"Happy Christmas?!"

Here we are with about two weeks to go until the 'happiest time of year' - Christmas. This year I am conflicted. In truth, I have been conflcited about Christmas for about the past ten years or so. I used to be one of those people who adored every single thing about the season. Not so much anymore.

As I have gotten older, my feelings towards the season have changed. There are plenty of reasons for this. As I have grown older I have seen that it's not an easy time for many people, some of those people being close family members. Although I love finding the perfect gift for someone, I have become tired of the excessive commercialism that is all around us. And I admit, I have fallen into the shopping trap time and again, partly because it has given me a temporary emotional lift. Unfortunately, the emphasis is on temporary - you don't feel so great when you see your credit card statement or bank balance afterwards.

The other big thing that has impacted me over the last decade or so has been depression. I have spent the better part of ten years in an almost constant state of depression. Sometimes mild, sometimes deep, it was always there. The thing with depression is that intellectually you realize that you should feel happy about something but emotionally and physically it is simply impossible. Sometimes you put on that mask and carry on as best as you can and sometimes you withdraw and let the darkness enfold you like a heavy cloak.

This year I am not in a severe depression - I thank my lucky stars for that gift every single day. But I am feeling a bit low and I think I can attribute that to the horrible weather and a very busy Autumn. So let's talk a bit about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It's a real thing but what does it look like?

* Feeling sad, grumpy, moody or anxious
* Losing interest in your usual activities
* Eating more and craving carbohydrates
* Gaining weight
* Lethargy, lacking in energy, unable to carry out a normal routine
* Sleeping more amd feeling drowsy during the daytime

I can definitely check a few things on that list and maybe you can too. As a person with a chronic illness, I have to be hyper-vigilant with my mental health. So what to do?

Light Box Therapy: These small boxes emit a light that is meant to mimic natural sunlight. They have proven to be very effective for those who suffer from SAD. They cost around $200 so they aren't inexpensive but check with your workplace benefits program (if you have one) - many plans cover part or all of the cost of a light box. If you can't afford a light box then try to sit by a window as often as you can.
Sleep: Get enough rest! It's such a hectic time of year and it can be challenging to get enough sleep but try to keep to a regular routine. Sleep is an essential element of overall physical and mental well being.
Eat Well: Boring, I know! However, you can't argue with the fact that eating well and ensuring that you drink enough water and get your vitamins is essential to wellness.
Get Outside: When the weather is not great and you are feeling down it can be so hard to motivate yourself to leave the house. I speak from experience when I say that even a quick walk around the block can do wonders for your mood. A walk in nature is even better!

Back to Christmas for a moment. Even though I seem to have The Grinch sitting on one shoulder and Buddy the Elf on the other, doing battle for my Christmas Spirit, I think I am going to try to shift things in favour of Buddy. How am I going to do that? I am going to focus on what I love about Christmas and eliminate all the rest. So that means that my gifts will mostly come from local craft fairs & artists. I will enjoy the Christmas lights that are adorning homes and businesses. And I will hug my niece and nephew, my baby brother, and my mom and dad. And I will give thanks to all those who have helped me on my journey to mental wellness over the past ten years.

Yes, maybe come Christmas I will be sharing Buddy the Elf's simple childlike joy in the season once again. After all, even The Grinch came around in the end.

KB xo

"Right By You"



It's Mental Illness Awareness Week in Canada. Wait - didn't we just have this?! Well, sort of. We had Mental Health Awareness Week back in May. This one is a bit different - this one is about the stark reality of mental illness. The focus is on illness and all that that implies.

I am not going to dance around this so here goes. People die. People die every single day in this country from mental illness and that is just not OK. It's also not OK that we feel anger about it; rather, that we feel angry towards those who commit suicide. It's especially awful when we fail to take seriously a declaration of intent to end a life. None of this is OK.

You know what is really tragic? When we lose young people to suicide. Sadly, it's our youth whose pain we so often brush aside. When a person has the strength to ask for help or describe their pain, it's a powerful thing. We shouldn't place less value on that simply because the person is young. Maybe we should take a leap of faith and believe someone when they say that they feel like they can't go on. The alternative is not worth the gamble.

Here are some things that may surprise and shock you:

* We lose two young  (ages 9-19) Canadians each day to suicide.

* As many as 173 000 young people will try to take their lives in Canada this year alone.

* 70% of mental health problems have their onset during childhood and tean years.

* Three out of four children and youth with a mental health illness will NOT receive treatment.

I don't know about you but none of that makes me feel very good. So enough with the doom and gloom. Yes, there is a lot about this fight that I am in, this fight to increase understanding and eliminate stigma, that can be super frustrating and discouraging. But there are also some really inspiring organizations and individuals out there who are creating positive impact and really making a difference. So let's shine a light on that now.

First of all, I need to give a huge shout out to Partners for For Mental Health . This is an organization that was started about two years ago with the mandate to create discussion and awareness on the topic of mental illness. They are also my volunteer organization of choice, so I may be slightly biased. The great thing about PFMH is how they have connected like minded people across the country and helped us to combine our voices on such an important health topic.

Here's what I have learned in the years that I have been writing this blog and working with PFMH: one person can create change. Don't ever fool yourself into believing that you can't make a difference. You can! OK, so how? Well, I am a believer that action toward change does not have to be big. It's the small things that we can each do in our every day. We can challenge our beliefs. We can challenge the beliefs of others. We can choose to listen rather than to judge or assume. And we can talk. Discussion about mental illness is the crucial piece of the puzzle. If someone opens up to you, treat that as a gift and hold it in high regard. Don't be dismissive. It takes a lot to be honest.

Are you looking for something more? A bigger way to influence change? Please check out Partners for Mental Health's Right By You campaign. My colleagues at PFMH will help you make a difference on this topic. Tell our fellow Canadians that death from mental illness is not right by you. It sure as hell isn't right by me.

And finally, before I go, I would like to share this PSA from the Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health which features my friend and PFMH colleague Aidan. Aidan is an outspoken advocate for youth mental health issues and has lived experience. I am incredibly thankful that he was able to weather the darkest of times to make it to adulthood. He is an inspiration to me and to many others. He is also living proof of why we need to support our youth.

KB xo

P.S. This post is dedicated to Casey who just keeps going, one foot in front of the other. I am so proud of you, my young friend. xo

"I Will Breathe"



It's too loud. Too loud. TOO. LOUD. Can't breathe. My heart is racing, racing, racing. I can't catch my breath. People - there are too many, too loud, too close. I can't breathe. Get away. I have to get away. Move. Quiet. Air. Tears pricking at my eyes. I must get away. I must be alone. I am alone. Nobody understands.

This is what an anxiety attack feels like for me. It's fresh in my mind because I had two this morning.

An anxiety attack can be debilitating and frustrating. It's frustrating because when I am in the grips of one it feels so illogical and irrational. Intellectually I tell myself to just take a deep breath and close my eyes. It's all fine. But then there's the illness - the part that is often loudest and that screams at me. Fight or flight takes hold and I can only focus on breaking free of the moment. Doing whatever it takes.

So what exactly sent me tumbling over the precipice of anxiety today? Was it public speaking? Nope - I love that sort of thing. It was noise and groups of people surrounding me.

The first small anxiety attack was brought on by a fire drill at work. It wasn't the drill itself, it was the amount of people, the small area, and the noise. I felt uncomfortable and my breathing became labored and shallow. Once I got outside in the fresh air I was OK.

Then there was the department meeting. Fifty people in a meeting room, broken into three groups and a people talking all at once. I began to feel uncomfortable again, not having been fully recovered from the earlier attack. By the end of the meeting I was eager to leave the room - my discomfort was rising but I was still OK. Then came the dreaded elevator ride.

There is always one or two people who will squeeze into the elevator just before the doors close. It's my worst nightmare. Too many people in too small of a space. Then add multiple loud conversations and I am a goner. All bets are off and the anxiety grabs me by my throat.

When I am in this moment of pain I may appear angry or upset. I am short with you if you speak to me. I might appear dismissive. I am simply not capable of social niceties. I can't act how you expect me to or how you want me to. I just can't and I don't have the luxury of time to explain to you in the moment why it's not about you. I'm in survival mode. I want to flee this space, this moment in time.

How can you help me? Allow me physical space and some time to catch my breath - literally. I need to be alone and quiet. I will be OK - this I know. And please don't think it's about you because it simply is not. So please, please don't be angry or annoyed or hurt. This isn't about you or even about me, really. It's about mental illness.

Tonight, as I write this, I am listening to calming, peaceful music. I spent the afternoon working from home, alone and in the recuperative stillness of quiet. I am tired - exhausted from the spinning merry go round. But I am also fine. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be fine then, too. Even if I am not - if depression or anxiety visit again, it will be OK. I will be OK. Because I don't, won't quit.

KB xo

P.S. If you would like to learn more about anxiety disorders please visit the Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada website

"Fairytales"



 

This August was the 17th anniversary of Princess Diana's death. I remember clearly where I was when I heard the news. I also remember the sheer shock and utter disbelief that I felt in that moment. How could something so horrible and tragic and so very real have happened to this princess?

It sent me into a depression that lasted a few weeks. I wanted to sit in front of the television and immerse myself in every detail and moment of mourning that was taking place all over the world. The thing was, I wasn't the only person who felt such a deep sense of loss for a person who I had never met. The world had made her into this larger than life being, this fairytale princess come to life.

Fast forward 17 years and I have come to understand that fairytales aren't real. As a child I idolized Princess Diana. I created scrapbook upon scrapbook, carefully cutting and pasting pictures of Diana in her latest ball gown or holding a cute little baby prince. I would often imagine what her life must be like, how lovely it must be. Oddly enough, even at such a young age, I believed that her marriage was not a love match. But surely the wealth and privilege must make her so very happy, right? Wrong.

As we now know she was riddled with insecurities. She experienced depression, anxiety and eating disorders. She lived many unhappy days and nights. Her life was certainly not a fairlytale. And this brings me to the late great Robin Williams. If you made the mistake of reading comments on social media you would have seen things like this: "But how could he have killed himself? He had so much - fame, fortune, and love. Such a waste."

And here is something else that I understand and recognize now as the truth: unhappiness, discontent, and insecurities are universal. Mental illness knows no boundaries and it does not discriminate. Are you a princess? A famous Hollywood star? So what. The black dog of depression can lay itself at your feet just as easily as it does at mine.

When I think about Princess Diana today I think about all the good that she did in the world and how she was able to persevere through her difficult times. She left us while still far too young but she also left a legacy to be proud of. She inspired many in this world.

Sadly, Robin Williams seemed unable to win his battle against his illness. I do not consider suicide a weakness or a slefish act as so many others do. I consider it an act taken by a human being who was in such devestating pain that he felt that was his only option. As someone who has experienced deep, dark pain I understand how that might feel and I am certainly not one to judge him - we cannot know exactly what he was feeling.

 

So no, I don't believe in fairytales. But that doesn't mean that I don't believe in magic, in love, and in wishing on stars. Without hope we have nothing. Without hope I don't believe that I would be sitting here writing this today. So each day I try to live my life completely and fully, to live my best life. And that is what I hope for you.

KB xo

"No Good, Very Bad Days"

Remember Alexander? He had a bad day, once. Well, not a bad day exactly - more like "a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." Ever had one of those? Yes, me too.

Sometimes life sucks, plain and simple. Often when we are feeling miserable we also feel alone. Funny, that feeling, because what binds humankind together are two commonalities: suffering and the ability to feel joy. Two ends of the emotional spectrum, really.

If you have been reading my blog of late you will know this: I am happy and healthy. My depression is pretty much in remission. I look around me and I see a lot of unhappiness, however. There is civil unrest in Missouri, Syria, the Ukraine and Iraq. We just lost the iconic Robin Williams to depression. And people are battling cancer, relationship issues, and general stress in their daily lives. There is a lot going on in this wide world of ours. It's enough to affect even the happiest of us.

Here's something that you should know about many of us who have suffered through and survived multiple depressive episodes: when we are well we are nervous. We are nervous that the black dog will come back and lay itself at our feet. Because of this, I have become sensitive to maintaining balance in my life. If I don't keep my eye on the goal, it can be disastrous for me.

So, how can we keep our spirits up in a world that sometimes seems like it's crumbling about us?

What you think, you become.

What you feel, you attract.

What you imagine, you create.

~ Buddha

 

Take a piece of advice from Buddha. Consider your thoughts - recognize if they are helping or hurting you. We often have those ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) that come marching in. It's OK - we are all human. Have the thought, recognize it for what it is, and then let it go. Create space and room in your life to contemplate your feelings and what you really need - not just what you think you want. Eliminate the 'noise' - turn off the news if it makes you feel sad. Walk away from situations in life that leave you feeling depleted. and most important of all? Look for and recognize the good that is also all around you.

 



The next time that you have a day like Alexander's remember one thing: With each new day comes new possibilities, dreams, and beauty.

KB xo

"Summertime Blues"

 

Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be,

and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.
― Caroline Myss

It's summertime and I am happy. It's surprising to me to see those words before me and to know that they are true.

 

It may be interesting for some to learn that many people don't enjoy summer. The weather is uncomfortably hot and things take on a temporary feel. And, if you are one of these people, there is the sense that something is wrong with you if you aren't savouring every moment of summer's splendour.

 

There have been many summers that I have felt part of this group, the quiet ones who felt a bit out of place because we didn't love every moment of the season. This feeling was compounded for me over the past few years because I was very ill, fighting severe depression.

 

Part of me has also felt very guilty about not living up to society's expectations. I should be at the beach in a bikini or on a patio with friends having drinks or going on a super fun road trip! What was I doing instead? Retreating to my parents' country backyard to lick my wounds and heal myself, something that proved to take more than one season, more than one summer.

 

You have likely heard of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which mostly afflicts people in the winter months due to the reduced hours of sunlight. About 10% of those people will experience it in reverse - in the summertime. There are a few reasons for this, according to WebMD: the heat & humidity, financial stresses, disrupted schedules, and body image issues.

 

So, are you one of these people? Are you a member of this super-secret club? Come closer because I have something to tell you: it's OK. There - I said it. It's absolutely OK if you don't love everything about summer. Think it's too hot out? Don't want to fight traffic out of the city every Friday afternoon to head away for the all too brief weekend? It's all OK.

 

The big lesson for me on my journey in and out of depression is this: do what you need to do for YOU. Are you happier at an afternoon matinee in an air-conditioned, dark movie theatre than at the beach? Then do it. Don't measure yourself against society's expectations, big or small, because they are most likely just your perception of what you think is expected of you. Be you. Set your own pace and your own goals and dreams.

 

Yes, this summer I am happy. I am depression-free and embracing the things about the summer months that make me happy. I am staying in the moment and recognizing and welcoming the simple things in life that bring me joy. Maybe you should do that, too.

KB xo



"Your Song"



 

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

Your Song by Elton John & Bernie Taupin

 

Do you tolerate things or people in life? How about your mother in law - tolerable? Do you tolerate trips to the dentist because you know it's necessary but you secretly fear it? What about those long, boring meetings at work?

 

Now, how about gay people? Do you tolerate them? What about people with a mental illness such as addiction? I sure as hell don't tolerate these people and neither should you. Hear me out...

 

First, what does the word tolerance actually mean? Here's the Merrian Webster definition:

 

: willingness to accept feelings, habits, or beliefs that are different from your own

: the ability to accept, experience, or survive something harmful or unpleasant

 

The definition is kind of two-fold. I like the first part; it's the second part that I have trouble with. The second part is how many people seem to use the word these days.

 

By now you are wondering why I am writing about tolerance and gay people, right? It's Pride Weekend in Vancouver and that has gotten me thinking about acceptance and diversity in our world. I heard someone say recently that "it's good that Vancouver has become so tolerant of gays." Um, OK - so that's a step in the right direction but not quite there. Is being merely tolerant good enough? Do we say, It's nice that Canada tolderates women. I don't think so.

 

I consider myself very lucky for a number of reasons. I live in a liberal, socially conscious city and I have had the privilege of knowing many wonderful homosexual people - some friends and some family. But not just that - I have friends who are Jewish, Christian and Muslim. Some friends are third generation Canadian, some are recent immigrants and some are First Nations. I know people who have had cancer, some have weathered severe depression and some who struggle with addition. Oh, and I know a few jerks, too, but I am pretty good about weeding them out pretty quickly.

 

My life is richly diverse and I wouldn't have it any other way. I learn so much from the people who surround me - they inspire me and they challenge what I know and believe of the world. That's a gift. So no, I don't tolerate any of these people. I choose to embrace them for the unique, one of a kind people that they are. That's what they deserve. That's what we all deserve.

 

KB xo

 

P.S. For a laugh on the ridiculousness of racism, please watch this: Aziz Ansari on Conan O'Brien