"Hummingbirds & Hope"



It has been two years since Adventures of a Survivor was born. Of course, I had no idea then what my future would hold - two more years on the hamster wheel of mental illness. It was so exhausting that at times I just wanted it to end. And by it, I mean everything. But here's the thing. Even when I was at my lowest ebb, I found some shred of strength and just kept going.

As I talk with people about mental illness and my own journey, two recurring misconceptions keep coming up - that people who are depressed are negative and that someone smiling can't possibly be depressed. There have been many times when my heart has clearly been pinned to my sleeve. You could take one glance at me and see my pain all over. But there have been the times when I have put on my mask and smiled through my discomfort and hurt. I have heard time and again, "But you always seem so positive and happy."

 

I have often felt discouraged by my illness, to put it mildly. And I have had negative experiences and interactions with people because of the depression. Well, because of the misunderstanding and stigma associated with depression. However, for some reason that I don't question, I have remained an optimist. Yes, there have been moments of "why me?" but I also know that I am not so special. One in five Canadians is currently fighting the same battle or will at some point in their lives.

 

"There will be times in your life when all you have left is hope for a better future. Never let go of that. Ever." ~ Robin Sharma

 

Hope is a powerful thing. When I felt it waning at times I would look for inspiration, something that is in abundance if you open your eyes to it. Hope, for me, was in the hugs from my niece and nephew. It was in a phone call from my best friend. It was in those effervescent hummingbirds dancing around my parents' garden on a summer afternoon. It was in a really good cup of coffee.

 

Depression can dull the small, simple pleasures in life. But it can also remind you how valuable those things really are, how integral they are to one's quality of life.

 

As you begin a new year, think about the small ways that you can make your life happier. No, I don't mean starting that diet or exercise routine. Yes, those can be wonderful things but I am talking about something different - cultivating hope and inspiration on a daily basis. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not leave your spirit depleted. Create a tea time ritual in the evenings - get a pretty tea cup and saucer and try a new tea. When you go for a walk, don't think about the to-do list waiting for you at work or at home - focus on the scenery. Find a charity that resonates with you and choose a way to support them that fits into your life. Ask yourself, "What is the one little thing that I can do today that will make my life a little better?" Then do it.

 

Yes, I have had to fight the same battle many times in twenty years. It is very likely that I will continue to do so, off and on for the rest of my life. I am OK with that now because I know two things: I can do it and I will never lose hope. Guess what? You can do it, too.

 

KB xo

 

P.S. Have you taken the Pledge yet? Pledge to eliminate stigma surrounding mental illness and challenge misconceptions: Partners for Mental Health

 

P.P.S. Thank you, Tara, for my beautiful new tea cup & saucer. You inspired my own new tea ritual!



"Re-set Button"



'Tis the season! The season for what, exactly? To be jolly? For some people, absolutely. For many people, not so much.

The holiday season is many things to many people. For me it has mostly been a great time of year, one that I look forward to. I admit it, I am a card-carrying Christmasphile (I just created that - now it's a thing). I love Christmas lights, Christmas trees, turkey dinner with pumpkin pie, Christmas movies, Christmas shopping, giving gifts (getting gifts!) and on and on. But there are some things that I don't like about the season, the top of the list being the associated stress and anxiety.

We are getting close to Christmas and now I am starting to see it and hear it: the negative impacts of this 'festive' season. My mom told me that the night after she put her tree up she woke up in the middle of the night cranky. Why? Because all she could think of was the mess of boxes and extra ornaments and decorations still in her living room that she would have to clean up the next day. All this work for about two weeks of  pleasure (pleasure?).

I have seen comments from my friends on facebook and messages from readers of this blog about the Christmas myth. The myth being that all are happy and bright. Not so.

Yes, I love Christmas. But I have my own complicated relationship with the holiday. As a child I adored it and it was all gifts and happy times for me. I was, as kids can be, oblivious to any family tension around me. My family is like any other - add a few relatives or in-laws, throw in high expectations and pressure to have that Hallmark card holiday and stir. It's the recipe for anxiety.

It wasn't until I was an adult that my mom confessed that Christmas is not her favourite thing, to put it mildly. I was shocked. How could she not love everything about it?! How could I have been oblivious to her feelings?! Hmmm. Could this be true? Could there be people who really don't like Christmas, who actually find it difficult?

As I became an adult and had my own ups and downs in life Christmas became a more complicated thing for me. I lost both my grandmothers around Christmas over the course of a few years. I experienced depression. I became hyper-aware of everyone else and what they might be feeling. I began a quest to find the perfect gifts for each person. Because, as we all know, a pile of expensive material things always makes things so much better. Right?

Not exactly. And that's when Christmas began to be not so much fun for me. It took me awhile to really understand that I couldn't make everyone 'merry and bright' - that was their own responsibility. Once I let that go, I let a lot of my own stress about the season go as well. I began to focus on what it was about Christmas that made me happy and tried to eliminate as much of the other stuff as I could.

This year has been the hardest of my life. I have learned to guard my well being more than I ever have before. It has only been about two months since a very dark and heavy depression began to lift. The silver lining of this experience (because there is always a silver lining) is that I have become much better at knowing when to hit my re-set button.

When I begin to feel overwhelmed and I can feel the anxiety creeping forward (shortness of breath, headaches, difficulty finding the words to express myself, racing heart), I hit re-set. Everyone's re-set button is different. For some it might involve being with people. For me it's the opposite - I need to be alone and quiet. I need to take deep breaths, stretch, and listen to calming instrumental music. Sometimes it's a short break in my day between responsibilities or social engagements. It might even be going to my nearby home on my lunch break for a quick cat nap during the work day. I understand better than ever the importance of doing what I need to for my mental health and physical wellness.

As for this Christmas season? I have scaled back my self-imposed sense of obligation to others. I am reminding myself on a daily basis of what is important to me in the grand scheme of things. So I don't make it to that dinner with friends before Christmas - big deal. I will see them in January instead. And gone is the long shopping list. This year it's small and inexpensive but still thoughtful (I won't give up the quest for a gift that someone will truly love).

I still love to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas from my childhood and think of my Grandma who always made Christmas, and every day of the year, special for me. I have found life to be a much happier and more contented place for me since I began to focus on the small, truly important things - all year 'round, but especially at this time of year.

When you feel that 'most wonderful time of the year' anxiety creeping forward, hit your own re-set button. Catch your breath. Take your time.

KB xo

P.S. Are you struggling this holiday season? First of all, it's natural so don't beat yourself up about it. But please do ask for help. Talk with a good friend, seek help from your employee assistance program (if you have one) or check out some resources online:

Canadian Mental Health Association
Partners For Mental Health

"All Around the World"



A friend shared with me recently that she has just been diagnosed with anxiety. So, let's see - carry the three, multiply by...Oh, forget it. I give up.

At this point I have stopped counting the number of close friends, colleagues, acquaintances, family members, etc. who have had or currently have a mental illness of some sort. This club just keeps growing. Mental illness is, without doubt, the disease of our time.

The statistic in Canada is one in five - 25% of Canadians have had or will have a mental illness sometime in their life. But I wonder about that number. What does it really mean? What about the ones who don't believe that mental illness is real? What about the ones who will never seek treatment let alone admit that anything is wrong? And what about the ones who don't have access to health care? A number without context never tells the real story.

I was questioning the accuracy of these numbers when I came across the recently published Washington Post article about the rates of mental illness around the world. The journal PLOS Medicine published a study that used data on the "prevalence, incidence and duration of depression to determine the social and public health burden of the disorder around the world." Their findings? Depression is the "second-leading cause of disability, with slightly more than 4 percent of the world's population diagnosed with it." That's right, second-leading cause of disability in the WORLD.

How do they know this? As the Washington Post article states, they couldn't exactly knock on every person's door and test them for clinical depression. Santa may be able to make it around the world in a night but it's not that easy for the rest of us. The researchers relied upon pre-existing data.

I won't go into the factors that influence rates of depression around the world - the Washington Post article does a great job of that. But what the author, Caitlin Dewey, concludes in her article is that with ageing and population growth not likely to slow down, neither will the problem - we need to address this issue. Dewey and I agree on that.

We also agree that without eliminating taboo & stigma and creating conversation, we'll never move forward to sufficiently turn this around. So I am going to challenge you, dear reader, to be a little bit brave. When you hear someone make a joke about mental illness, maybe don't laugh just because you think you should. If you think that someone near you may be suffering, let them know that you care - be available if they need to talk (without judgement). Ask questions, challenge the status quo. And if you are fighting mental illness, please seek medical help. You do not need to fight this alone.

We are all on a journey in this life. Maybe let's help each other along the way. Together, I know that we can create change.

KB xo

"Grace & Luck"



"There but for the grace of God go I." I recite this to myself often as I consider how lucky I am, through circumstance or chance or maybe even due to a higher power or purpose. Then again it could just be pure, dumb luck that I was born into a loving, supportive family. Luck that I was given everything that I need to live a life of comfort. Not everyone is so lucky.

Is it strange that I should be writing about luck? After 20 plus years battling depression and anxiety, I feel lucky? OK, maybe I am not super pleased that I have had to walk this path. But I am incredibly grateful that I have the means with which to equip myself for the battle: family support; access to a team of health care providers which has included, at various times, a psychiatrist and psychologists; a generous employer provided benefits package (expensive meds that are at no cost to me); and a roof over my head & food in my cupboards.

 

There is no doubt about it - treating mental illness comes at a cost. If I didn’t have everything that I have described above, I would be on the streets like so many poor souls. Souls just like me. These are people who have illnesses that should be treated, can be treated. But, sadly, aren’t. This is the world that we live in in 2013. Did I mention that I live in Vancouver, Canada? The same Vancouver that was recently listed as one of the most livable cities in the world. I think we made it into the top three. Yup, that Vancouver.

 

 

Vancouver really is a pretty great city and I adore it – I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. I was very proud when our mayor and chief constable recently announced jointly & publicly that we are facing a crisis, a crisis of severe, untreated mental illness in Vancouver. Obviously I am not proud that this is a crisis but I am really pleased that our top leaders are saying that this is not OK. We can no longer turn a blind eye to what is happening in our own backyard. Unfortunately, British Columbia’s Health Minister, Terry Lake, doesn’t agree.

 

In an op ed piece in the October 17, 2013 Vancouver Sun, Dr. Kerry Jang writes that Lake’s response was that we have a “problem, not a crisis” and that “more study to understand the scope of the problem” is needed. So the three studies already completed weren’t enough? Hmmm.

 

I am not an expert in mental health issues and the policy changes that need to happen in government. But I do know that the three studies, along with the statistic that one in three police calls in Vancouver is mental health related means one thing – it’s time for action. Let’s take what we have learnt, think innovatively, and perhaps use some of that money that must be sitting around for Minister Lake to throw at yet another study and eliminate a crisis. Let’s do what we can to help those who suffer from addiction & mental illness.

 

Tonight on the news there was a story about Vancouver’s missing women and memorial paving stones to be placed in the downtown East side in their honour. One of the clips showed the name and birth date of one of the murdered women: Sarah De Vries - May 12, 1969. That’s my birth date.

 

I Googled Sarah and her story is a sad one. A sex trade worker, she suffered from addiction and her life ended tragically at the hand of Robert Pickton. "There but for the grace of God go I."

 

 

So yes, I am damn lucky. And because of that I cannot remain quiet and do nothing. That would be a life full of gifts wasted. Yes, there is a cost to treating mental illness. But should there be? For what is the cost to society if we don't treat our sickest?

 

KB xo

 

Want to help out somehow? There are some easy ways to get involved. First of all, become educated and challenge assumptions and stigma when you hear them. Check out the Canadian Mental Health Association or Partners for Mental Health to learn more or to find out about volunteer opportunities.

 

Vancouver has two wonderful organizations that help out the mentally ill in Vancouver's downtown east side and can always use donations of money or needed items: the Union Gospel Mission and the Kettle Society

 

 

 

"Down the Rabbit Hole"

 

It's been awhile since I last wrote. Where have I been? Back down the rabbit hole. That damn rabbit hole leads to a dark place. A place that I have become well acquainted with over the years. A place that I hate visiting.

 

When I stopped falling I seemed to land with a thud. And, quite frankly, I was scared. I had tried to go back to work but after two weeks it was simply impossible for me to continue. I couldn't function and the anxiety was, once again, overwhelming. I felt devastated, like I was a failure. I wanted to be at work, living a normal life - not merely existing.

 

It has taken me a few weeks to regain some equilibrium. I feel like I can breathe again and I don't feel like I am walking through wet cement all the time anymore. Am I well yet? No but I made the choice that I always make. I chose to keep moving forward, even if that means that right now it's just small steps. At least it's forward motion.

 

This post is a step in that direction. Not as long as they usually are, it's a small personal victory. I may not be where I want to be right now, but I am getting there. Slowly but surely.

 

KB xo

"Hope & Tomorrow"

“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.' No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.” ~ Dalai Lama XIV 

Selfish. Attention seeking. Weak of mind. That's what we think when we hear someone has committed suicide, right? I admit that there was a time that I thought suicide was selfish. I thought how could anybody do that to their family and friends?  No regard for the pain that they would undoubtedly leave behind. I thought about the people left in the wake of the tragedy. I didn't think of the person themselves.

But that was before. That was before I knew what deep, unrelenting pain can feel like.

In 1841 a young lawyer wrote the following to his law partner: "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on Earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better, it appears to me." The young lawyer? Abraham Lincoln. He wrote of his pain and depression about 19 years before he became President of the United States and left a huge mark on history. Thank goodness he didn't choose death.

Some families have long histories of cancer or diabetes or some other particular disease to which many members are afflicted. In my family, the gene pool lottery came up with mental illness. There are at least three suicides that my mother can recall in her family tree and certainly many others of us who have lived with or are living through mental illness. *A cousin with schizophrenia walked into the North Saskatchewan River. An elderly uncle also walked into a river. And another shot himself.

Fun family history, huh? It makes me sad to think that these people who I never met but who are linked to me through family and shared experience, had lost all hope. Thankfully, I have never lost my own hope. In my worst days, and there have been countless, I have held onto those tiny shreds of hope and light. I have thought about letting go but never in a real way.

Nearly 3000 people on average commit suicide daily, according to the World Health Organization. For every person who completes a suicide, 20 or more may attempt to end their lives. If we do the math on that it amounts to about one million people who die by suicide each year.

So why do people do it? I strongly believe that nobody truly wants to die. They only want that deep, dark pain to end. Sometimes death feels like the only way to make that happen. But here's the bright spot in all this - suicide is 100% preventable.

The first step towards preventing suicide is to begin talking about mental illness. It's through conversation and education that we will eventually eliminate stigma. That is my greatest wish and hope and it's why I won't stop talking about something that so few want to talk about, still.

September 8 - 14 is World Suicide Prevention Week and the United Nations has declared Tuesday, September 10th World Suicide Prevention Day. You can honour those who have fallen and those who are still waging the war against mental illness by joining a global candlelight vigil and lighting a candle at 8pm in your time zone. If you are on Twitter, please tweet using the hashtag #WSPD.

Please join me in the discussion and the quest for understanding. Challenge your beliefs and those of others. As the Dalai Lama so wisely said, "If we lose our hope, that's our real disaster."

KB xo

* Please note that the family members who died by suicide came in generations before me.

P.S. If you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness or is suicidal, you must seek help. To learn more about mental illness please check out these great resources: World Suicide Prevention Day ; Partners for Mental Health and Canadian Mental Health Association

"There are Always Cupcakes"



Advice. According to the Oxford dictionary, the word advice is defined as: noun; guidance or recommendations concerning prudent future action, typically given by someone regarded as knowledgeable or authoritative.

Have you noticed that the world is full of people who love to give unsolicited advice? And I would wager that 99.9% of the time, the 'advice' provided is neither prudent nor given by someone regarded as knowledgeable. Sorry, Oxford dictionary.

When it comes to mental illness there is an endless supply of this so-called advice. It's almost always well meaning. Most of the time it comes from wanting to say something reassuring but there is almost always a lack of understanding that mental illnesses are just that - illnesses. Real illnesses.

In the two decades since my first diagnosis of depression, sometimes living with full blown major depressive episodes and sometimes in remission, I have pretty much heard it all and read it all. I accept and understand that my illness has to do with my brain circuitry and a hereditary disposition. Yes, there have also been situational stressors that have aggravated the illness at times, but that has not been the root cause of it for me.

I also understand that there are many things that I can do to try and maintain a healthy lifestyle: eat well, practice good sleep hygiene (yes, it's a thing), get regular exercise, manage stress, and surround myself with positive, supportive people.

But here's the kicker, people. These things will not always prevent a relapse. I cannot control my illness any more than someone with cancer can. Yes, I can (and do) treat my illness with both a scientific approach (with the professional guidance of my doctor) as well as holistically in the ways that I outlined above. Quite simply, I do everything that I can to mitigate risk of relapse.

And here, again, is a big difference between those of us who have been diagnosed with mental illness versus someone who has an illness or disease that shows up in a more physical manner: we get a lot of ridiculous, often annoying and sometimes hurtful, so-called advice. My favourites over the years have been "Just smile and think about all the good things in your life" and "Go for a walk and get some fresh air."

Granted, this is solid advice if you are sad or angry. That's because sad and angry are feelings - not illnesses. Focusing on the good or a bit of exercise can change your feelings fairly quickly, and that's a great thing. It doesn't work so quickly and effectively for someone battling a disease such as depression. These things alone will not make the black dog of depression go away.

I know it is really hard to understand this if you haven't experienced it yourself so I will compare depression to cancer, again. Would you tell someone fighting cancer to just go for a walk or think happy thoughts and expect that to be solid advice in which to battle that particular disease? Perhaps not.

Why is this well-meaning advice hurtful at times? Because it can be delivered in a way that can come across as dismissive and condescending. And sometimes, it's given with an undertone of 'you just aren't trying hard enough." A person experiencing a major depressive episode is already dealing with the feeling of being alone and overwhelmed, with feelings of inadequacy and guilt; the last thing they need to feel is misunderstood or that people lack empathy and caring.

Please don't let any of the above stop you from sharing some supportive words of hope, however. Hope is literally a lifeline to a person experiencing mental illness. While 'advice' is everywhere, kind gestures can be rare. Just take a moment to consider that the pain is real and all they really want to hear is that you are there for them. And if you still really want to provide a moment of comfort why not choose from this list, all of which are solid suggestions in my opinion:

 

Knowing that there are always cupcakes is a good thing.

 

KB xo