"Deja Vu (Here I Go Again)"

Déjà vu, literally "already seen", is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced had been experienced in the past.

It all seems so familiar. The fatigue and lethargy, the aches and pains, the trails of tears and the sadness. It's almost like I have been here before.

Well, I have been here before - many times. Where is here? Here is depression - a sad, dark place. But this time is a little different. Hmm. Interesting twist on things.

“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation



You know the old visual of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder? That's how I can best describe depression in my life. For the better part of 20 years, the devil has been there. Sometimes he rests in the background. Sometime he inches closer. And sometimes he grips me tight, lowering a heavy cloak of sadness over me.

While I have been busy blogging about mental illness in the workplace and the impact on others and attempting to balance demands at work, I have been quietly fighting the progression of mild depression and anxiety.

So how common is recurrence in depression? Isn't it just a one time thing that happens, you get treatment, you are all better, and then you live happily ever after? The University of Michigan Depression Center states, "Studies indicate that patients who are diagnosed with depression face a significant risk that their depression will recur over time." Awesome.

Some of the reasons why depression can recur:
* You may have stopped your treatment plan because you thought you were "all better". Usually you feel "all better" because your treatment plan is working - stopping it can end the feel better part. (NOTE: never stop medication without consulting your doctor - it can be very dangerous)
* You may have a history of mental illness in your family in which case you may be predisposed to it.
* Perhaps you thought it was just a one time thing, like a bad flu. Once it was over you just went back to your old habits.

In my case, I have a family history and I have already experienced a number of depressive episodes, which can also impact whether or not the illness recurs. Long ago I accepted that this is a chronic illness for me - just like my mom and her diagnosis of diabetes.

I may be accepting but make no mistake, I will fight, kicking and screaming, before I end up in another major depressive episode. So what am I doing to catch this so that it doesn't become something much worse? Well, step one was to hightail it back to my doctor's office. We decided together to change my medication and I will resume cognitive behavioural therapy again. I am also going to focus much more on the physical well being - exercise, meditation, and massage therapy. And, thankfully, I have a strong community surrounding me whom I can lean on: family, friends, colleagues, and my Partners For Mental Health family.

So what is different this time? I feel all those things that I wrote about above - the classic hallmarks of depression and anxiety. The tears are often at the ready to spill forward. The sadness I can't shake. I am so tired that I am sleeping about six hours during the day. I can't concentrate (it's taken me four days to write this post and it usually takes two hours). And I am on the tail end of a back spasm resulting from stress and anxiety. Oh, right - the difference.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tunes without words and never stops at all." ~ Emily Dickinson

I feel hopeful. As my Dad said to me this week, "You have been through this before and you know you can do it." He's right. Today is a new day.

KB xo

This post is dedicated to my Dad who came into the city to sleep on my couch so that I wouldn't be alone. I love you, Dad.


P.S. The University of Michigan Depression Center has a great website full of resources and information about depression:
http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/aboutyourdiagnosis/preventingrecurrence.asp

"You're Fired!"

"You're fired!" ~ Donald Trump

 

Week after week we can tune into The Apprentice and watch business and real estate tycoon Donald Trump fire his apprentices, one by one with dramatic flair. Entertaining? I'll let you be the judge of that.

 

The reality is that it's much harder to get fired in the real world. It is, isn't it? Um, yes and no. Legally, the correct answer to that is yes. We have federal and provincial laws and a Human Rights Code to protect employee rights. The fact of the matter is that either many employers are ignorant of these or they choose to ignore them. Subsequently, many people lose their jobs without sufficient cause every day in Canada.

 

So why am I talking about termination of employment and labour law? This is a blog about mental health, right? You bet - I am getting to that.

 

A friend of mine, Melanie, was fired from her job two days ago. This friend of mine is also a mental health advocate who fights her own battles against mental illness: she suffers from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and social phobia.

 

Recently relocated to a brand new city, she was excited to quickly find a new job. Two months into that new job she awoke one day with a sudden anxiety attack. Unable to function and leave her home, she called in to work and left a message an hour before her scheduled start time. Later in the day Melanie received a call from the Director of Operations asking her why she wasn't at work. And here's where the story takes a turn.

 

Melanie was faced with the same question that all of us who suffer from mental illness will ask ourselves: If I call in sick to work and they ask what is wrong with me, do I tell them truth?

 

She chose the truth. The result? She was called in for a meeting the next day with the Director of Operations and the HR Manager. First sick day in two months, she discloses that she has a disability, and she is fired. Employment terminated. End of job. The Director's final parting shot? He said that she should have disclosed her illness when she applied for the job because he never would have hired her in the first place. He just couldn't "live with himself if something happened to her on the job."

 

I am going to give you a moment to process this. OK, here we go...

 

Under the Canadian Human Rights Code mental illness is considered a disability. That means that it is a protected ground - Canadian employers cannot discriminate against anyone who has a disability. The one exception to this rule is in the case of a Bona Fide Occupational Requirement (BFOR). For example, if you need to hire a delivery driver then you can discriminate against any applicants who are legally blind.

 

If you have a disability and disclose it during the recruitment/interview process for a job, as long as you can do the job, you cannot be discriminated against. If, as an employer, you are faced with two excellent candidates but one is more qualified, who do you hire? Now consider that that person, the one more qualified, has a disability that will NOT impact the work or that you CAN accommodate. Now who do you hire? Better be the same choice otherwise you have just made a wrong turn legally.

 

If you become disabled during the course of employment or you disclose that you have a disability after you have been hired there is a duty upon your employer to accommodate your disability up to the point of undue hardship. Undue hardship varies depending on the business. A multinational organization has a lot farther to go than a mom and pop corner grocery in terms of proving undue hardship.

 

And that is just the human rights side of the argument. I won't go into the employment standards acts, et al because this is supposed to be a blog and a not a novel.

 

I recently attended a conference hosted by the British Columbia Centre for Ability. The keynote speaker on day two was a businessman named Mark Wafer. Mr Wafer runs a chain of successful Tim Horton's franchises in Ontario and has chosen, since day one, to employ people with disabilities. This is what he knows as fact:

* 60% of people with disabilities require accommodation (only 4% require an accommodation that costs more than $500)

* Turnover is lower with people with disabilities

* Turnover is lower with able employees because they like that they are part of something good

* Lower turnover means more $$$ for business owners (that's the "business case" for doing the right thing, if you needed one)

 

My friend Melanie was unfairly discriminated against and illegally terminated from her job. Job loss impacts a person's self esteem, their earning capacity, their mental well being, as well as the Canadian economy. I wonder if Mr. Director of Operations can live with that? Can any of us live with that?

 

KB xo

 

Dedicated to Melanie and my Partners for Mental Health (PFMH) community and family! For more information about PMFH and their upcoming workplace campaign please visit this website: http://www.notmyselftoday.ca/home

 

 



"How Do You Know?"

“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.”  ~ Fiona Apple

 

The person who sits at the desk next to you might be one. Your boss might be one. The colleague with whom you worked on that six month project could be one, too. Or maybe you are.

One what? The one in five Canadians who will experience mental illness in their lifetime.

 

That's a pretty big number - one in five. That means that out of the 60 people that I work with, 12 of them will go through this. At my office, I am the only one who is "out" - the only one who talks openly about my experiences with depression. But I know who those other 11 people are. I know because they confided in me. One by one, they shared their story with me.

 

I am grateful for that for a few reasons. First of all, it has made me feel less alone. I know that I have a built in support group at work when I need it. It's not just my work friends who are there for me but also this community of people who actually know what depression, anxiety, and mental illness are like. I am also grateful that I can perhaps provide some comfort to others who are experiencing depression or anxiety for the first time. There really is comfort in numbers.

 

But here's the thing. This community is a secret one.I am pretty sure that I am the only one who knows who the members are. And even at that, there are probably a few members who haven't "joined" yet - they are still keeping this to themselves.

So how do we create an environment in the workplace that makes people feel safe about disclosing their illness?

First things first - let's create psychologically healthy work environments. Most of us are familiar with the idea of occupational health and safety, right? We know how to exit the building in case of fire. We know where the first aid kit is kept and who to call in case of an emergency. We know not to stack boxes in front of an emergency exit. What we don't know is how to create a workplace that is healthy for our minds.

In early 2013 the Canadian government issued the Standard on Psychologically Healthy Workplaces. The first country to do so. It's a voluntary standard and as it is early days it remains to be seen how many organizations get on board with this revolutionary concept. And yes, it really is revolutionary.

I recently attended the Canadian Mental Health Association's Bottom Line Conference on workplace mental health. Something that really stuck with me were the words of one of the speakers, Mary Ann Baynton. I will paraphrase,"The new Standard on psychologically healthy workplaces is to depression what the occupational health and safety standards are to arthritis." In short, the standard isn't about preventing disease - it's about creating healthy, safe work environments overall.

The reason why that resonated with me so strongly is because employers seem to immediately go to the extreme when contemplating the impact of mental illness in the workplace. "Oh, accommodation is expensive - it will impact our bottom line.""It's too expensive to implement mental health programs." And on, and on. So many excuses why we can't do this.

I say, let's take a step back. Start small and take a preventative approach. Creating a positive work environment is actually really simple - it's about building good leaders. If you are a manager, ask yourself these questions:
* Do I say good morning to my employees?
* Do I thank them at the end of the day for the contributions that they made?
* Do I make time to meet with each employee on a one on one basis to discuss career goals?
* Do I support my people to do their best work?
* Do I listen (really listen) to my employee's concerns and suggestions?
* Do I consciously work to create a trusting, collaborative environment amongst my team?

Starting in May and running through June, Partners For Mental Health will be running a mental health in the workplace campaign called Not Myself Today - At Work. We will have many tools and resources (free!). There will also be a fundraising element in which the money raised will benefit both PFMH and the Canadian Mental Health Association. If you would like to get your company involved, please visit the website here:

http://www.notmyselftoday.ca/home

It's not rocket science. It really isn't. And until we create psychologically healthy work environments, that club that I belong to, the top secret one that is in every single Canadian company, will remain silent and secretive. The cost of that silence? Try $51 billion dollars to the Canadian economy. And the human cost? Impossible to express.

KB xo

P.S. One of my favourite resources on mental health issues is the Canadian Mental Health Association: www.cmha.ca In addition to fabulous online resources they also have local chapters throughout Canada. You can visit them in person or follow them on facebook and Twitter. There is no need to be alone - there is a community out there to support you!










"Not Myself Today - At Work"

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

I have been thinking a lot lately about mental illness and the workplace. I think about how depression impacts me in all facets of my life but maybe I think mostly about how it impacts me and my work. I think about how it may or may not affect my performance and my relationships with colleagues. Yes, I think about it a lot.

As I have written before, I am in a very unique situation - I work for an employer that values diversity and people with disabilities (under the Canadian Human Rights Code, depression is considered a disability). Sadly, this is not the case for the majority.

In particular, I am lucky that I have a manager who seems to intuitively understand how to manage an employee who has chronic depression. I say intuitively because as far as I know, she has had no formal training on the subject. Yes, she and I work in Human Resources but that doesn't mean that all HR professionals understand how mental health impacts the workplace or how to manage those who have it. I know that from both personal and professional experience.

Currently I work as a Recruitment Consultant but in my previous role I was an Employee Relations Consultant and my day to day accountabilities were to coach managers on employee performance related issues, discipline, and return to work/workplace accommodation. I saw on a daily basis the impact that lack of communication can have within the workplace.

If an employee has many sick days or is often late, the instinct of many managers is to "write Susie up - this behaviour can't go on any longer." I have a question, Ms. Manager, have you spoken to Susie yet? Have you been able to ascertain why she is absent from work so much or why she is chronically late? Does punishment fit the "crime"? Is there even a crime? Start with a conversation.

And herein lies the crux of the problem. We, canadian employers that is, are still not talking. It's as simple as that. OK, maybe there are a few whispers here and there about the fact that something needs to be done. And, we are beginning to hear startling statistics from sources such as the Conference Board of Canada and the Canadian Mental Health Association:

• Over 500,000 people are absent from work each day for mental health reasons
• 1 in 3 workplace disability claims are related to mental illness
• Mental health claims (especially depression and anxiety) have overtaken cardiovascular disease as the fastest growing category of disability costs in Canada
• $6.3 billion is the estimated cost of lost productivity due to mental illnesses in Canada in just one year alone
• Less than half of employees believe their company promotes a mentally healthy work environment
• Due to stigma and discrimination, many employees are fearful of disclosing their illness and reluctant to seek help; only 23% of Canadians said they would feel comfortable talking to an employer about their mental illness

I don't know about you but I don't feel so good about this - as a Human Resources professional, as a person with depression, and as human being concerned about our health as a nation. But here is the good news: we can change this and we will.

One of the things that has helped me in my fight against depression is the fact that I know that there is a community of people out there who are in the same boat as I and who are committed to talking about mental illness. Two fabulous "communities" that I belong to are Partners For Mental Health (PFMH) and the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA).

Back to Ms. Manager for a moment. I kind of can't blame her for not knowing where to start or how to start. Although government and grass roots organizations are starting to talk about mental health and the workplace, the majority of employers aren't there yet. It's a bit of the wild, wild west out there. And that's exactly why PFMH and the CMHA are doing such important, exciting work - work that I am so proud to be supporting as a volunteer.

PFMH will soon be launching a new version of their successful Not Myself Today campaign from last year. The new campaign in May & June will highlight mental illness in the workplace: Not Myself Today - At Work.  There will be tools, information, and lots of discussion with Canadian employers. Funds raised will support both PFMH and CMHA. And the collective consciousness raised? Well, that will benefit us all.

KB xo

P.S. I want to hear from you about mental illness and the workplace. Share your experience, questions, thoughts, and ideas about how we can tackle this issue. I'll be writing about this throughout the upcoming Not Myself Today - At Work campaign this spring.
  

"Misunderstood"

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

 

"Bitch" song lyrics ~ Meredith Brooks

Ever feel like you just can't win? Ever feel like whatever you say or do is the absolute wrong thing? OK, now add mental illness: depression and anxiety in particular. Makes for a roller coaster of emotion and turmoil.

The reality for many of us with these illnesses is that navigating life and the day to day responsibilities of work and relationships can be hard. No, make that beyond hard.

Eighteen months ago I returned to work after experiencing a major depressive episode, one of the darkest chapters of my life. I was on short term disability leave from my job for about five months. It was hard to go through that time when I was away from work and away from my "life". But coming back to work was hard, too. Just in a different way.

I never hid the fact that I had experienced depression. I was open about that with my employer and my coworkers. But once back at work it was often difficult to just be me, the real me. Even though I knew on one level that depression is a disease and a valid illness, the doubting, insecure side of me felt like I had to prove myself. I felt like I had to show everyone that depression didn't make me less intelligent or less capable than any of my other colleagues. I had something to prove.

Quite simply, I overcompensated. Many days I was flying high. Maybe a bit manic but not necessarily suffering from mania - just a feeling that I had to be "up" and happy and reassuring that everything was just fine with me. Some days things were just fine and some days they weren't. And yes, there were some days that I just didn't have the energy to put up that happy, outgoing facade. Those were the days that I was able to fight the illness enough to at least make it out of bed and out of my apartment but mustering the strength to appear happy was impossible.

Because I had chosen to be open about my illness, I felt a responsibility to explain when I wasn't able to pretend. Luckily, I have a manager who is incredible - she has helped me along the path of recovery and held my hand as I felt my way back at work. I have always been able to be honest with her. For that, I am so incredibly grateful (and did I mention, lucky?).

The reaction from colleagues, however, has been mixed. Some have told me that I don't need to apologize for what I may be experiencing (thank you!). While others have expressed that my explanations for what I am experiencing are an excuse for behaviour that they view as less than appropriate. Ouch. That one hurt.

Behaviour. Now there is a word with negative and positive connotations. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Stewing over it, really. And that's not good. I am really writing this post so that I can think about this, express it, and then let it go. So here's what I have come up with...

Behaviour in someone who has depression or anxiety or really any mental illness is actually better defined as symptoms - symptoms of illness or disease. If you have diabetes and your blood sugar is low you may faint or feel lightheaded. If you have cancer you may have pains or perhaps nausea from treatment.

When I am experiencing anxiety I feel hot, claustrophobic, irritable, and I may snap at you. If I am depressed, I may be quieter than normal and teary. This is not bad behaviour - I am experiencing symptoms of my illness.

So here's where I can't win. If I don't explain or apologize for how I acted during an anxiety attack, for example, people may just think I am exhibiting bad behaviour. If I do explain, then people may think (and, apparently, have thought) that I am providing an excuse and getting away with acting badly. Guess what? In a perfect world I am always healthy , I never have to fight the darkness of depression or the strangle-hold of anxiety, and I am always happy, shiny & bright. In a perfect world.

As I write this I am reminded of a vow that I made to myself. That vow was to be honest and to fight against stigma and misunderstanding of mental illness. Part of that is not backing away. So I won't. I will try to let go of what other people may think of me and stay true to who I know myself to be - someone who is just trying to end each day a little bit stronger than when it started. And, in the end, I am the only person to whom I need to prove anything.

KB xo

P.S. Want to learn more about how to talk about mental illness in the workplace? Check out Partners For Mental Health's upcoming campaign called Not Myself Today at Work: http://www.notmyselftodayatwork.ca/home

 



"Non-Believers"



“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”   ~ Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees

In my last post I spoke about attending the Canadian Mental Health Association's Bottom Line Conference on Mental Health in the Workplace. It was for me, an inspiring event. To be surrounded by people committed to learning about mental health issues was pretty wonderful.

Yes, there were many kindred souls in attendance but here is the surprising thing - there were some who were not exactly on board with the whole idea of mental illness as "illness". And they weren't really buying into the concept of workplace accommodation.

Surprise! At a conference focused on raising awareness about mental health issues impacting Canadian society and the workplace today, there were "non-believers". Hmm. I guess our insular community was just reminded as to why we were there after all.

I spent day two of the conference in an all day session called Advanced Strategies led by Laura Allen. The session was about how to have conversations about mental illness in the workplace. It's an important topic and not an easy one to address.

If you see an employee show up at work with a cast on a broken arm, it's pretty easy to have a conversation about it. If you think that someone you work with is suffering from a mental illness, well, that's a whole other kettle of fish.

As the participants in the room began to discuss the topic, I was surprised by some of the things that I heard. A shop steward from a large union said that employees having performance issues as a result of mental illness deserved a "slap upside of the head."

When discussing possible workplace accommodation scenarios for those returning to work, another participant said that other employees would want to "get depression" so that they could have it easy at work, too. "Get depression." Oh, boy. One thing that I can say with 100% certainty is that there is nothing easy about depression.

I have also had some interesting conversations with colleagues at work lately - some very open, honest conversations about their perceptions of me and of depression. I have heard some things that I am less than overjoyed about but here's the thing that I am happy about: we are talking.

I made a commitment to myself that I would be open and with that comes the good and the bad. The less that I shy away from tough conversations and the misconceptions and alternate opinions that others may have, the better for the conversation. And the better the conversation, the sooner we raise awareness of mental illness as illness, because that is what it is.

Back to the classroom and the conversations that we were having as a group. The number one concern amongst the group was fear: fear of starting these conversations, fear of not knowing what to say, and fear of not having the answers. Yes, it is scary to talk about mental illness but we can't keep shying away from it.

Make no mistake about it, mental illness is a huge cost both from an economic standpoint but also from a human standpoint. People die from depression just like they die from cancer. We cannot accept that.

So start talking, ask questions, and keep talking. Put your judgements and preconceived notions aside and listen, just listen. I bet we will all learn something.

KB xo

"Sick Not Weak"

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I recently attended the Canadian Mental Health Association's (CMHA) Bottom Line conference on mental illness and the workplace. For someone passionate about this topic, the conference was what a trip to Disneyland is to a child. I was overjoyed to be there, ready to lap up every word uttered by each and every presenter. I was ready to change the world with my new gained knowledge!

My employer was a sponsor of the conference and a fellow Human Resources colleague and I were chosen to attend. It was a wonderful opportunity to connect with many like-minded souls and discuss a topic that is really one of the last social taboos in society - mental illness. Throw the workplace into the mix and we are really onto a hot topic.

The keynote speaker was Michael Landsberg, sports broadcaster and host of TSN's Off the Record. He was, in a word, energizing. In 2008 he suffered a major depressive episode while covering the Grey Cup. It wasn't until an interview with Canadian hockey great, Stephane Richer, however, that he went public with his struggle. For those of you unaware of who Richer is, he is a Canadian hockey legend who won the Stanley Cup twice in his career. Within a week of one of these victories, he tried to kill himself. Yes, even the greats, our sports heroes who seem to have the world at their feet, are not immune to the devastating impact of severe depression.

But back to Landsberg for a minute. It wasn't a conscious decision for him to "come out" about his fight with depression, nor had he been hiding it. He was simply trying to create a connection and some interesting conversation with Richer. To do this, he was using a commonality between the two of them. Well, the result was instantaneous and impactful. Almost immediately after the interview was broadcast he was inundated with positive email from viewers, most of them male. And we know that males, statistically, are less likely to talk about mental illness and seek help. He had made a huge impact without even meaning to do so.

Landsberg's key message, the one thing that he asked us to take away with us, is this: "Sick Not Weak." Quite simply, being depressed or diagnosed with mental illness is not weakness - it's illness. We often feel weak when suffering but that does not mean that we are weak of character. Big difference.

He spoke about what depression feels like, for him. One of his analogies in particular really resonated for me. He said that when he is depressed he wakes up and instantly knows that, no matter what, he will not feel joy on that particular day. If he were to win the lottery, he would be able to recognize that it is a good thing but he would not feel any joy about it. If you have never suffered depression, can you even imagine how that is possible? Well, it's possible.

He also spoke about the worry that many of us with chronic depression face. When you are well you are worried that the darkness will come back. When you are sick, you worry that you will never be well again.

Now, the conference was really about mental health in the workplace and Landsberg spoke about that as well. He said that even companies that are encouraging the conversation about mental health, still have a long way to go. For example, he works for Bell Canada, the organization that promotes Let's Talk Day each year. When colleagues at work speak to him about their mental health issues, it's still in a whispered conversation with that question at the end, "Will you please keep this a secret?"

So how do we make headway? How do we address the elephant in the room? We know that 1 in 5 Canadians will suffer from mental illness in their lifetime. We also know that each day in Canada 500,000 of us will call in sick due to mental illness. Why are companies still ignoring this health and safety issue? I think it's because they don't quite know how or where to start. And maybe they are a little afraid of the topic.

Here's my answer: start simply. How about having some conversations about it? How about a ten minute conversation in a team meeting about mental health? How about sharing some resources? There are lots of free resources out there if you just look.

The Canadian Mental Health Association in British Columbia has a great program called Bounce Back. It's free with a doctor's referral and includes a DVD, a workbook, and a community coach. Did I mention that it's free? And an organization very close to my heart, Partners For Mental Health, will be launching a spring campaign called Not Myself Today at Work. The campaign will run from May to June and I'll have lots more information about that in upcoming posts - stay tuned!

During his speech, Landsberg posed a question to the room. He asked us to put our hand up if we believed that he was to be commended for speaking openly about his mental illness. Of course, hands shot up around the room. He disagreed with all of us who put a hand up. He feels that it's a responsibility. It's not about being brave - it's about doing what is right and what needs to be done. I agree. But, until more people stand up, we need to commend those who do. And remember, "Sick Not Weak."

KB xo
www.notmyselftodayatwork.ca

www.bouncebackbc.ca