"Madness"



Sometimes I get mad. Not just mad, super pissed off. Like today for example. I go through my life happily on many days. Just yesterday morning I walked to work enjoying the glorious sunshine and the stunning blue of the water in False Creek. I was in a good mood - happy.

As my morning progressed I could feel it - the anxiety creeping in. I remember watching the 1950's cult classic The Blob when I was a kid and it scared me. Seriously. So much so that I still recall the scenes of the blob slowly inching forward, covering and killing everything in its path. That is exactly how it feels for me when anxiety and depression creep back into my life.

How do you go from one day feeling happy and the next day feeling so dark and sad that you just want to stay in bed and cry? Easily, apparently.

A million things run through my head when my illness stops by to remind me who is king. I need to start exercising. Oh right - I am already. I should eat balanced and take vitamins that support mental wellness. Um, OK - doing that, too. Hmm. Maybe I should talk to a friend or family member. Yup - on that already, also.

After running through my mental checklist of wellness tips and tricks I remember something important: I have a chronic illness that I can't control. And that's when I get mad.

I get mad because I do what I should to lead a healthy and balanced life but I still have to deal with this big challenge in my life. But that feeling of anger is usually fleeting because I also understand this truth: I am not special. Nope. I am not special because so many people in this world experience the very same thing. You might be one of those people or your best friend or father could be.

So yes, today I don't feel so great. Sad, actually. But I have decided that my depression is NOT king. It's not because I won't let it win - I choose to ride this out like I always do, with my optimism in charge.

KB xo