"How to Not Lose Your Mind Over the Holidays"

I have something to tell you, a tiny secret. Come closer. Here it is: not everyone loves Christmas. There. I said it.

If you were to believe everything that you read and watch on TV, you would think that December is four weeks of sheer happiness. For many people, it's four weeks of ridiculously high expectations, stress, low mood and high anxiety. In the weeks leading up to Christmas and Hanukkah we are inundated with reminders that we need to spend more money, buy that perfect gift, host the perfect holiday party, and on and on. Add to that poor weather and reduced sunlight and you can easily slip into depression. Even if you truly do love the holiday season and everything is going great in your world, stress is still there.

I used to be one of those people who LOVED Christmas - everything about it. I planned and hosted a big holiday party for my friends every year. I searched high and low for the absolute, most perfect gifts for my family and friends, and usually started shopping in September. Christmas would almost always be spent with my immediate family and my maternal grandparents; like something out of a Hallmark card - family gathered together to celebrate the season. On the surface, it all sounds wonderful. Look closer and you can spot some cracks in the veneer.

SOCIAL COMMITMENTS: Just say no.
The holiday party that I hosted each year for many years was fun. It was also a lot of work, cost a lot of money and, always, I drank far too much and was left with a horrific hangover, sometimes for two days. I won't lie - I loved it for a long time but when I started to love it less and then, subsequently, stopped drinking alcohol, it was time to end that particular tradition.

As my work life has become busier and depression and anxiety have played a larger role in my life, I have had to become very conscious of what I commit to, whether it's at work or outside of work, and how that will impact my mental health. I don't do a lot of socializing anymore and that is by choice. Add introversion to anxiety and you will learn quickly how vital it is to guard your energy levels.

Start saying no. I am getting much better at this but it's a work in progress. Now, before I commit to something, I ask myself, what will this cost me in terms of my wellbeing? If the cost is too high, it's a no-go.

SHOPPING: What IS the perfect gift?
I have always loved shopping. I remember when I was a teenager taking the bus to the mall on Saturdays and wandering the stores for hours on end. I hated Sundays because the stores were all closed. As I became an adult and began living with a mood disorder, the shopping became something that I used to soothe my bruised spirit. It worked until I would get my credit card bill and then reality would hit me hard. My mood would sink and what was the answer to that? More shopping, of course. It was a cycle that I would live with for two decades and that really did a number on my credit rating. And, full disclosure, it's something that I am still working on.

I also equated the perfect gift with happiness. If I could present the two people in my life who seemed to be the hardest to please at Christmas, my dad and grandpa, with the perfect gift then they would be happy and everything would be perfect. There's that word again.

Stop aiming for an impossible goal - perfection is highly overrated anyway. Something else that I finally learned is this: spending time with someone you love is usually gift enough. Plan a breakfast date or coffee from a local coffee shop and a walk in a favorite park. How about plans to catch a movie together in January? Something to look forward to in the new year is a great idea. Just get off the financial roller coaster: set a budget, stick to it, and be creative.

FAMILY: Brady Bunch or Griswalds?
Our little family Christmases were often stressful and that is the simple truth. My dad has never liked Christmas. My grandpa was a man who was not diagnosed with depression until late in life. As a result, he spent much of his life in a 'bad mood', to put it lightly. He adored his children and grandchildren but he was not easy to be around. So my mom tried to make everyone happy at Christmas. And then as I got older, I tried.

Guess what? It is exhausting and just not possible. I am not responsible for anyone's happiness except my own and neither are you. Set some boundaries and make a plan - decide in advance how you will handle the cranky aunt or the drunk brother in law. Create some space to spend time during the holidays with those who make you happiest. Let go of your expectations and allow people to be who they are, as hard as that can be.

A MONTH OF ZEN: Creating moments of calm.
When January rolled around I always fell from my high and hit the ground pretty hard. It's only been in the last five years or so that I have really recognized how all of this - the search for perfection, the spending, the frenzied socializing - has negatively impacted my overall well being. I am sure it's no coincidence that around that time was when I started to come out of my deepest and most serious depression yet. An experience like that makes you look at everything in your life.

My new approach to Christmas is this: I am intentional about creating my own moments of zen. For me, zen is a variety of things. It's gifting my mom with tickets to an event that we can enjoy together. It's sitting each morning with my nephew, our dog and a cup of coffee - enjoying the peace & quiet before the hectic day begins. It's reading a really great book while snuggled under piles of blankets at night And, sometimes, it's as simple as enjoying the twinkling Christmas lights on the house in my neighborhood. Now that is perfect.

KB xo

P.S. Check out these mental health tips for managing the holiday season courtesy of the Mayo Clinic

"Invisible Superpowers"

It's easier to believe in something that we can see, isn't it? With the exception of Santa Claus, God and perhaps the Tooth Fairy, I think it's safe to say that if you can see it, touch it, taste it, it's much easier to believe in it. The same rule holds true when it comes to disability. We can see a person using a wheelchair; therefore, we know that they have a disability. Not so with mental illness.

Have you ever been asked this question, "If you could have any superpower what would it be?" Invisibility would be amazing, yes? You could go do great things - go to places that were normally off limits to you, eavesdrop on conversations and who knows what else. Superpowers are cool and amazing.

But is an invisible illness like a mental disorder amazing? Is it cool? Do we envy people with mental illness? Or do we judge and turn away, perhaps even consider a person with a mental illness to be weak?

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) reports some interesting findings about the stigma associated with mental illness:

In a 2008 study, "42% of Canadians were unsure whether they would socialize with a friend who has a mental illness" and 46% of Canadians "thought people use the term mental illness as an excuse for bad behavior."  Considering that, conservatively speaking, approximately 1 in 5 of us have either already had a mental illness or will have one in their lifetime, that's a significant part of the population to discount.

That was nine years ago and, in my own experience, I have found that perceptions have improved. Let's see what CMHA reported based on a 2015 survey:

• 64% of Ontario workers would be concerned about how work would be affected if a colleague had a mental illness.
• 39% of Ontario workers indicate that they would not tell their managers if they were experiencing a mental health problem.

Yikes! Not good enough. Not good enough at all.

Here is the reality: people with mental disorders are functioning and contributing to the workplace and society at large and they do it Every. Single. Day. You probably work next to a colleague who has an anxiety disorder and you don't even realize it. What many of us don't see is that people who have chronic illness or have experienced some sort of health challenge have developed skills - let's call them superpowers. Some of the superpowers that I have as a result of two decades living with depression and anxiety are:

Resiliency: There was a time in my twenties when a set back would take me out for the count for awhile. It wasn't always easy for me to bounce back from a breakup with a boyfriend or a disappointment in life; I took things hard. The ups and downs of a mood disorder have taught me how to go with the flow and to be able to dust myself off faster after disappointment.

Perspective: Quite frankly, when you have experienced the darkest depths of depression and been to a place where you question the point of your life, you gain the gift of perspective. I learned how to place things into perspective: will this thing that seems so important to me today be as important a week from now, a year from now or when I am 80 years old? If I can't answer yes to all three questions then it isn't worth my time or worry.

Positivity: I wasn't always positive. There were times when depression had me tightly in its grips that everything seemed bleak - the glass most definitely appeared almost completely empty. But for some reason I never lost sight of a tiny sliver of light, that little bit of hope was still there. I made a choice to view things from a positive perspective as a survival technique. It took practice but it was well worth it and I now view the majority of things in life positively.

Confidence: Knowing that I survived the worst and made it to where I am today (amazing friends, a loving family and a career that I truly love) has given me what might be the greatest superpower of all: confidence. It took me many years to claim this particular superpower and now that I have it, I am not giving it back. I know that I can come back from the brink of despair to achieve great things and I am far less likely to settle for that half empty glass these days.

It's time for Canadians to understand that mental illness is not a sign of weakness or an excuse. Those of us with mental health challenges have skills and the ability to contribute to society. We make amazing friends, employees, parents and partners. Together, let's remove that cloak of stigma that renders us invisible - it's well past time.

Now here's a secret that I want to share with you: YOU have superpowers, too. Together we can save the world! Or, at the very least, we can make it inclusive for all. And that's the kind of world that I want for us all.

KB xo

P.S. Did you know that December 3 is the United Nations International Day of Persons with Disabilities? Learn more here. The theme for 2017 is Transformation towards sustainable and resilient society for all. A 'super' theme if you ask me.