"Valentine's Day Love Letter"

Valentine's Day for me is never about romantic love. It's about love. Period. Sure, when I was in my twenties and had some tumultuous, passionate relationships (oh, young love!) it was about my boyfriends at the time. One year I received a beautiful bouquet of roses. A few days later I got dumped. Hmm. Kind of makes the roses loses their luster, doesn't it? It also works wonders for a young woman's self esteem. But that is another post (and probably a therapy session or two...). The older that I have gotten, the more I have moved away from the Hallmark card ideal of what Valentine's Day 'should be'. 

My maternal grandmother was a very sweet, generous, loving woman. She taught me, very early in my life, the power of a small, thoughtful gesture. She would make your favourite cookies when you came for a visit (for the record, homemade sour cream cookies stored in a plastic ice cream tub), send you an Easter package with lollipops and an inflatable bunny rabbit in the mail, and cut up an apple just how you liked it. She would tell me, on a regular basis, that she adored me. She was very special. And, just like the rest of us, she also had a challenging life at times. When I reflect on how my grandma lived her life, I see that she cultivated a practice of gratitude and shared her love freely. Was that conscious? I have no idea. Did she wear rose-coloured glasses at times? Absolutely. But she certainly held the key to moving through life with grace.

My focus these days is on creating a nurturing, loving world in which to live. As I have become much more intentional about recognizing all that I am grateful for in my life, I have reaped some pretty fabulous benefits. When you view your glass as half full, you shift how the world appears to you. It changes the energy around you. A horrible day becomes just one day out of so many full of promise; with gratitude comes perspective.

If I think back over the past two decades of depression and anxiety, I have to say that the most impactful thing that I have done has been to change my attitude. Simple yet hard. I had a choice to either let mental illness rule the roost or I could take control of the things that were in my power. Identifying negative thoughts and patterns was a big part of that. 

A friend at work pulled me aside the other day when she was having a moment of anger towards herself. She had eaten something unhealthy and was feeling both physically and mentally bad about it. My response:  it's OK - you are a human being. Don't be harder on yourself than you would be on a friend. I love that she said how she was feeling. She recognized the negative impact that this was having on her and, I hope, was able to let it go. As the world-wise Taylor Swift sings, "Shake it off!"

This might seem like a small thing - eating some junk food and feeling bad about it. But our beliefs and thoughts hold great power over us. The good news is that we can rewire our brains. Start by spending just a day really listening to your inner dialogue. How many times do you tell yourself that you are dumb for making that mistake or too fat to wear those pants? How often do you berate yourself for saying that 'stupid' thing in conversation at work? You do it. I do it, too. But I do it a lot less frequently than I used to. It's usually when I am tired and feeling less than resilient. Gratitude, awareness and perspective have helped me move along this path towards self-love. My daily life is much nicer, as a result.

"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway." ~ Mary Kay Ash

On this Valentine's Day my wish for you is a life full of love and self-acceptance. Believe the best in yourself. You ARE good enough. You are capable of great, wonderful things. Be your best friend, your own personal cheerleader. Be that bumblebee and fly!

KB xo

P.S. Here are some great reminders and ways to love yourself!

Fifty songs about self-love

Check out the fabulous list of things that self-loving people do differently via MindBodyGreen

Thirty things you should do for yourself.

"Merci, Gracias, Thank You"

Thank you. How often do you say these two words? I truly believe that these words hold the key to unlocking contentment and happiness. Does it sound like I am about to launch into a Pollyanna-ish post about all things rainbows and butterflies? Perhaps. Stay with me...

The American author Melody Beattie describes gratitude and its transformative power like this:

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

I am in a chapter of my life where gratitude comes easily to me. It's second nature for me to find myself in a random, yet intentional, moment when I am simply thankful. It might be at night when I tuck myself into bed and a smile creeps over my face as I feel how cozy my bed is, how comforting my bedroom is. It might be at work after a water cooler chat with a colleague about something silly or perhaps deep and meaningful. I walk away feeling really lucky and grateful to have a pretty great group of people to work with on a daily basis.

It hasn't always been this way for me. I think I have always been a positive person but I didn't always take a moment to recognize all that I have. In my twenties I wanted to be slimmer. I wanted to be smarter. I wanted to have 'more'. In retrospect I had all of that. I didn't need to lose weight or be smarter. I was already those things. I just didn't see it. And, I am certain, major depressive disorder played a big part in that. Youth probably had a hand it it, as well.

As depression tightened its vice-like grip on me, mentally and physically, my life became almost unbearable. I often wondered why I was alive, what was the purpose of any of it. I considered death. I developed bulimia. I withdrew even more from the world. And then something changed. At some point in my early thirties I realized that I had a choice: I could let depression and anxiety run my world or I could take control of a few things.

It was through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that I learned some truths about mental illness, the big one being that depression is a lying bastard. It tells you all sorts of bad, wrong things: you aren't good enough; life is too hard; give up. Lies, all lies. Working with a psychologist and then, eventually, a psychiatrist, I was able to begin retraining my brain. I began to understand the power of living in the moment, recognizing and stopping negative thoughts, and the incredible benefits of gratitude.

"Fear is why we don't take action and anger is why we get stuck. You can't be grateful and angry simultaneously. You can't be fearful and be grateful simultaneously. So it's really the reset button." 

~ life strategist,Tony Robbins

Gratitude has definitely been my reset button. By focusing on appreciating the big and small gifts in my life I am much calmer and happier. I find myself at a place in my life where I am much more in control of my mental health. I still have anxiety attacks but I am learning how to better manage them and, when possible, avoid them. My depression is in remission. And, for the first time in my life I truly believe in myself and my ability to live my best life.

As Ms. Beattie said so eloquently, "Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." Yes. Thank you.

KB xo

P.S. Check out these great gratitude resources:

Five benefits of gratitude and four tips for how to cultivate it.

The Gratitude Experiment

How to be grateful every damn day.

"The Power of Ordinary"

Which moments in life are the ones that make you feel true happiness? Was it that day that you got a promotion at work? Was it the time that you went on a big shopping trip? How about the time that you met one of your sports heroes? Chances are that you enjoyed those moments, absolutely. But did they bring true happiness or real joy?

I recently spent nine days over the Christmas holidays with extended family in Hawaii. Extravagant? Perhaps, yes. It certainly wasn't inexpensive with the state of the Canadian dollar! My cousins and I planned this vacation for a year and a half and when it finally happened, it was pretty amazing. I would say that it was a once in a lifetime experience. It made me very happy, indeed. But it wasn't because of the monetary value or the exotic location (although, Hawaii is certainly my geographic happy place!)

My happiest, most joyful moments on the trip were the simple ones: enjoying a really good cup of hot Kona coffee; a simple picnic dinner spent with family on the beach; staring out to the ocean, watching and listening to the waves crash and just letting my mind wander; gazing at the stars at night; laughing with my loved ones over something ridiculous; and just talking one on one. 

When I came back from vacation and friends asked me about my time away and I recounted my favourite memories, I was reminded how easily one can take the wonderful moments from a vacation and transfer them to everyday life.  

When I returned home I bought myself a brand new mug for work that says Hello Sunshine - it just makes me smile (and it makes those who see it smile, too). Every morning as I check my email and start my day I do so while enjoying a hot cup of coffee. Because I love Hawaii, I often listen to instrumental Hawaiian music on my earphones while I work. I connect with loved ones whether it's via email, telephone, social media or in person; cultivating relationships with people who lift my energy and mood is vital to my true happiness and overall well-being.

Not that hard, right? And yet, it can be at times. Life gets hectic and we start moving faster and faster. Soon that vacation is only a memory and the benefits to our mental and physical well-being have either diminished or left us altogether. Experiencing mood disorders over the past two decades has taught me a few important lessons, one of which is that sometimes you just need to stop. Stop and take a few deep breaths. Stop and go for a walk around the block. Stop and reflect on what is working in your life and what is not.

Is going on an expensive or exotic vacation the end goal? Or is it to spend time slowing down and being in the moment, either alone or with people that you love? Is that big promotion - the next step on the career ladder - all about status and money? Is it about getting what you think you should because everyone else is doing it? Will it make you truly happy or do you need to shift how you view your career and aspirations?

My Hawaiian vacation? If I am being honest, it was just as wonderful as our extended family vacation spent in Medicine Hat, Alberta last summer. And the one that we spent in Maple Ridge, BC the year before. All the ingredients were there: people who love each other, enjoying each other's company and truly appreciating the little ordinary moments in life. 

KB xo

P.S. For some additional inspiration...

15 Ways You Can Be Happier

The Ten Most Important Things to Simplify in Your Life

"Let's Talk...Again"

It's Let's Talk Day in Canada. This is one day each year that Bell encourages Canadians to talk about mental health. It's a fabulous thing and it's also ridiculous. Let me explain...

This year I have seen discussion and debate on social media about the fact that a large corporation such as Bell is potentially gaining from hosting what some view as basically a publicity campaign. There is conversation around the fact that their intentions are not completely altruistic. OK. Yes, Bell may be gaining goodwill and all that that may encompass through this campaign but here's the thing: nobody else is encouraging conversation about this life and death topic on the scale that Bell is. And let's be clear about one thing - we are literally speaking about a life and death issue. People die from mental illness.

I am quite fine with the fact that Bell is going to receive some 'good energy' from this. Frankly, I think they deserve a pat on the back. The fact that Canadians are showing up in the thousands on Twitter and Facebook, having conversations around the water cooler at work and talking with their kids at home over the dinner table about mental health is a good thing. Period. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Here's how this day is also just ridiculous: we shouldn't need a designated day, a splashy campaign, or encouragement from celebrities and sports heroes in order to talk about mental health. It should not be heralded as brave for a person to say out loud that they have depression, an eating disorder or addiction. As Howie Mandel says in one of the Bell Let's Talk promos, a person should be able to say, "I need to leave early today for my psychologist's appointment" just as we would when we need to go to the dentist. It's ridiculous.

And that, folks, is why I welcome any opportunity that encourages Canadians to question their beliefs about mental health, to engage in dialogue, and to set aside the fear attached to admitting to having a mental illness. Until the time that we no longer require a special day, and I truly hope that comes sooner rather than later, let's talk.

Who will join me in this conversation today, tomorrow and beyond?

KB xo

"Inhale Love"

As I write this the world is mourning yet more terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut. Well, mostly they are mourning for Paris; Beirut seems less worthy, somehow, of Western media's attention and, in turn, our sympathy. I can't turn on the television or check Facebook or twitter without more sadness and reports of violence and death.

It all makes me sad. Sad for those killed in the Paris attacks and even more sad for the people who are lost to violence and terrorism all over the world who don't seem to receive our acknowledgement or attention. As a particularly empathetic and sensitive person who tends to soak up emotions and energy around me like a sponge, this is bad news for my mental health.

I know that I am not alone in this feeling. It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that the world is a scary, dangerous place. Certainly, there is a lot that is not good. But there is also so much good all around us. So how do we balance the negative energy and news that we are bombarded with on a daily basis and look after our mental well being? I am glad you asked - I have a few suggestions.

Allow Yourself to Feel Emotions: We are human beings with human emotions. It's OK to feel sad or angry about something. Allow yourself to feel - in my opinion it's better than a feeling of numbness at hearing the 100th report of a school shooting. But is it healthy to hold onto those emotions for too long? Perhaps not. It's also OK to let go of those feelings and move forward.

Challenge Yourself: Take some time to process a negative event and the information that you receive about that event, especially from media. Is the information that you are receiving accurate or perhaps slanted toward a particular view? If the information is overwhelming or doesn't serve you in a healthy way then maybe consider turning off the TV and not reading your news feed on social media for awhile.

Count Your Blessings: Simple and a cliche but still a great tip. When things are challenging for me whether in terms of my mental health or just a stressful week at work I take a moment to remind myself of all that I have: I live in a beautiful city, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, and amazing friends and family.

Practice Self Care: Do you get enough sleep? Do you carve out time for yourself to just sit quietly and enjoy a cup of tea? When was the last time you went for a walk in nature? How about giving and receiving a giant, squishy hug with someone you love? Do you follow the 80/20 rule with your diet? All of these things are vital and, I am afraid to say, we don't pay nearly enough attention to them.

Take Control: If you feel passionate about an injustice that you see in the world, consider taking action. Join a not for profit organization that supports refugees or fights poverty and homelessness. Channel your energy and emotions towards change and positive impact.

Yes, as I write this there is darkness in this world. but there is also sunshine and love and goodness. I choose to align my thoughts with that energy. I am going to give the last word the great Mother Theresa: "What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family."

KB xo

P.S. here are some ideas of how to process tragedy courtesy of MindBodyGreen

"Aftershocks"

If mental illnesses were people, depression would be an asshole. He would be the mean-spirited person who chips away at your self esteem, day by day and moment by moment. His little brother, anxiety, would be the insensitive practical joker who has the world's lowest EQ; anxiety is the jerk that loves to scare you and instead of apologizing says something brusque like, "I was only kidding - lighten up!"

Today that jerk anxiety stopped by. Again, he was triggered by a fire drill at work. The last time that I wrote about this I described my experience within the heart of the attack vividly. Today I was very aware of the delayed effects - the after shocks.

Once the fire drill ended and things were getting back to normal, I began to notice some emotions within myself. Tears surfaced and streamed down my face slowly for about 30 seconds. A few minutes later I felt anger - I was so mad that a simple fire drill had caused this. Then I just needed to retreat to somewhere quiet and safe: home. And the final aftershock: fatigue. Once I got home I spent the afternoon in bed sleeping.

As I write this I am feeling much better, almost myself once again. And I know that by tomorrow the aftershocks will have abated and, although likely still tired, my mood will be back to normal. What's interesting to me is that at this point in my life with mental illness I often view myself and my experiences with curiosity. I want to know how I can learn from an anxiety attack or depressive episode; how can I  use what I learn and apply it to my work in disability employment and mental health advocacy?

I wasn't the only person in a good size office building to have experienced distress today. I am not here to tell their stories, however; I am here to consider their experiences, in addition to mine, and try to make things better. Does a one size fits all approach really fit all? No, I don't think it does. It's time to consider safety (yes, we need to conduct fire drills) and mitigate risk by looking at it from a new angle and in consideration of people with disabilities. Would you know what to do in a real emergency to help a colleague who uses a wheelchair? What about a colleague who has a neurodveleopmental disability? I assume that someone knows what to do but who is someone?! A few things to think about, yes?

In my last post I wrote about dignity. I think it's very relevant here and now. Nobody wants to be the one that draws attention to themselves for what they perceive to be a moment of weakness. Is there anything worse than having people watch you cry? OK, there are worse things but my point is that it feels really uncomfortable and, frankly, embarrassing. I think we can spare people that feeling.

Keeping our employees safe and healthy in the workplace is important. Let's do what we can to mitigate risk and ensure that our workplaces are truly inclusive for all. Let's think outside of the existing box and build something better, together. Oh, and let's tell that jerk, anxiety, that he isn't welcome.

KB xo

P.S. Here are some great tips and reminders to manage stress and anxiety courtesy of HelpGuide.org

• Practice relaxation techniques. When practiced regularly, relaxation techniques such as mindfulness meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing can reduce anxiety symptoms and increase feelings of relaxation and emotional well-being.
• Adopt healthy eating habits. Start the day right with breakfast, and continue with frequent small meals throughout the day. Going too long without eating leads to low blood sugar, which can make you feel more anxious.
• Reduce alcohol and nicotine. They lead to more anxiety, not less.
• Exercise regularly. Exercise is a natural stress buster and anxiety reliever. To achieve the maximum benefit, aim for at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise on most days.
• Get enough sleep. A lack of sleep can exacerbate anxious thoughts and feelings, so try to get seven to nine hours of quality sleep a night.

"Dignity & Mental Health"

What do human rights mean to you? Is it the ability to vote? Maybe it's the freedom to choose where you live, your job and who you will marry. What about freedom of expression? Do you exercise these rights and freedoms or do you take them for granted? If you are like many Canadians, I would wager that you take them for granted a good deal of the time. Don't feel bad - I do, too. But is that OK? Is that right?

In Canada we have a Human Rights Act. The wikipedia  definition  is this: "The Canadian Human Rights Act is a statute passed by the Parliament of Canada in 1977 with the express goal of extending law to ensure equal opportunity to individuals who may be victims of discriminatory practices based on a set of prohibited grounds such as sex, disability or religion." Before former Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau signed this Act it was not illegal to refuse a job to an applicant if she was a woman or if he was Jewish. Imagine that - only 38 years ago that form of discrimination was still legally and socially acceptable. We've come a long way though, right? Maybe not.

Today is October 10th and World Mental Health Day. The theme this year is Dignity in Mental Health. Why dignity? Here's how the World Health Organization explains it: "Thousands of people with mental health conditions around the world are deprived of their human rights. They are not only discriminated against, stigmatized and marginalized but are also subject to emotional and physical abuse in both mental health facilitates and the community." And if you think the WHO just means third world countries you are mistaken.

My own career has suffered some blows through my episodes of major depression. I absolutely had colleagues who thought that I was using mental illness as an excuse. And excuse for what, I am not sure. It certainly wasn't a get out of jail free card. And yes, it still stings when I think of the manager who was pretty transparent in her wish to be rid of me and that job that I was qualified for but passed over for someone far less experienced. I didn't speak up because I didn't want to upset anyone. I don't think anybody worried about upsetting me. And I am pretty sure nobody was thinking about the Human Rights Act, my own human rights or my dignity when any of that happened. In fact, I felt stripped of my dignity and it has taken me a long time to reclaim that.

In all honestly I don't believe that any of the discrimination that I experienced was intentional or mean-spirited. But that doesn't make it feel any better. I have friends and colleagues within the world of mental health advocacy who have experienced far worse than I: families that abused them or turned their backs on them in their weakest moments; health care professionals showing indifference and misdiagnosing illness; employers terminating employment or eliminating a candidate for a job because of mental illness. Come to think of it, I did experience some of that. Hmmm.

Thirty-eight years after the Human Rights Act legislation was enacted there is still wide-spread discrimination for those with disabilities. And to be clear, mental disorders (including mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, as well as neurodevelopmental disabilities, Autism, ADHD, etc.) are considered disabilities. You may not have known that, perhaps. This is a common misunderstanding and misunderstandings lead to stigma and discrimination.

So how do we change this? How can we ensure that all our citizens are able to claim their rights and freedoms? I am glad you asked. Here are some suggestions:

* Unconscious bias is real thing that we all have. But we can choose what information serves us and eliminate what we know to no longer be true. Challenge yourself and challenge others.

* Be aware of the language that you use. I don't mean that we all have to be politically correct and worry about everything we say. What I am suggesting is that we recognize that words have a power of their own. Don't refer to a person who has Downs Syndrome as retarded. Don't say that you are depressed because your favourite TV show was cancelled. And here's your final 'don't': please don't say someone is Bi-polar. A person cannot be an illness. We don't say that someone is cancer. Someone has cancer.

* Decide what kind of community, province and country that you want to live in. Become educated about mental health issues. Volunteer for mental health organizations. And vote in elections - yes, your vote can make a difference.

I lost my dignity. I lost my self esteem. I lost my courage. And yes, I lost my voice for awhile. But once I found it and began to exercise it, I began to reclaim those other things. Most importantly, I made a promise to myself. I would not be a second class citizen. And neither would anyone else, if I could help it. As our federal election looms in the very near future please remember that our rights and freedoms are hard fought - don't neglect them. Find YOUR voice and fight for the dignity of those who need your help. We are all in this together, Canada.

KB xo

Want to learn more about mental health issues or become involved? Read more about the fabulous organization that I volunteer with: Partners for Mental Health

Other resources:
Canadian Mental Health Association
The Kettle Society: Strength Through Mental Health
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
Inclusion BC: Advancing Rights. Promoting Abilities.