"I Was Here"

"I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget"

 

These are the opening lines of one of my favourite songs, a song that moves me and touches me and inspires me deeply: "I Was Here" by Beyonce.

 

I am someone who has questioned my life a few times. I have wondered if I was in the right relationship and if I was on the right career path. I have questioned my choices and what's important to me. And, on a few occasions, while in the stranglehold of depression, I questioned if life was truly worth living. Was there any point to it? Any point at all? The answer, thankfully, always turned out to be yes, it is worth living. Figuring out the point of life, of my life, was a bit trickier, however.

 

Faith is an important element in my life. Some people believe in God or Buddha. I believe in a higher power. But I am not necessarily speaking about religion. My faith is that there is something bigger than me and that there is a purpose to my life. That is a conscious choice I made because I knew that for me to be able to claw my way back up through the pit of depression, I had to have something to hold onto. I had to have faith.

 

So what is my purpose? How did I discover it? And what to do with that knowledge?

 

I believe that my purpose, the purpose of each of us, is to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. I do not mean perfection, by the way, which is an unrealistic and unworthy goal anyway! Our purpose is to learn and grow from our experiences, to touch others in a positive way, and leave the world in a better place simply because we lived. It's hard and simple and challenging and, in the end, worth it, I believe.

 

A consistent thought that I had through each of my depressive episodes was "why me" - why did I have to go through this hell? But why not me? One in five Canadians suffer from mental illness. I am not that special. I began to think about that, to figure out how to be a survivor. As I slowly accepted that I had to have some faith in life and purpose, it provided a little comfort to me that I had some choice - I could choose to accept these experiences, although painful and awful, as opportunities for growth. And a big opportunity to help others through their own dark times.

 

One of the biggest, most positive things for that has come out of my experiences with mental illness is my strong desire to be an advocate. I feel that I have found my voice, my niche. That makes me feel like my struggles haven't been all for nought.

 

As I sought out resources to support me on my road to recovery I came across Partners For Mental Health, a non profit organization in Canada dedicated to igniting social change and eliminiating stigma. Something about this organization in particular seemed to speak to me and I am really excited to say that I am considering some volunteer opportunities to work with this great group. I'll keep you posted!

 

Although I am currently well and not in a depressive state, I have had a challenging few weeks. I have again questioned my life path and wonder if I need to sweep one path for easier walking (a little maintenance!) or maybe strike a new path altogether, in a new direction. But one thing that I have not questioned is my purpose in this world. The compass for me in helping make my decisions is my sense of faith in that purpose.

 

When my time comes to leave this earth, which I hope will be when I am 102 after having lived a life with no regrets, only growth, I will have left my footprints on the sands of time. I promise myself that. Will you? I truly hope so - you have a purpose, too.

 

Please watch this video of Beyonce performing "I Was Here" at the United Nations Humanitarian Day on August 19, 2012. I hope this inspires you as much as it does me.

 

http://globalgrind.com/entertainment/beyonce-i-was-here-new-humanitarian-day-video

KB xo

P.S. Check out the Partners For Mental Health website:

http://www.partnersformh.ca/

P.P.S. Just for fun, here's another "anthem" to inspire you: "I'm A Survivor" by Destiny's Child

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NorDwm8wk5s

 

 

"Recovery 101"

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Happy Anniversary to me! It's one year this week that I returned to work after a four month disability leave. Wow - what a difference a year makes. Today I am healthy and strong. My good days far out number the odd dark day, thankfully. I have almost forgotten what it felt like to feel despair. Almost.

 

It's the end of summer and I am naturally feeling the pull to welcome a new season and the opportunities and joy that come with it. It's also a perfect time to reflect on the journey that I have been on, to feel a little pride (OK, a lot of pride!) at what I have overcome.

 

I started this blog as part therapy project for me, part inspiration for those comrades-in-arms also fighting against depression and mental illness, and part educational tool to help others understand. I have written a lot about what it feels like to fight such a dark, deep battle. Now it feels right to take some time to share what I experienced during my road to recovery.

 

 

1. The road to wellness is not a straight line: Once the oppressive veil of depression begins to slowly lift, you don't immediately feel better and that's it. Nope, depression doesn't want to let go of you quite that easily. You may have a day of two when you feel good, maybe even great, but it's not unusual to feel awful again for awhile before you are truly well. The road to recovery is a marathon, not a sprint so take your time and accept that it's a slow process.

 

2. Accept your limitations: When I returned to work late last summer I did it on a gradual basis. I had learnt my lesson from a past experience where I tried to jump back into work and my "life" as if nothing had ever happened. Guess what? It didn't work and I found myself just as ill, if not a bit more, than I had been before.  Thankfully, when I was finally ready to come back to work I had a great manager and a wonderful rehabilitation consultant to remind me to take it one day at a time and, sometimes, one hour at a time. After having been ill for so long it's tempting to want to get back to "normal" as soon as possible but that's unrealistic and you may be setting yourself up for failure. Think about when you haven't exercised in ages and suddenly you jump into a new regime full throttle. There's a risk of injury, isn't there?

 

3. Accept your limitations but don't be afraid to challenge yourself, too: Rejoining the world can be scary and intimidating. The natural inclination for many of us who have suffered from depression is to withdraw. Sometimes you need time alone but many times what you really need is to challenge yourself. A challenge can be as simple as telling yourself that today you will go for a walk, or tomorrow I will meet my friend for coffee. Simple things that are sometimes overwhelming but also important on the path back to wellness.

 

4. Be honest: OK, this one is super hard - I know! But it's important to be honest with yourself, your caregivers, and your confidantes. It was very helpful for me to be able to share how I was feeling while ill but also as I was recovering. I talked with a psychologist about the challenges I was facing (both real and imagined) at work, I had friends and family that I confided in, and, again, my boss was pretty amazing. I know that I am lucky in that I have received much understanding and support. It's been my choice to be as honest and open as I have been but I encourage anyone who is fighting this awful battle to find at least one person who you can be 100% honest with about how you are feeling. It's simply too hard to go it alone.

 

5. You have nothing to prove to anyone (not even yourself): You know all this great advice that I am giving to you? Well, I have ignored a lot of it at times. I have pushed myself too hard, quite simply, and been my own worst enemy. The biggest challenge that I faced this past year has been trying to prove to myself and others how capable, strong, happy, and healthy I am. Who doubted me? Who demanded that I "prove" myself? Not a single person. It was all me. I finally broke down in tears with a friend who reassured me that it was quite alright to be less than perfect on any given day. Good advice.

 

So a year has come and gone. In that year I have laughed far more than I have cried. I have learnt so much about myself - I am far more resilient as a result of this experience than I would be if I hadn't faced such adversity. I am dedicated to living a balanced life and embracing the joy in it when I can. I know all too well what it's like when there is no joy.

 

Summer is coming to a close and I recently went to the Pacific National Exhibition with friends and family. For the first time ever, while on a ride I let go of the handle bar in front of me, raised my hands in the air, and, with a big smile on my face, I let go of the fear. Life is short - buy the ticket and take the ride when you can.

 

KB xo

"Sunshiney Days"

"Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher." ~ William Wordsworth

It's the end of a luscious summer long weekend, the kind when the days are sunny and long and the evenings are breezy and worry free. I hate to say goodbye to it but at least I can do so knowing that I appreciated each moment of it.

I am having a great summer. I have to admit that it's probably the best one that I have had since I was a kid. When I think back to some of my best memories of childhood, many of them took place outside in the summertime. The grass under my bare feet was soft and damp in the summer mornings and in the evenings, when I loved to lay on my back in my front yard with my friends and look up at the stars in the night sky. We talked about silly things and important things and just enjoyed the moment in time before we even knew what that was or how hard it would be to recapture as adults

I remember the apple tree in my grandparent's backyard. My grandpa built a swing from rope and wood and it was so fun to swing in the shade of that tree. I also loved the weeping willow that they had in their front yard. It was old and beautiful and my brother and I used to love to grab onto the thin branches and swing around the tree. Can you remember being small enough to be able to do something like that?! That poor tree. But she was sturdy, tough, and yet delicate and beautiful - and she gave me years of joy. Today when I see a weeping willow I am instantly transported back in time.

Over the years, somehow, I lost my connection to nature. I have always had a great appreciation for the beauty of my city and province, but it's been more at a distance. I have enjoyed many walks on the seawall and through Stanley Park over the years but that real connection, when time slows down, has escaped me. I must have forgotten the importance of it. Sad, really.

Last summer was my worst summer. I was in the depths of depression and it was difficult to see the beauty around me in anything, or enjoy any moments in time. I spent most of that summer with my parents at what I like to call my "country home", away from the jarring sounds of downtown traffic or the hectic pace of business. For the first month or so of summer it did as it often does on the West Coast - it rained. And I craved sunshine. Every morning when I woke up, my most fervent wish was for just a little sunshine. Finally, it happened. The clouds literally parted and the sun began to shine. I started to spend time outside, first just sitting and reading in my parent's backyard and then going for walks. Nature was all around me - from deer and birds, to the flowers growing in my mom's garden, to the horses and cows in nearby farms.

And then it happened again. The clouds parted and the sun began to peak through, slowly and gradually, day by day just a little bit more sunshine. This sunshine was the hope and joy in my life. I had thought that it was gone for good. But no, here it was once again. It hasn't really been gone, just tucked away. Kind of like my childhood memories and love of the outdoors.

So what is it about nature? Was it just a coincidence that I began to feel better the more time that I spent outdoors? It was certainly part of many things that I was doing to become well which included medication and cognitive behavioural therapy. But I do believe that for me it was equal to those other two factors in becoming well once again.

The July 2012 issue of Chatelaine magazine has a great article called Nature Rx written by Laura Bickle. It speaks to the importance that nature plays in wellness. In the article Bickle references the Japanese who do a lot of nature-brain research. In the 1990's researchers sent study participants into Japan's ancient forests and found that a 40 minute walk reaped great rewards: lowered cortisol levels (the stress hormone!), improved sleep, and reduced psychological stress and depression.

Here are some ways that Bickles suggests to reap the benefits of nature:

* Make The Time: A University of Rochester study showed that 20 minutes in a green setting was advantageous to health and vitality.

* Put A Plant On Your Desk: Potted plants are proven to increase productivity and mood and reduce eye strain.
* Hang a Picture (or just picture it): Studies show that an image of a pleasing natural setting can have  emotional benefits. Same goes for just closing your eyes and just thinking about it.

So how about committing to slowing down and staying in the moment? Lay on the grass, feel the earth beneath you, close your eyes, and listen to the sound of the birds. Feel the warmth of the sun on your skin. Feel the breeze blow your hair. And when I can't be outside? I am going to close my eyes and think back to my grandparents' weeping willow and the joy it gave me then and now.

KB xo



"Optimisim 101"

"Have fun storming the castle!" ~ Miracle Max in The Princess Bride

Three unlikely heroes, one princess, and all that stood between them was an evil king and his army of brutes. How do you like those odds? Is the glass half full or half empty - or, should I say, what's the water level in the moat?

Last night I did a very cool thing. My niece and our friend and I went to the Fresh Air Cinema in the park and watched The Princess Bride. We spread our blankets on the grass to save our spot and then wandered around the park, visiting the booths of a number of great local organizations. My niece planted a seedling that, along with the hundreds of others planted that evening by other kids, will be replanted in gardens at local elementary schools. We tasted delicious gluten free coconut and chocolate chip cookies and learnt how to make organic fertiliser for the garden. We also chatted with friends that we ran into and even talked with strangers sitting on their blankets next to us. It was a real sense of fun and community.

Oh, but did I mention the cranky, rude people in line for popcorn?

Yes, the line was long. Yes, there was only one small popcorn machine. However, the event itself was free, the popcorn was by donation, and the people working there were amazingly friendly volunteers. And yet people still complained amongst themselves in line, muttering under their breath but still loud enough to be heard.

Guess what, people? You have a choice. We all have choices in life. The biggest and most important choice, in my estimation, is whether your want to be unhappy or happy. Simple as that. But is it really simple?

In my well days, days when the darkness of mental illness isn't overwhelming to me, I am a very optimistic person. I generally see the best in people first and only change my mind if they do something to prove me wrong. I try to cut people some slack in life. I do this for a few reasons. First, I know all too well that often people are fighting their own private battles. It could be depression, my own personal dragon, or it could be something else: addiction, family problems, abuse, health issues. So I like to smile at the cashier in the grocery store or say good morning to someone in the elevator. Life is easier for me that way. My days are more pleasant and it creates a feeling of positivity in me. And that's important to bank for the times that I need to make a withdrawal, the times when the happiness and optimism don't always come so easily.

It's also habit forming. I have many days when, although not officially depressed, I do feel down. On those days it is a struggle for me to remain up. I had a day recently at work when I felt like crying. The feeling lasted about half an hour and then it was gone. It was gone because I recognized the bad feeling and chose to change my mind. I knew that the rest of the day would, to put it simply, suck if I stayed overwhelmed and sad. By telling a friend how I felt, getting a pep talk from her, and realizing that the choice was all mine, I was able to turn it around. The end result is that I had a better day and I was able to contribute to a positive environment at work. The more that I catch myself and change my mind about things, the easier it gets. Although, let's be honest, there is no turning around some days!

I think we forget a lot of the time the impact that we have on those around us. It's something that I am very conscious of as a result of my own battles with mood disorders. It's OK to not feel yourself (one in five Canadians is actually suffering from mental illness). But let's just try as a society to show some understanding, patience, and love to one another.

Come to think of it, even in my toughest days and hardest fought battles against my illness, I must have held onto a shred of optimisim. If it hadn't been there, deep down, maybe I wouldn't be here. Maybe I wouldn't be having fabulous summer evenings with loved ones.

So if you have to storm a castle or fight whatever daily battles you are up against, maybe take Miracle Max's advice and try to have fun. I promise, it makes it easier.


KB xo

P.S. This is dedicated to Emma, "as you wish"

"Growing Pains"

One of my favourite movies is called Same Time, Next Year. It's the story of two lovers who meet at a quaint inn on the California Coast. The catch? They are both happily married to other people. They decided to continue to see each other but only once a year: "Same time, next year." The story spans the next 25 years as they both grow, change, and evolve in the face of life's challenges. I love it because it stars one of my favourite actors, Alan Alda, but it's also just a great story. Occasionally I will stumble upon it on TV, one of those simple, unexpected pleasures in life. I enjoy it as much as I did around 30 years ago when I saw it for the first time. Some things don't change.

But most things do change. Thank goodness for that.

I just spent a really wonderful weekend with my entire immediate family at my parent's house. We had a (profitable!) garage sale, an impromptu family BBQ with our awesome neighbours who are more like family than friends, and shared lots of laughter and love. As I lay in my bed in "my room" on Saturday night, awaiting sleep, I reflected on the refuge that that very room, bed, and home, had provided me only a year before.

Twelve months ago I was in the fight of my life. Quite literally. My parents and their home were my refuge. They saved me from the ultimate darkness, death. For that I am forever grateful. While I can never truly know how devastating it must have been for them to have a child walking such a fine line between choosing life and death, I am so grateful that they didn't shy away from the challenge. A painful challenge it was.

"Growing Pains" - It's a phrase that we are all familiar with. When kids grow up we often refer to many of the awkward phases that they go through as growing pains. But I think it's one of those sayings that just makes sense. My experience with mental illness is similar to those of you who have fought battles against disease, disability, or suffered tragedy. It hurts, simply put. Sometimes it's physical and sometimes it's mental but it's pain all the same. One of the great things (yes, there has been the odd  thing) that has come out of my experience with depression is that it has forced change in my life and it has forced me to grow. When you grow, sometimes it hurts.

As I sat on the back deck at my parents' home this morning I looked out over my mom's garden. The pretty butterfly bushes are so much taller and stronger this year. My mom has watered, pruned, and loved them over the past year. My dad staked them so that they would have that extra bit of fight and resilience to them when the rains and winds come. They have flourished. You know what? Come to think of it, so have I.

KB xo

P.S. This is dedicated to the most amazing mom & dad that anyone could ask for. A gift to me from the universe. Thank you, universe!

"Get Over It"

"Get over it. Get over it. All this whinin' and cryin' and pltchin' a fit. Get over it, get over it." ~ the Eagles

It's not that bad. Things could be worse. Don't be so sensitive. Don't take things so personally. And my personal favourite, Smile! I have heard them all. Comments from well meaning people who simply don't understand or who buy into the stigma attached to mental illness.

I was recently reminded of why I made a choice to not remain silent about my own battles with depression, why it's so important to me to tear to shreds every last bit of that awful stigma. A friend disclosed to his employer that he has been struggling with mental health issues. It didn't go great. His illness was minimised by a manager who just doesn't understand. It's hard for us to show our weaknesses, especially for men in our society. So just imagine how difficult it was for my friend to actually take that step to share something so personal. Such a shame. A negative response is the very reason that employees are so hesitant to self identify as suffering from a mental illness. But I hardly blame them.

One in four or five Canadians who are suffering from mental illness will go untreated. Why? Quite simply it's because of discrimination based on their illness. Its far from uncommon, sadly, for those suffering from mental illness to face inequity in many areas that others take for granted. A person suffering often faces disadvantages in employment, housing, and educational opportunities. I have been lucky because I work for an employer who has handled my illness in a supportive manner overall. But I am an exception to many of my comrades in this battle against a dark illness.

Stigma is not just faced in the workplace. It also bleeds into other areas of our lives. It can have a dramatic and detrimental effect on our relationships and social network, something that we desperately need to survive mental illness. As I have said in past posts, I did lose some friends in the early days of my illness who didn't understand what was happening to me and my personality. Frankly, I barely understood what was happening to my brain myself so I can hardly hold them to account for walking away. But I do believe that the more that we as a society talk about mental health issues, the higher our level of consciousness and awareness in general. And that can only be good.

Here's another fact from the Canadian Mental Health Commission that I find interesting: 70% of adults who suffer from mental illness began to show signs as a teenager. Studies have shown that if we can catch mental illness in the early years there is a higher success rate for treatment. But we have to make it easy for kids to talk about how they are feeling. And as adults, we have to get so much better at listening and watching for the signs. How do we know what to watch for? We educate ourselves. When we educate ourselves, we will reduce and eventually eliminate stigma.

When I see a homeless person or someone drunk or high, stumbling down East Hastings Street in Vancouver, I think, "there but for the grace of God go I." Most of these souls suffer from mental illness and society let them down. If I didn't have good health care benefits from my employer and the support and love from my family and friends, that could be me. That is the cold, hard truth.

We have a responsibility in this life to look out for each other. I urge you to challenge misconceptions and stigma about mental illness. Dig deeper than the surface and seek the truth. And the next time someone opens up to you, treat that respectfully.

This is dedicated to all my kindred spirits out there who have suffered or are suffering but who refuse to live in shame. You are my heroes!

KB xo

P.S. check out the Mental Health Commission for more information - education is power!

http://www.mentalhealthcommission.ca/English/Pages/OpeningMinds.aspx

"Strength in Family"

"You never know how strong you are ...until being strong is the only choice you have."

I recently took a few days off from work and hopped in the car with my mom, dad, and 11 year old niece for a quick summer roadtrip from Vancouver to Alberta. The journey was full of fun and, pun intended, certainly a trip down memory lane. But I am not sure that I quite expected to go on a trip that would lead me so far from home and yet bring me so close. Confused? Let me explain.

The purpose of the trip was for my great grandfather, Andrew David Bower whom neither my father nor I ever met. He was a special man, and I really didn't realize quite how special until a weekend this past June.

Andrew Bower was the first warden in Canada to die in the line of duty. On June 6, 1925 he was thrown from his horse in Waterton Lakes National Park and later succumbed to his injuries. The runour is that poachers were somehow involved but nothing was ever proven. He died at the age of 39, leaving a pregnant widow and four children. But he wasn't just a warden. He had also been a member of the North West Mounted Police and later an enlisted soldier who fought on the front lines of the Great War in France. He was wounded in his left arm and returned home where doctors wanted to amputate. He refused.

Andrew was a man who didn't shy away from challenges in his life. He fought for his country and what he believed to be right. In short, he seemed to do a lot more living in his short life than many of us. Obviously, he also faced great adversity. The Canadian government agreed that Andrew Bower earned the right to be honoured so that's what they did - they honoured him on June 15, 2012 by laying a plaque in his name across from the location where he was injured.

The ceremony honouring my great grandfather was impressive and emotional. There were representatives of the RCMP, Canadian veterans, and Parks Canada Wardens, and about 40 Bower family members. My great aunt, Joyce Setters was also there. She  is Andrew's only living child - the child he never met. One of Andrew's grandchildren, who had helped organize the event, Jamie, spoke about Andrew - his life and his legacy. The part that touched me in particular was when he spoke about Andrew's wife, Mary Bower. What strength my great grandmother must have had to raise a family of five without her husband. Thinking about the difficult times she surely faced and lived through touched me deeply. A cousin who knew her told me that she was a sweet lady but was tough as steel when she needed to be. Not surprising, really.

The weekend was an opportunity to reflect on my family history and my place within it. I found great comfort in the strength and tenacity of my great grandmother and the character of my great grandfather. But it was also a time to connect with my family whom I don't see often - my cousins and the next generation in Alberta, to build on those relationships and seek comfort in my family. We are so alike, despite having grown up in different provinces. It's wonderful for me to know that, although far away in miles, they will always be there for me in my dark times.

This trip was a reminder to me that we all face adversity in life but if we draw on that secret reserve of inner strength (and I know in my heart that we all have it!) we will make it through, even stronger than we were before. My great grandmother faced life as a mother and young widow. She survived and I can survive mental illness.

So how far did that trip take me? From the lush coastal mountains, through the glorious Canadian Rockies, to the rolling foothills of Alberta. And about 80 years back through family history and back. Quite a trip, indeed!

KB xo

P.S. This is dedicated with love and respect to Andrew and Mary Bower.

Here's a link to the Calgary Herald story about Andrew Bower: http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/alberta/Waterton+plaque+unveiling+honour+Canada+first+park+warden/6790814/story.html?rel=