"Opposite Day"

I don't hate summer; I just don't really love it. What?! Summer?! Surely I must mean winter, right? Nope. I mean summer. It's not my favourite season. In fact, it's a really difficult time for me.

You have likely heard of seasonal affective disorder, commonly referred to as SAD. Did you know that for about 10% of people impacted by SAD, they experience it in the summer months? Lucky me, I am among that 10%. It's like opposite day for me when the rest of the world seems to be embracing the heat, having fun at the lake or getting together with friends for backyard BBQs. Sure, I enjoy some of that but mostly I am uncomfortable - mentally and physically. And that's a really hard thing to admit, especially when it seems to go against what you think the rest of the world feels. Just look at facebook where everyone is just having The. Best. Time. Oh, the pressure.

For someone who is pretty in tune with her moods and triggers after all these years, I was surprised when a friend pointed something out to me recently: in the five years that she has known me my mood has taken a hit starting each spring. Wow. How did I not see that?! And yes, it's true. Each of the depressive episodes that I have experienced have started in the spring. In fact, as I write this I am struggling once again with the ups and downs of mild to moderate depression.

So what is reverse seasonal affective disorder all about anyway? According to an online article in Psychology Today,  "While winter SAD is linked to a lack of sunlight, it is thought that summer SAD is due to the reverse - possibly too much sunlight, which also leads to modulations in melatonin production. Another theory is that people might stay up later in summer, throwing their sensitive circadian rhythms for a loop."

Bingo.  My circadian rhythms are way off. I can't get to sleep even when I am really tired. When I do sleep it is fitful. I don't wake up refreshed but exhausted. Sleep is the centre of everything for me. It impacts my mood and attitude, how I eat and what I eat, and if I have the energy to exercise or not. When I don't have enough of it, it takes control and dictates my choices. In short, it goes hand in hand with my old friend, depression.

Oh, and did I mention that my city is having a heat wave with record breaking temperatures? Extreme temperatures can increase the amount of headaches and migraines that a person experiences and it can also impact depression and mood.

All of this adds up to a perfect storm for my mental health. Swell.

If you know me at all, you will know this one thing: I don't give up. Not when it comes to my mental health or anything that I care strongly about. So how am I battling this latest challenge? I am taking each day as it comes. Each day is a new opportunity to try again - to eat well, connect with people, practice mindfulness, go for a walk, and (hopefully!) get a good night's sleep. I refuse to focus on the negative for too long. Even in my down moments I still recognize that the sun is shining - literally and figuratively!

All we have in this life are two things: this moment and the ability to change our attitude. Make your life what YOU want it to be. If that means spending a sweltering summer evening in an air-conditioned movie theatre giggling with a friend at a funny movie then do that (Thanks, D!). Write your own script. Embrace your own opposite day.

KB xo

For more information about the connection between headaches and temperature click here

"Old Ways New Doors"

Standard police checks will no longer include mental health records or acquittals under new Ontario law. Wow. This is a significant step in the right direction. Good for you, Ontario! But wait. Did you even realize that this was standard practice in Ontario and continues in other Canadian provinces? Or, maybe you wonder why this even matters. It might matter if you are applying for a job.

The information that is supplied to potential employers as part of a criminal records check is used to influence a hiring decision for some organizations. Much of that information is important and relevant to certain jobs and industries. But mental health information should not be included and revealed to potential employers. As both a mental health advocate and a human resources professional, I have long believed that this is a violation of privacy. It also speaks to so many flaws in the way we view, react to, and treat those with mental illness.

Police should not have to act as first responders to a person in the midst of a mental health crisis. Unfortunately, this is commonly the case. In a Globe and Mail article published last fall in follow up to Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson and former Police Chief Jim Chiu's call to action the year before, the following details about police calls were provided:

"Of all reported incidents that police responded to, 21 percent involved a person with a mental illness - and the department feels the true figure is probably closer to 30 percent, Constable Montague said. But even at 21 percent, you're looking at tens of thousands of calls a year - like 300,000 calls a year, 75 calls a day, every day. It's a huge issue, there's no doubt about it."

So let's say that you were once one of those people in crisis, medical crisis to be clear. Fast forward to healthier days and you are being considered for employment. It might be your dream job or it might not. But I'll tell you what employment is for a person who has struggled with mental illness and disability: it provides a sense of purpose, a paycheque to pay for a home and food, and it is connection to community. A job is never really just a job.

Mental illness is considered a disability and under the Canadian Human Rights Code disability is a protected ground. As such, it is illegal for an employer to refuse employment to a candidate because that person has had, or currently has, a mental illness. Throw irrelevant information into the mix by way of a criminal records check and an employer who may not understand the legalities and implications of declining employment, and you have a problem. No, not a problem - more like a human rights violation.

All provinces and territories in Canada who still include mental health records in a criminal records check need to follow Ontario's lead and make these changes. Let's stop treating those of us with a mental illness as second class citizens. Time to open some new doors, don't you think?

KB xo

P.S. To read the Globe and Mail article about the policy change in Ontario click on this link.

"Hands Together"

I have surprised many people over the years when I say that I have depression and anxiety. The response that often follows is this: but you seem so happy and outgoing - I can't believe it! The reality is that depression and anxiety are complicated illnesses with many layers. The assumptions that we make about mental disorders are largely untrue. Yes, there are moments when I am in a depressive state and I may laugh and seem alive and in high spirits. Sometimes I am, for a moment. Sometimes I am fabulous at deception. And sometimes I just don't have the strength or desire to pretend.

If you ask me why I became an advocate for mental health awareness and many other social issues, the long answer would have to do with who I am at my core - I am empathetic with a strong sense of responsibility when it comes to this world that we live in and the people who inhabit it. It's not enough for me to just go through the motions in life. The short answer is that I wanted to make sense out of my own experiences. And so I began a journey.

My journey towards formal advocacy led me to Partners for Mental Health (PFMH) a not for profit organization based in Ottawa. There are many fabulous mental health organizations out there and they all need volunteers - I had my work cut out for me when deciding which one I wanted to work with. What greatly appealed to me at PFMH is the fact that they are a small organization focused largely on awareness and understanding of mental health issues in Canada and at the time that I joined back in 2012, they were in their infancy. After speaking with them, I felt like it was a good fit for me. I could help them to create impact and develop some of my own advocacy skills. That's all true but here's what I hadn't bargained on: the profound sense of belonging that I gained.

There are many studies that show the benefits of volunteering and I am here to tell you that the benefits are real. Not only do I have a sense of purpose, that I am doing something valuable, but I also have been welcomed as part of an amazing community. I often refer to my colleagues as my PFMH family - some of them I have met in person but most of us, spread across the country, have never met except online. And yet, the friendships that I have developed are real, lasting, and of great comfort to me.

A classic hallmark of depression is a feeling of isolation - that you are all alone in this big, scary world. At least, that's how it feels when you are in the tight grasp of the illness. Having a community that I can reach out to, who understand how I feel when I am ill, and who equally understand the sense of passion that I have for advocacy is an amazing comfort. 

My PFMH family is always there when I need them and I think they feel the same about me. There is a silent agreement that we come together when we need to: if one of us is unwell or if there is a particular campaign or topic that we need to raise our voices together on, we rally the troops. When one of us reaches out a hand, there is always someone there to grab hold. I am not alone. I am never alone. Neither are you.

KB xo

"Let's Get Loud!"

Why am I still talking about mental illness? Haven't I said all that I can say on the topic? You might be asking that question. After all, it's been a few years since I started this blog. Yes, I have asked myself once or twice if I should keep going or maybe close up my laptop and sign off. Maybe it's time to just stop. Then I see a report like the one that I watched last night.

Pop Quiz Time:
Question #1: If you are suffering from a mental illness and you go to a Canadian hospital, will you receive the care that you need?
Question #2: If you are admitted to a Canadian hospital because you are deemed at risk for death by suicide, will you be safe?
Question #3: If you are on suicide watch in a Canadian hospital, will you be watched?
The answer to these questions is, sadly and shockingly, not always.

Remember a few years back when Michael Moore made the documentary about the state of healthcare in the United States? Canada was held up as a shining example of a top-notch system. While I don't disagree that we are very lucky and, in most cases, it truly is excellent, I have to say that it's time we took a close look at all aspects of health and our medical system. Do we treat all illnesses with the same level of attention and due diligence? Nope - not even close when it comes to mental illness.

The Canadian investigative news program, W5, broadcast a story called Suicide Watch. In the report, they told the story of Ross Allan, a young man from British Columbia diagnosed with schizophrenia who killed himself by hanging in a hospital washroom. I admit that I didn't watch longer than ten minutes. I simply couldn't. Yes, I was saddened. Was it a trigger for me in terms of my own mental illness? No. A trigger for anger? You bet it was.

How is it that a person in a Canadian hospital, who is on suicide watch, is left alone to his own devices and is able to find what he needs (time alone, tools) to take his life? When someone is admitted to hospital with a life threatening illness or injury we don't say to that person, we are just going to put you in a corner of this busy emergency room for now and we'll get back to you in a few hours. Oh, and we are probably not going to check on you either. This is what happened to Ross Allan. Not OK. Not OK by a long shot.

As part of the investigation, W5 reported: "...W5 was able to extrapolate data to produce a national picture of inpatient suicides. It is believed that there have been approximately 300 deaths over ten years involving suicidal patients who were supposed to be son strict watch."

Here's another question. Are YOU OK with the loss of 300 lives? Is it alright that a developed, first world country treats its people who have a mental illness like second class citizens ? It sure as hell isn't OK with me and I am banking on it not being OK with YOU.

How can you help? Get loud! It's Canadian Mental Health Awareness Week. Educate yourself, challenge bias and stigma, and create conversation about this serious health issue. Do it for Ross Allen and the other 298 lost citizens. Do it for me. And keep the conversation going.

KB xo

P.S. Learn more about Canadian Mental Health Awareness Week
P.P.S. Want to volunteer with a fabulous not for profit organization? Check out Partners For Mental Health

'Imagining Inclusion'

Do you feel part of your community? Do you have a community? What is community?

One of the gifts that I gained after experiencing depression has been, oddly enough, a sense of community, of being part of something bigger. But let me tell you, when I was in the depths of the illness, I certainly felt all alone.

A classic hallmark of depression is a feeling of isolation. The illness has a way of ensuring that, most of the time, you do the opposite of what you should be doing to be a healthy, functioning member of society. You stay home when you could be out for dinner with your friends. You pull away from loved ones because you don't want them to see the pain that you are feeling. You fall prey to the negative dialogue in your head and the self-stigma. Get it together! What is wrong with you?!

Frankly, society doesn't really help matters. Often, it makes things worse. Why is there such a thing as self-stigma? Why do we believe that mental illness is just weakness? Partly because that is what society tells us, repeatedly.

'One lonely leaf on that tree made me think of survival. "I am determined" the leaf says "to hang on and not give up." In the mental health system, many, many of us have to go through several battles for survival.' ~ Imagining Inclusion participant

There is an important research project currently underway at Douglas College in New Westminster, British Columbia in partnership with the Open Door Group. It's called Imagining Inclusion. The project endeavors to ask these two questions:
1. How do individuals living with mental illness experience community inclusion, health, and well-being? and,
2. What are meaningful, practical, and relevant ways to represent community inclusion, health, and well-being for those living with mental illness?

Imagining Inclusion participants have done something remarkable: through simple photographs and a line or two about their sense of community they are literally and figuratively giving us a snapshot into their daily lives. What Douglas College and the Open Door Group are doing is significant - they are providing an opportunity for voices of an often maligned, frequently stigmatized group of our population to be heard.

It's through the disability & inclusion community and a diversity event that I came to experience the Imagining Inclusion exhibit and learn about the project. It was not enough for me to come through my last experience with depression alive - it became clear to me that to thrive in my life and mitigate risk of my illness returning, I had to cultivate community and sense of purpose. That is how my world of advocacy began. By refusing to wear that heavy cloak of stigma and shame, I have found an amazing supportive world out there. But...

It's still the real world out there and there is substantial work ahead in eradicating stigma. But it's through the commitment of organizations such as the Open Door Group and people who want to learn, such as the engaged researchers at Douglas College, and, last but certainly not least, the participants of Imagining Inclusion that we will reach that mountain top.

What can you do to create a stronger sense of community for yourself and others? How do we move towards empathy and away from insensitivity and indifference? So here's YOUR call to action. Find a small way that you can make your neighborhood, your workplace, your family a better place. One person can make a difference. Now imagine what the combined efforts of many can do. Imagine inclusion...

KB xo

P.S. For more information about the fabulous Open Door Group please visit their website

"The Secret"

 

In my last post I asked you to be brave, just a little bit. I think it's only fair that I take a brave step, too. So here goes.

 

I have been writing this blog for about three years and speaking openly about my experiences with depression and anxiety for a lot longer than that. I have shared much with you. Some things I hold back and keep for myself. But there is something that I want to share because it's time that I stop feeling badly about it.

 

In the depths of my depression, in the darkest of times, I was bulimic. I have only told my doctor this, and perhaps one or two other people. I feel no shame about depression and anxiety but I have felt shame about bulimia. It's been my dirty little secret. It's time to let go of that.

 

So why now? Why have I chosen to disclose this in such a public way? Partly because it does feel a bit hypocritical to be encouraging others to share and let go of self-stigma when I am holding onto some, myself. And partly because eating disorders are such a horrible thing. Someone made a joke to me about wanting to be bulimic. It sat so wrong with me and in the three weeks since, I have thought about it almost every day. I guess today is the day that I decided that joke really wasn't OK.

 

I grew up without a weight problem and with a mother who never dieted. We ate healthily as a family. I never felt insecure about my body or how I looked and I never felt any pressure from my mother or father to be anyone that I wasn't. I was lucky. I am telling you this because my experience with bulimia had nothing to do with insecurities about my physical appearance. It started as a way to try and control my stress and anxiety.

 

I was coming out of my first major depressive episode and, still not mentally well, I took the first of two consecutive jobs in which I was miserable. It was a perfect storm: lack of training, horrible management (which led to self-doubt and lowered self-esteem), high stress, and a miss-match in terms of values. These elements all added up to a new kind of misery. In addition to the onset of anxiety, I developed a reliance on food to soothe. Almost every night after work I would eat too much and then cause myself to throw up. I knew it was incredibly unhealthy yet I couldn't stop. The act of purging felt awful in the moment yet oddly calming afterwards. And then I immediately felt remorse, guilt and shame. The next day the cycle of misery, stress, shame, and guilt would start all over again.

 

There are no quick fixes in life. That is something that I have learned through many years and numerous ups and down with mental illness. My experience with bulimia, thankfully, lasted only about three years, off and on. It finally left when I started working at an amazing company, the one that I still work at today. For the last eight years I haven't experienced bulimia but I do still turn to food for comfort; however, certainly not to the dangerous extent that I did.

 

Life is a journey, as they say, and I am a work in progress. I try to view my life experiences as opportunities to grow, to share, and to help those who are on a similar path. It is National Eating Disorder Week in Canada. I am far from an expert on eating disorders but I do know that they can be devastating and deadly. I also know that they are not a weakness, rather an illness. And illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

This post is dedicated to my Partners for Mental Health colleagues, Casey and Aidan. Thank you for being braver than me at half my age (!) and inspiring me on a daily basis. And to those of you who I challenged to be brave and who were (and are), thank you for encouraging me to push the boundaries of my own comfort zone!

 

KB xo

 

P.S. For more information about eating disorders please visit the  National Eating Disorder InformationCentre

 



"Tipping Point"

 



I spend almost as much time selecting the image at the top of my blog posts as I do in writing them. This time I was certain that I was going to select something serious and stark - something that would grab you, my dear reader, by the neck. Something that would stir feelings deep within you and compel you to take up the fight. And then I decided on simplicity.

The topic of this post is Bell Let's Talk Day and this year I am feeling bold. The call to action that I feel in my gut is particularly strong right now. You see, I feel that we are at a tipping point. We are so close to creating a shift in how we view mental illness. We are so close and yet still so far. Frankly, I feel impatient.

I recently conducted some highly scientific (!) research. I asked my fellow Partners for Mental Health colleagues to answer these questions:
1. Do you feel that awareness of mental health issues in Canada has increased or remained the same over the past couple of years?
2. Do you feel that stigma has decreased or remained the same in the past couple of years?
3. What events or campaigns have positively impacted advocacy for mental health issues?

The results were unanimous.

Awareness of mental illness in Canada has increased in the past few years. Yes, more people are talking about it. It may be whispered or shared in confidence, but people seem to be talking more about these illnesses. That's in great part due to the efforts of the annual Bell Let's Talk campaign, the openness of athletes and public figures like Olympian Clara Hughes, and, very sadly, because of the death by suicide of the great Robin Williams.

Robin Williams, in particular, got the world talking. If you made the mistake of reading social media following his death you would have seen a slew of judgemental comments about how selfish he was and how he threw his wealth and success away. But people also started to question what they had believed to be true about mental illness. If one of the world's most talented people could be in pain and choose to take his life, perhaps there is more to this illness than I thought? Maybe depression is more than just being sad. Could it be?

So how do we make the shift from talking about mental illness to actually feeling empathy towards those who experience it? Do you have to experience it yourself to understand that pain is involved? I don't think so. I have never had cancer but I recognize that someone experiencing it will likely feel physical and emotional pain. I have never broken my arm but I understand that it probably hurts. So why is it such a leap for people to make that connection when it comes to mental illness?

As part of their 2015 campaign, Bell has introduced five simple ways to end stigma:
1. Language Matters
2. Be Kind
3. Educate Yourself
4. Listen and Ask
5. Talk About It

I think that these are all great suggestions. But there is one thing missing: YOU. Without you and your commitment to eradicating stigma, we have nothing. And if I could add a sixth suggestion it would be this: Be Brave.

On January 28, 2015 and beyond will you be a little bit brave with me? Together, we can start a conversation that matters.

KB xo

P.S. Visit the Bell Let's Talk site for more details about the campaign and how you can make a difference! Here are some interesting resources and article about mental illness:

Four Things Leaders Need to Know About Mental Illness

Are You Depressed and Don't Know It?

11 Habits of People With Concealed Depression

Persistent Stigma, Skepticism About Mental Illness Causes Real Harm