amazing mac & cheese and Simon and I also indulged in milkshakes - true diner style milkshakes with whipped cream and a maraschino cherry on top. De-licious! We talked about this and that, we laughed, and we just enjoyed each others company and that particular moment in time.

Well, that's great, you're thinking, but what does this really have to with anything? Actually, it has a lot to do with everything. Because the night was an example of the beauty of community and connection.

When a person is depressed, they often lose their sense of community. My own experience in the early days of my illness is a case study in withdrawal - I closed myself off from people because that's what I thought that I needed to do to heal myself. Yes, sometimes you need time away to regroup and be alone. But remember, when you are depressed your mind can play tricks on you and you can't always trust your instincts.  The book Depression 101 by John D. Preston and Melissa Kirk speaks about the importance of social connectedness, "...having a consistently active social life can alleviate some of the pain of depression." As I have begun to heal and feel well again I have consciously turned my focus from getting well to maintaining wellness. Connection to friends and community plays a key role in this for me.

So back to the Union Gospel Mission for a moment. Heather and I spoke this morning about our experience and we both agreed about how good we felt afterwards. Not just good but a sense of calm and peace. Peace? Calm? The environment within the UGM felt slower and more relaxed. Hmm - another lesson on the road of life, perhaps? We all live such frenetic lives. We run from meeting to meeting at work, dash to pick up the kids, grab some dinner, do laundry - it seems like we are always on a hamster wheel. Frankly, sometimes I just want to get off the wheel. So maybe the lesson is to slow down and appreciate what we have. Appreciate the warm shoes that we have on our feet, the roof over our head. Appreciate the friends who volunteer without a moment's hesitation to donate winter clothes. Appreciate a warm meal shared with good friends. Stay in the now and feel gratitude.

Last night my inner spirit was rekindled by Reverend Rene and the folks at the Union Gospel Mission. And it was rekindled by Heather and Simon. Last night I won the lottery.

KB xo

For more information about the Union Gospel Mission please visit their website: www.ugm.ca

"Know When to Hold 'Em. Know When To Fold 'Em"

"You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run." ~ The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Excellent advice, Mr. Rogers. No, not that Mr. Rogers, although he was full of great advice, too.  But that's probably another blog post. Kenny sang about the life of a gambler and how important it is to know when to cut your losses. A good analogy for life, too.

Friends. Some of us have lots and some of us have just a few. Friends play an important role in our lives. When I was younger I was friends with almost everybody I met. I believed the best in people and used the term friend pretty freely. As I began the journey through the early years of adulthood and experienced my first bout of depression I learnt a few hard lessons. I learnt that not everybody has the best of intentions and not everybody is really a friend.

Some friends distanced themselves from me as I fell deeper into the darkness. Some friendships didn't survive and the odd one I simply let go of. I either didn't have the strength to keep up the facade or the friends themselves decided that they weren't up to it. It hurt - that's the truth. As I began to recover from my first major depressive episode I ended my friendship with my best friend of many years. It was a very difficult thing to do but I had to for my own health and well being. She had stopped being a positive element in my life and I just couldn't live with that anymore.

But some people were really there for me in ways that I didn't imagine I would ever need. Some of these people were friends and family and some were people whom I would least expect it of. My boss at the time was an amazing woman. She was my first manager in my chosen career of human resources and had been a mentor to me. She nurtured my spirit and soul and encouraged me to be the best "me" that I could be. She has since drifted out of my life but I believe that she came into it a time when I needed her and what she was able to give.

During my most recent depressive episode I was embraced by a number of key people in my life, people who really came through for me. My best friend, Tammy, was amazing. I have mentioned her before but it's worth doing so again. She seemed to know intuitively what I needed - quite simply she accepted me and my illness for what we were. And she didn't try to rush me through recovery. My mom's best friend, Gail, (my "Mommy #2"!) put her life on hold in Kelowna so that she could stay with me for a week. I didn't ask. She didn't ask. She just did. We cried together, talked together, and laughed together that week. Although a truly awful time in my life, it will always be a treasured memory, too. My dear friend, Jen, sent me random emails with sweet words of encouragement to remind me that I was missed at work and just to let me know that she was always there for me. And yes, some people disappointed me. Again. Some didn't know what to say so they chose not to say anything. That hurt, too.

A couple of decades later since my first introduction to depression and I still choose to look for the best in people - nothing that life throws my way can take that from me. But I am also more realistic about what a friend truly is and what I expect of them. At this point in my life I am very conscious of how I spend my time and with whom. The quality of my life is far too valuable to me to spend it with people who don't lift my spirits.

Think about the people who you surround yourself with. There are those who make you smile just thinking about them. Then there are probably a few who you feel have stolen your energy after spending time with them. Maybe it's time to cull those friendships. Maybe now is the time to cultivate friendships with those who leave you uplifted.

In the words of Kenny Rogers, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

KB xo

From The Rules of Life, second edition by Richard Templar:

Let's have a look at the people who you hang out with. Which ones can you honestly say make you:
* Feel enthusiastic about seeing them?
* Rise to every challenge?
* Make you laugh and smile and feel great about yourself?
* Support you, nurture you, and encourage you?
* Stimulate you with new ideas, new concepts, and new directions?

And which ones make you:
* Feel angry, dejected, or criticised
* Squash your ideas and pour cold water on your plans?
* Don't take you seriously?
* Don't make you feel as if you can achieve anything?

Hang out with the first group. Cull the second group - unless they are having a bad day or going through a rough patch. Move on. Get it done.

"Simply The Best"

"You are simply the best. Better than all the rest." ~ Tina Turner

I am a Recruitment Consultant so I spend a lot of time interviewing people. A common interview question is, "What are your three biggest strengths?" Over the years I have heard a lot of the same answers: organizational skills, ability to multitask, team-player. Yeah, right. Pretty cliched answers. But how many people are self aware enough to know what their top skills really are? And, more importantly, how many actually feel comfortable selling themselves in an interview - or in life? Candidates often feel like they are bragging so they sell themselves short. Here's my free interview tip of the day: it's an interview - SELL yourself!

People who haven't known me during a depressive episode are often surprised to hear me say that my confidence and my self esteem has suffered greatly during these periods. When I am healthy and well I am confident, outgoing, and pretty quick to smile. While depressed I have often felt worthless, useless, stupid - you name it. Pretty much unable to see my value as a human being. But depression can really play games with your thought processes. You begin to believe things that simply aren't true. So it's not surprising to know that low self-esteem & depression go hand in hand. The key is to recognize that while ill you can't always trust your instincts and that sometimes your mind is working against you.

When I first began battling depression years ago, my mom encouraged me to find a hobby, something creative. As a kid and a teenager I had been actively involved in drama and I loved to sew. But after high school I drifted away from my creative side. But my mom was on to something. First of all, making things took my mind off of my troubles, if only for a little while. Secondly, there is plenty of scientific proof of the benefits of art therapy and recovery from mental illness.

Because of my mom's encouragement and my experience with depression (yes, there is almost always a silver-lining), I started a little card-making business from home. I unearthed my creative side and discovered that I had a real knack for making whimsical cards, cards that you can't find at Hallmark. I began to sell them at my cousin's community craft shop, at craft fairs and at work. Now I get special orders for Christmas and birthdays. I love to turn up my music, lay out all my supplies and get lost for a few hours in my own creative world. It's one of the things that I do best - you could say that being creative is one of my greatest strengths. If you ask my niece and nephew I am the best Aunt. If you ask my friend Tammy, she'll say that I am the best friend. If you ask my buddies, they'll say that I throw simply the best Christmas party every year.

What are you simply the best at? Maybe your chocolate chip cookies rock. Perhaps you give the best hugs. How about that kick-ass report that you prepared for your boss? Find what you are good at and be proud!

KB xo

Don't let depression rob you of your self-esteem. For tips on how to improve your self esteem check out the book: Depression 101 - A Practical Guide to Treatments, Self-Help Strategies, and preventing Relapse by John D. Preston, PSY.D., ABPP and Melissa Kirk