"Penny for Your Thoughts"

 

What exactly is stigma? Is it prejudice? They are connected, intertwined, that is for certain. Especially on the subject of mental illness. Sometimes it's subtle and sometimes it's not.

 

Ever since I began speaking years ago about my own battles with depression, and now with this blog, I hear from people, strangers, colleagues, and friends, on a daily basis who are waging their own wars. Their personal stories, words of support for my own health, and encouragement for the work that I do to raise awareness on this topic are all so inspiring and rewarding to me. Whenever someone shares a piece of themselves with me, I become a bit stronger. I feel less alone on those particularly dark days and I learn about how others cope. Adding a few tips and tricks to my mental health tool kit is always good!

 

There are many of us out there - one in five Canadians have been diagnosed or will be diagnosed with mental illness in their lifetime.  But most of us still aren't talking about it openly. It's still somewhat shameful. As I have said many times before, unless more of us come out of the mental illness closet we will never truly come out from under the shroud of stigma and the discrimination that goes along with it. So, I thought I would poll my amazing support group, my Partners for Mental Health community correspondents family, on what they feel are the biggest misconceptions about mental illness. Here's our list:

 

1. People only suffer mental illness as a result of trauma: Yes, mental illness is often a result of some sort of trauma such as job loss, illness, or death of a loved one. But there are also other causes. We have heard in the last couple of years about sports injuries and brain illness, for example. And we know that bio-chemical imbalances in the brain as well as a genetic disposition all play a role in whether or not you will be among the one in five.

2. Medicine fixes everything: There's a lack of understanding about what hard work recovery is and all the elements involved in it (medication, cognitive behavioural therapy, nutrition and exercise, social connection). Additionally, there are many kinds of meds and not all of them are effective for everyone. I have been lucky and have only had to tweak my medications once but I know people who struggle to hold onto hope as they try one medication after another until they find the right one (or combination of meds).

3. Mental illness is just an excuse for bad behaviour: According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada 46% of Canadians believe this to be true. What is perceived as bad behaviour are actually symptoms of illness: irritability, anger, crying, etc. It's worth noting that men and women often display different symptoms. For example, men typically show anger when they are depressed.

4. You can just "snap out of it": Mental illness is not the flu, it won't pass in five days. It takes time, whether that be a couple of months, or a couple of years. See point four below...

5. When you feel better then you are all better: Recovery from mental illness is full of ups and downs. You may feel better for a few days but that doesn't always mean that you are recovered and that your illness is in remission.  I like to compare recovery to climbing Mt. Everest - you don't get to the top in one day and sometimes you need to climb back down to base camp to acclimate. You need to persevere and not give up.

That's what we are up against. It's frustrating but I also understand that unless we talk about it, nothing will change. That's why some of us want to talk about it - to help people understand. But it's not all doom and gloom! While I was at it I thought I would gather my colleagues' top tips to help you or a loved one through mental illness:

 

1. You are in control of your own recovery: Don't just do what your doctor says if it doesn't feel right. There are many elements involved in treatment and recovery and you need to find the right combination for yourself.  Seek professional medical advice and help, weigh your options, and do what feels best for you.

2. Find your caregiver dream team: Finding the right match of therapist or doctor can sometimes be challenging. If you don't feel comfortable with that person, or if he or she treats you with less than empathy and respect, you need to move on to the next health care professional. If you have a bad experience with one or two, just don't give up - keep searching for the right help.

3. Find others who have been through a similar situation for support/guidance: Being able to relate to someone and have someone relate to you is really important. My PFMH family is that group of people for me.

4. Find people who are supportive of you: This is really important and kind of tricky sometimes. Surround yourself with only supportive, positive people. Distance yourself from people who negatively affect your self-esteem and recovery.

5. Know you're NEVER alone: You are not the only one going through this and sometimes there is a tiny bit of comfort in knowing that. Refer to points three and four above!                    

My favourite piece of advice? It comes from Ashley: "Have a little hope."

 

KB xo

 

For more information about mental health issues please visit the Canadian Mental Health Association's website. They have some fabulous resources to help you on your journey.

 

P.S. Thank you to Kathleen, Ashley, Charlotte, Casey, Meaghan, Meg, Allison - you guys ROCK!

 



"Invincible Summer"



“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
~ Albert Camus
 

Do you ever have that feeling that the universe is working against you? Maybe you woke up late, missed your bus, and when you got to work you realized that you left your lunch on the counter back at home. Don't you just hate those days?

Now imagine that you are fighting a debilitating illness. Depression alone is not so great on the best of days - feelings of isolation, despair, hopelessness, and sadness. Add to that some 'fun' factors such as fatigue, weight gain, and financial strain. It can make you feel like you are fighting a losing battle.

I seem to be making the slow journey back out of depression, for which I am overjoyed. At least, I would be overjoyed if I had the energy. Just when I thought my battle was almost over, a few new ones came along. Challenge number one? Overwhelming fatigue.

Yes, fatigue is a common symptom of depression. But this time for me it has been more than that - bigger, stronger, all-encompassing. So back to my doctor for consultation and a round of tests. I was tested for possible thyroid problems, iron levels, and diabetes. All clear (phew!).

Then it was off to a sleep specialist for more testing. This time, the tests told another story: sleep apnea (a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts). My sleep tests showed that I was waking up (without realizing it) an average of 14 times per hour. No wonder I am exhausted all the time. The great news, however, is that I now know what I am dealing with. I am receiving treatment and, with any luck, I'll be feeling the positive effects in a few weeks and I won't feel like I have the energy levels of a turtle any longer (no offence to turtles).

The next challenge? Weight gain. Yes, another awesome (!) side effect of most anti-depressant medications is weight gain. Funny how the drug companies don't exactly advertise that. If that weren't enough, many of us who are depressed often eat to self-soothe. At a time when you aren't feeling so great about life and yourself, throw on a few extra pounds and see how you feel then - not so great. Now factor in the fatigue that keeps you in bed or on the couch when you know you should be exercising.

Too tired to exercise because of the depression, eating to self-soothe, gaining weight from the meds, tired because of the extra weight you are now carrying, you know you should exercise because of the physical and mental health benefits and yet you are just...too...tired. It feels like you are running in circles (or, again, it would if you had the energy).

And the final challenge? Financial. This is a tough one, a topic that could probably use it's own post. If you are lucky enough to work for a great company (like I do) that has a generous benefits program (like mine does), then the financial impact is reduced. Employees on short term disability leave at my company still earn a paycheque, just one that is smaller. We also have access to an employee assistance program with counsellors as well as financial assistance for psychologists and psychiatrists, and coverage for the required medications. Not everyone is so lucky.

Yes, I am one of the lucky ones because, although my money is tight these days, I am not in a dire situation. For others who don't have such generous benefits plans, the added stress of financial concerns can make recovering from depression or anxiety that much more challenging.

So how to approach these challenges? I will take the same approach that I have taken in the past with my depression - by treating myself with respect and care. I'll take each day as it comes and set small goals for myself. I have faced and overcome challenges bigger than a few extra pounds, some fatigue, and moths in my wallet (!) so I'll overcome these latest additions.

Is the universe against me? Nah. In fact, I think it's actually on my side, teaching me things, making me stronger. The most important thing that I have learned along my journey? Within me is an invincible summer.

KB xo

"Accept Nothing Less"

We wish nothing more, but we will accept nothing less. Masters in our own house we must be, but our house is the whole of Canada.
Pierre Trudeau

Today is Canada Day and I am a staunchly proud Canadian. As I watch the reports on television of the uprisings and political unrest in Egypt, Syria, and Turkey or the stories about the abuse of women in India or even the fight (again!) for women's reproductive rights in the United States, I am so grateful. I am grateful that I had the sheer good fortune of being born in a democratic, somewhat socialist leaning nation, such as Canada.

I can go through a long list of things that I love about my country (butter tarts, the Canadian Rockies, Mr. Dressup) or why I am proud of it (Rick Hansen, women's rights, multi-culturalism) but I will narrow it down to two things that I read about this past week that pertain to mental health issues in Canada and the elimination of stigma.

First of all, there was the tragedy & devastation of the recent flooding in Alberta. I, like all Canadians, was fascinated by the sheer force of nature and the impact that it was capable off. The town of High River is still mostly under water and it will take years for the province to recover from this natural disaster.

But as the days wore on we were able to see past the physical impact on homes and communities to the emotional impact. Lives will never be the same. So how does that affect a person's mental health? Well, it cannot be underestimated. People need help and support for the emotional part as much as they do to repair their homes. News reports stated that use of help lines was up considerably in the days following the flooding. I am so happy to know that people were/are reaching out for help.

And I guess that Alberta Premier, Alison Redford, knew that looking after her people's mental health was just as important an element in rebuilding communities as the 'boots on the ground' are because on June 28th she announced the appointment of a new provincial Chief Mental Health Officer, Dr. Michael Trew. Redford's statement said that it was "to help victims of the recent flooding cope with the emotional and psychological consequences of this disaster." Good for you, Redford, and good for Albertans.

The second thing that happened was the announcement that work is under way on a Canadian guide to mental health reporting. Hooray! Is this really very important, you may ask. Quite simply, it's hugely important. The media often will unintentionally reinforce misconceptions associated with mental health issues. Instead of informing, they sometimes perpetuate stigma and myth. In their press release, the Canadian Journalism Forum on Violence and Trauma explain it like this:

"There's been some excellent, groundbreaking work on this in the media across the country in the last few years. But there are also cases where coverage, in the context of breaking news, reinforces damaging myths. Often this happens when general news reporters have to cover dramatic incidents involving mental health issues without warning. We want to help them - and others just entering the business - avoid pitfalls, add vital perspective and reduce collateral damage."

Why is this? Because they don't understand. Which is exactly why we need discussion and education about mental health issues, and certainly amongst those we trust in presenting facts and news. Yay, Canada!

As I write this I am feeling pretty good about Canada, this country that I love and am so very happy to claim as my own. We Canadians aren't perfect but we keep quietly working, striving towards something better, together, and that is something to be very proud of. Healthy people build healthy communities.

KB xo

P.S. this is dedicated to my Partners for Mental Health family spread all across this awesome country!

"A Fork Stuck in the Road"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" ~ Greenday

I have recently attended two graduation ceremonies - one was the high school graduation of a family friend and the second was my niece's graduation from seventh grade. Of course, the focus for both events was reflecting on the past but looking toward the future. It's a significant time for a student, a fork in the road of life.

Listening to the various speeches during these ceremonies and thinking of the lives yet to be lived, and dreams yet to be achieved, I couldn't help but reflect on my own life. It's a natural time for me to do this as I am at my own personal crossroads. That's what a depressive episode is to me - a time to reflect on where I am, what I have achieved and what I still want to do with my life, how I want to live it.

I am often asked what causes my depression. It's a natural question - we want to be able to put the blame somewhere and to explain 'why' in order to understand. Sometimes I can answer the question and sometimes I can't. At this point in my life I have endured three major depressive episodes. I have a genetic disposition to the illness of depression (lots of family history of the disease) and that has certainly explained the fairly persistent melancholy that I have experienced throughout most of my life - my mom has called me her 'melancholy baby' many times over the years. So sometimes there has not been a specific incident that I can point to, the 'why'. Other times there have been triggers in my life that have brought about a depressive episode.

In a weird way perhaps, I view a depressive episode as an opportunity. OK wait, don't get me wrong - being depressed is awful and if I could get hold of a 'get out of jail free' card, I would grab it! But since this seems to be my cross to bear in life, then I am going to try and get something out of it, dammit.

So what's the opportunity? It's a chance to take stock of my life. In the instances where there has been a trigger for my illness, that's surely a sign that something isn't working, something needs to change. Sometimes the signs are big and sometimes they are subtle and not so easy to read.

But here's the thing: you are never too old or too long out of school to make changes to your life, to create that bucket list or take up a new hobby, start a new relationship or maybe end one. Life is full of opportunities, it's just whether we choose to recognize them as such that makes all the difference.

As I begin what I hope to be the journey out of my depression, I am going to embrace all those graduation cliches that I have heard lately and apply them to my own life. I may be at a fork in the road, but I am not stuck here. Soon I'll be motoring along on my way to the next chapter of my life story. In the end I want to be able to say that I had the time of my life.

KB xo

P.S. Want to know what a 'depressive episode' is? Here's the definition: a manifestation of a major mood disorder involving an enduring period of some or all of the following signs: significant sadness, tearfulness, decreased appetite, weight loss, sleep and energy disturbance, psychomotor agitation or retardation, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, decreased concentration, thoughts of death, and suicidal ideation

If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, please seek help. You can learn more about mental illness through the Canadian Mental Health Association and Partners for Mental Health



"Help"

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you, please, please help me?

Help by Lennon & McCartney

Asking for and receiving help when you are fighting mental illness is crucial. You simply can't win the battle on your own. Well, maybe you can but it will be a heck of a lot more painful and arduous a journey. And besides, if you had a broken leg would you set it and place it in a cast on your own?

That first call for help, perhaps to a loved one, friend or your family doctor, is often the hardest step to take. Personally, I have often hesitated. I may know that I am moving towards another depressive episode and that I can't do it alone. But I hesitate. Even after all these years and the numerous episodes that I have weathered I hesitate because I don't want to burden anyone. And sometimes I just don't want to admit that my devil is back.

But then I remember that I can't do this alone - I need help and so I ask for it. That first call is what puts the wheels in motion and brings me to the first step on the path to wellness.

I have been lucky overall when it comes to receiving help and treatment. As I have written before, I have a loving and supportive network that includes my wonderful family and friends, my colleagues, my doctor, and former psychiatrist. Aside from a poor fit with a psychologist, and a rough go at a mood disorder clinic as part of a study, I have received the treatment that I need. This is not the case for all, however.

I am part of a fabulous community of people, my fellow Partners for Mental Health (PFMH)community correspondents. We support each other by sharing each others blogs, we brainstorm advocacy ideas, and share educational opportunities. The most important thing that we do, however, is support each other through our battles with mental illness. Being able to have someone to lean on who actually understands what  mental illness is really like, and the stigma attached, is invaluable.

This blog post has been born out of that support network and the discussions of our personal stories that we share amongst each other. There has been a lot of discussion recently about how challenging it can be to get the help that you need from our medical system. Now let me be clear, I am not here to complain about the Canadian health care system - it has actually been very kind to me. But it's far from perfect and it certainly is lacking in the field of mental illness. And as they say, "good enough isn't."

Yes, it is often painfully difficult to ask for help, to make the decision to not suffer alone and in silence. Now imagine that you have taken that step and the "help" that you get is harmful. We all have stories of brusque insurance companies and insensitive health care workers. Add to those the stories of meds being prescribed at a dosage high enough to raise a red flag to a pharmacist because of the Health Canada warning of dangerous side effects (thank goodness the pharmacist caught what the doctor failed to).

Or how about the psychiatrist who was "fired" by his patient but then called her numerous times until she finally answered and then badgered her to find out why she wasn't seeing him anymore?

Finally (far from it, but for the purposes of this post it will be the last example), the stories of my comrades who suffer from eating disorders as well as depression who don't seem to fit into one neat and tidy category so they get bumped around from program to health care practitioner to hospital, hoping that something will fit.

It's all rather discouraging at times. Ironically, at the times when you most need to be strong and advocate for  yourself, those are the times when the strength feels as if it's in short supply. I promise you this - the strength is still there. But strength in numbers is even better. So create a support network, educate yourself on your illness (or that of a loved one fighting mental illness), and advocate for yourself.

I won't give up the fight and I hope that all my PFMH won't either. The support, affection, and guidance that they give me - the help - is an incredible gift. It's a gift that I gave myself because I asked for it. And I never regret that I asked for help.

KB xo

P.S. Dedicated to my PFMH family - you inspire me each and every day!

To learn more about mental illness please visit the Canadian Mental Health Association's website.



"Intermittent Cloudy Periods"

 

 “He knows bad days. Bad days take him completely by surprise. They make him not trust the good days because it's likely something is lurking twenty-four hours away.”

~ Melina Marchetta, The Piper's Son

 

I know bad days. Boy do I ever. I just had a couple of them. Depression can feel a little bit like the weather. Some days are bright and sunny without a cloud in the sky. All you feel is the warmth on your face and a song in your heart. Those are the great days, the days that I seldom take for granted anymore. I have learnt not to.

 

And then there are the days riddled with storm clouds. Sometimes they come crashing in and you don't see them coming. Other times you can see them and feel them. The shadows slowly but surely crawl across the sky and block out the sunshine, bringing with them a sense of dread and a feeling that you need to seek shelter from what is surely the storm to come.

 

Sometimes I don't trust the good days. I know how fleeting they can be. Sometimes I feel too beaten down by the bad days to believe the good days will come again and that they will last. Sometimes.

 

I have had a lovely stretch of sunny weather lately - the depression has mostly receded and I am getting stronger and stronger every day. Spring with it's showers is on the way out and summer with it's sunshiny days is growing nearer. But it's not my first date with depression - I get how this works. I am not fooled.

 

Recovery, as I have written many times before, is not a smooth, straight path forward. It's far from it, in fact. If you have the flu there is a point where you can tell that you are beginning to get better. And from there it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that you will, each day, feel a little bit better until you are well and the flu is but a memory of tissues, soup, and sleep. One day you wake up and it's completely gone. Recovering from depression is a little like that but also a lot NOT like that.

 

The path to wellness and recovery from depression is slow and tedious. Yes, there is often a point where I know that I have turned a corner and better days are ahead. But it's more like a game of snakes and ladders - lots of up and down! The most important thing for me to keep in mind as I navigate the pitfalls of recovery is to keep things in perspective. One or two bad days does not equal relapse. In a way, one or two bad days is something to be celebrated. Celebrated because they are one or two and not ten or twelve. Perspective. It's vital.

“So long as there is breath in me, that long I will persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles of success; if I persist long enough I will win.” ~ Og Mandino

One of my favourite sayings about depression that I have found is this, "Depression is a lying bastard." On the days that it takes hold it tells me things. It whispers, seductively in my ear, "give up." There have been many times over the years when that siren call was almost too much to ignore. But I did. I pushed it away and drew on some reserve of strength that I didn't know I had. I held on because I knew, deep in my soul, that sunnier days were ahead. The clouds would part and that song would return to my heart. I trust in the good days. You should, too.

 

KB xo

 

P.S. Are you or someone you love suffering from mental illness? If so, please don't fight this alone. There are many fabulous organizations and resources available to help you. Please visit the Canadian Mental Health Association website for more information.

 

"Tomorrow"

“Tomorrow will be better.”
“But what if it’s not?” I asked.
“Then you say it again tomorrow. Because it might be. You never know, right? At some point, tomorrow will be better.” 

~ Morgan Matson, Amy and Roger's Epic Detour

 

It seems to be tomorrow already. Funny how it can sneak up on you. Time flies and all that. In truth, it took about a month of darkness to get to tomorrow, to get to the light.

 

Yes, I am "back" -  I feel like me again. What a wonderful feeling to do normal, mundane, everyday things like go to work, walk down a sidewalk, and have conversation with people that doesn't centre around how I am feeling. Phew! Who knew boring could be so wonderful.

 

My biggest lesson after all these years fighting my nemesis is this: things always get better. Sometimes it takes longer than other times. Sometimes there is more pain. Sometimes hope seems to be more fleeting. But the end result is that I always seem to find my way back. The gift in having gone through more than one major depressive episode in my life (did I really just use the word 'gift'?!), is that I have proven myself stronger and more resilient than I ever knew.

 

If I could boil it down to one message to share with anyone fighting this dark battle it would be this: never give up hope. Never.

 

But I didn't do this alone, not this time and not any of the times before. I had support, love, and understanding from many areas of my life: family, medical professionals, friends, and my employers. As the saying goes, "It takes a village to raise a child." It also takes a village to support a person afflicted with mental illness.

 

I became affiliated with Partners for Mental Health, a Canadian not for profit organization, about a year ago. I had been searching for a mental health organization to volunteer with for awhile and they fit the bill in terms of what I was looking for. In addition to the wonderful feeling that I get from helping them raise awareness of our joint cause, I have been able to connect with a community of like-minded volunteers also working with PFMH. I have been able to expand my village, so to speak. I have a new family who support me in my struggles and who I can also support. It's wonderful!

 

I can't emphasize enough how important a sense of community is for those suffering from mental illness. A classic hallmark of depression is the fact that it's a disease that encourages isolation and withdrawal from relationships. The very thing that you need, ironically, almost feels like it's out of reach. Becoming part of a community that understands your symptoms and the challenges that they bring can play a huge role in your recovery. We all want to feel understood, don't we?

 

Another organization that does a fabulous job of creating community, and has done for the past 35 years in Vancouver, is the Kettle Society. Now, how I am only learning about this wonderful organization I don't know. But today I was invited to attend the Making a Difference luncheon, billed as a "friend-raiser", at the Four Seasons Hotel. The company that I work for is a supporter of the Kettle Society, I am very proud to say, and had a table at the event.

 

As part of the event we listened as people read excerpts from a book called Hidden Lives - Coming out of Mental Illness. Touching and inspiring stories that illustrate why we need to bring the topic of mental illness out of the shadows.

 

One of the speakers was Lenore Rowntree, an editor of the book. She said that the title was inspired by the story of Harvey Milk, the openly gay politician in San Francisco at a time when those who lived their lives openly as gay people were marginalised and discriminated against. Rowntree compared the fight against the stigma of mental illness with that of the fight for gay rights 30 years ago (and still today, to an extent).

 

I couldn't agree more with her comparison. This is a civil rights issue. There are far too many of us who are still in the closet on this topic. Why is it still shameful to say that you have been diagnosed with depression or schizophrenia or bipolar disorder? Why is that? I hope for more people to open the door and step out. I think when you do that, you are a step closer to the light and finding a community of support.

 

I also understand why people choose to stay firmly behind the door and in that dark closet. Although we are making headway in reducing misunderstanding and discrimination, it still happens. I have experienced it and I know too many others who have also.

 

But that is why organizations such as Partners for Mental Health and the Kettle Society are so important. They, along with many other "villages" across Canada, are creating a sense of community and spreading the word that tomorrow will come. It will come and things will be better again. So don't give up. Never give up!

 

KB xo

P.S. Thank you very much to Ken who gave up his ticket to this event for me!