Sunday, 15 June 2014

"Groundhog Day"

When life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars..

I have seen the future and everything turns out OK. I know what you are thinking: she's finally lost it.

The reality of living with a chronic, recurring illness is that you go through it again and again. Did you ever see that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? Each morning he wakes up and has to go through the same day over and over again. His character finds it frustrating, amusing, annoying and painful. But in the end it's also enlightening to him - he learns things.

Two weeks ago I began a descent back into depression and I wrote about how angry it made me feel. It also made me frustrated as I navigated the symptoms of depression: sadness, lethargy and fatigue, tears and a feeling that nothing in life was of any value, certainly not my own life and contribution to this world. Yup, I felt all of that in the course of about a week and a half. Scary? Yes, it was.

As I write this today, those feelings are all gone. They have left me as I knew all along that they would. Deep down under all that weight and darkness and hopelessness, it was there - that glimmer of light that never seems to go out.

I know that many people, perhaps even you, wonder this: what happened? Did something trigger her illness once again? Nope, nada, nothing. Yes, there are triggers that can exacerbate my illness but it's also a disability for which there is no cure. So that means that on days when I am without depression I try to live my best life - I hug my friends, compliment a stranger, express my love to my family, and make healthy choices for my body and spirit.

But there is one thing above all that gets me through one episode after another: hope. Hope never lets me down and I will never let it go.

So yes, I have been here before. It all turns out OK.

KB xo

P.S. The Daily Good is my hands-down, number one, favourite website for inspirational sayings, thoughts and stories. Please click on this link for a dose of goodness!

Wednesday, 4 June 2014


What a way to look at it !

Sometimes I get mad. Not just mad, super pissed off. Like today for example. I go through my life happily on many days. Just yesterday morning I walked to work enjoying the glorious sunshine and the stunning blue of the water in False Creek. I was in a good mood - happy.

As my morning progressed I could feel it - the anxiety creeping in. I remember watching the 1950's cult classic The Blob when I was a kid and it scared me. Seriously. So much so that I still recall the scenes of the blob slowly inching forward, covering and killing everything in its path. That is exactly how it feels for me when anxiety and depression creep back into my life.

How do you go from one day feeling happy and the next day feeling so dark and sad that you just want to stay in bed and cry? Easily, apparently.

A million things run through my head when my illness stops by to remind me who is king. I need to start exercising. Oh right - I am already. I should eat balanced and take vitamins that support mental wellness. Um, OK - doing that, too. Hmm. Maybe I should talk to a friend or family member. Yup - on that already, also.

After running through my mental checklist of wellness tips and tricks I remember something important: I have a chronic illness that I can't control. And that's when I get mad.

I get mad because I do what I should to lead a healthy and balanced life but I still have to deal with this big challenge in my life. But that feeling of anger is usually fleeting because I also understand this truth: I am not special. Nope. I am not special because so many people in this world experience the very same thing. You might be one of those people or your best friend or father could be.

So yes, today I don't feel so great. Sad, actually. But I have decided that my depression is NOT king. It's not because I won't let it win - I choose to ride this out like I always do, with my optimism in charge.

KB xo

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