"Golden Repair"

A person who has a mood disorder often feels broken, sometimes irreparably so. At times we know that what we are experiencing is fleeting and it will go away; the darkness will recede and we will once again feel whole. Sometimes it is more difficult to believe that the light will return at all.

This is on my mind a lot lately. In the last week alone I have had three anxiety attacks and my mood and anxiety have been very off for the last few weeks.

After two decades of living with recurring depression and anxiety I accept that what I have is a chronic illness - it is never far from my mind when I am well. I approach each day and week with this in mind and I always have a game plan. What is in my calendar at work? Do I have a few days with back to back meetings and little downtime to work quietly at my desk? Is my social calendar too full or just right? If I do this thing on Tuesday will I be exhausted on Wednesday? How will that impact the rest of my week? How will I ensure that I eat properly? 

Managing my mental health requires daily attention and I am constantly assessing things and measuring the impact on my life and health. Many people don't understand that. When someone says, "but it's just for one day" when they ask me to take something big on, they don't get that it's never just about one day for me. I am a little like that duck on the pond - I may look at peace but under the water I am paddling like mad.

I have gotten much better about recognizing what is good for me and what is not so good. But having an understanding of the negative impact that something might have on my mental health is one thing. I also need to advocate for myself and sometimes make some hard choices to safe guard my well-being.

Speaking up for myself is not always easy or comfortable. I used to fear it, especially in the workplace. Like anything, however, with practice it gets easier. And I know that when I voice a concern for myself, I am also doing it for others - friends and colleagues who don't feel safe or comfortable doing so themselves.

The lovely thing that I have discovered during my life with mental illness is this: I am not alone. I have come to see over the years that there are many of us who occasionally feel broken. But here's the secret - shh, don't tell anyone - none of us is actually broken. Our cracks and blemishes actually make us stronger and that is a really beautiful thing. 

The Japanese have an art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with gold, silver or platinum. It's a process called Kintsugi or Golden Repair. 

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” ― Barbara Bloom

What a truly lovely idea. Perhaps we can learn something from this. Rather than feeling shame for illness that is often perceived as weakness, what if we actually brought attention to the beauty of our strength instead? And here's the other thing that I know for certain: that golden light of hope and happiness can and will come back.

KB xo

"Words of Wisdom: Let it Be"

The world is full of helpers. I know this to be true because I see the beauty of it every day in the people around me: colleagues, friends, family, people on social media and in the news. The thing that most of humankind seem to have in common is a desire to help others and to reduce suffering. It's easy to become jaded in this world when we see something bad happen but, as Mr. Rogers said so famously, always look for the helpers. They are there.

This week I posted the following on Facebook and it generated a fair amount of discussion:

The conversation among my friends and I got me thinking. I was left asking myself this question, "Why such a reaction about this particular post?"

To be clear, I absolutely do not oppose a wide variety of treatment options when it comes to illness. In fact, a combination of things has been the key to my care plan over the years. And, it should be noted, I do not endorse one form of treatment over another - it's up to you and your health care practitioner to decide what is best for you.

But none of this has anything to do with treatment options and whether or not I think that yoga is a good idea. It's about the need for us to feel that we are helping. We care so when we learn that someone close to us is unwell, we often move quickly to suggesting solutions. We want to make it better. But is that the best thing than we do? Is offering solutions actually helpful? Does it only make the person offering the advice feel better?

Over the years as I have lived through difficult times with my depression, I have received a lot of advice from people. All well-meaning and the majority of it unsolicited. I'll tell you how it makes me feel when someone quickly offers advice: frustrated, annoyed and not very good about myself or the situation. Please don't assume that because I have an invisible illness that I am not actively working with my doctor (sometimes more than one) to treat my illness and that I have not considered many options.

As is often the case when I am working through an idea for a post, the universe sends me something to let me know if I am on the right path. Early this morning I came upon this article written by Parker J. Palmer entitled The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice. This is one of those article that I wish I had written because it captures exactly how I feel. One paragraph in particular touched me:

"Here's the deal. The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed - to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make the kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul's healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through."

I have provided advice to people when they haven't asked for it. I want to be a good helper, too; to make the pain of someone that I love go away. But the best way to help? It is to listen, to accept the situation for what it is. Sometimes the best thing that I can do is to let it be.

KB xo

Want to support someone with a chronic illness? Here are some resources:

10 Things You Should Say to Someone with a Chronic Illness

9 Best Ways to Support Someone with Depression

"Hey, It's OK!"

I haven't felt like writing in a long time. The fall months and the Christmas season were hard on me - I struggled with my depression and anxiety on an almost daily basis. It was tiring. I just didn't have the energy to write nor did I have the inspiration. 

Sometimes life is like that. It can't always be constant sunshine and happiness, at least not when you live with a recurring mood disorder. It certainly didn't help that I found the U.S. election results deeply upsetting and the Christmas season just too much (too much of everything).

So how did I manage? What did I do to avoid free-fall into another depressive episode? I pulled out my mental health bag of tricks: I got lots of rest, I played with our dog, I took my medication every day at the same time, I read good books, I tried to eat as healthy as possible and I talked about my illness.

Yes, I talked about what I was feeling and experiencing. I talked to my carpool buddy & friend, Lindsay, who was a frequent support to me. I talked to my mom and my brother and my dad. And I talked to my manager and colleagues (who are really more like friends - yes, I am lucky). 

I am highlighting this particular tool because it helps. Cognitive behavioural therapy is a form of therapy that combines talking with exploring how your thoughts impact your mental health and well-being. It can be an important tool in the treatment of mental disorders and it has certainly helped me in the past. But CBT can be expensive if you don't have healthcare benefits that cover it. And if you are experiencing mild depression or anxiety, it can be very effective to just talk about your challenges with a friend, family member or your family doctor.

I recognize that it can be frightening to take that first step and tell someone how you are feeling. So here is what I want you to know: YOU are not alone. There are people who love you and want to help. In my early days of gingerly stepping out of the closet of mental illness I was surprised and comforted by the fact that so many people that I shared my story with have either experienced a mood disorder or they have someone close to them that has.

January 25th is once again Bell Let's Talk Day in Canada. It's an important opportunity to speak about a topic that still carries the weight of misunderstanding, stigma and silence. If you are a person who is experiencing a mental health challenge, please know that is is OK - it's OK to lighten your load and ask for help. And if someone chooses you to share their challenges with, it's OK to not have any answers. Simply listening in a non-judgemental manner is an act of friendship.

Finally, it's OK to not be perfect. Perfection is highly overrated, anyway. And guess what? I feel better for talking to YOU today. Thanks for being there.

KB xo

P.S. If you live in British Columbia and are seeking help for a mood disorder, please check out the Canadian mental Health Association B.C.'s Bounce Back Program. It is free with a doctor's referral and offers some great tools and resources.

"Your Brain on Food"

You are what you eat. You know that saying. Your are only as healthy as what you put into your body. We often equate the strong and virtuous of us with the ones making 'healthy choices'. The athletic-looking person in their workout gear drinking a smoothie. Or the mom in the grocery store only buying organic produce and natural foods for her children. We admire this.

Conversely, we see an overweight person with a grocery cart full of processed foods and we judge. We do. I would wager that almost all of us do. Society has a bias about health. Many biases, in fact.

Today is the first day of the Welfare Food Challenge here in Metro Vancouver. I have signed up to live on an $18 food budget for the week of October 16th to the 22nd. As part of this challenge participants cannot accept charity, free food or eat food that is already in their fridge or cupboards. Why $18 and why did I choose to participate? People who live in poverty in British Columbia and receive welfare subsist on a weekly food budget of $18 per person. B.C. is the only province without a poverty reduction plan. We are also the province with the most wealth inequity in Canada; Vancouver is home to the poorest and the richest neighborhoods our country.

The subject of poverty and welfare is a touchy one. Many believe that people on welfare are lazy and should just get a job. Others believe that people on welfare are taking advantage of the system. I am sure that sometimes this is the case. The face of poverty, however, is not what we think it is. Poverty impacts those already most marginalized in our communities: Aboriginal people, people with disabilities and mental health disorders, new immigrants/refugees, and single moms (who are employed) and their children. Yes, it's true - you do not have to be unemployed to live in poverty. It's a tragedy that in a developed nation in 2016 that this is the reality for so many.

This all makes me sad and angry. So I signed up to participate in the challenge. If you want to see change then you need to participate in that change. I spent two weeks considering my grocery list and scouting out spots where I could get the best deals (Dollar Tree and Superstore, for the record). I began my shopping. And I talked about it. I talked about it a lot - with fellow challenge participants, with colleagues, family and on social media. Here's the photo that I took of the food that I had purchased as of the middle of last week, with $5 left in my budget.

The photo is in black and white for a reason: the diet lacks colour. What it has in abundance are carbohydrates, sodium (!) and refined sugar. When I had to decide between eating healthy for a week (whole foods) and feeling full, I chose feeling full. But this photo caused me to pause. It also raised a red flag for some people close to me. 

Two people asked me, based on my continuing challenges with depression and anxiety, if it is wise for me to be participating in this challenge. Um, good point. I was getting caught up in advocating for an incredibly important topic and forgetting about my daily commitment (and battle) to maintain my own mental and physical health. According to the Harvard Health Publications, "Multiple studies have found a correlation between a diet high in refined sugars and impaired brain function - and even worsening symptoms of mood disorders, such as depression." I already know this. I also know that I need to put the brakes on. So no Welfare Food Challenge for me this year.

There are no winners when it comes to poverty and food insecurity. The fact that poverty affects those already most challenged in society makes it that much worse. I don't actually need to eat poorly for a week to understand the impact that it has on one's body and mind - I, and the rest of society, just need to be more aware that many of us are walking a challenging path. What I have learned in the past few weeks as I prepared for the challenge is to be more aware of my own privilege and to be less judgemental about those around me. Maybe that person who is buying the processed food at the grocery story is doing so because that is what they can afford. Maybe they are simply doing the best that they can with what they have.

As you enjoy your Sunday brunch out today or even a simple cup of coffee (a luxury to many) consider this: how the food that you put in your body can impact your overall health and well being. Then, consider what food security and poverty mean to the health and well being of our communities overall. Is a healthy body and mind a privilege for only a few?

KB xo

Learn more about nutrition and mental health:

Royal College of Psychiatrists: Eating Well and Mental Health
Dietitians of Canada: The Role of Nutrition in Mental Health Promotion and Prevention
The Globe and Mail: Can Your Diet Shape Your Mental Health??

"Jagged Little Pill"

How are you? How many times a day or over the course of a week are you asked this? We say that sentence so often without really meaning it. When was the last time that you asked that question and actually waited to hear the answer? If you heard the answer, were you really listening? It's a simple question with a not so simple answer at times.

October 2nd to 8th is Mental Illness Awareness Week in Canada. 'Illness', rather than 'health' - there is a subtle difference. Mental Illness Week is an opportunity to speak about the realities of mental illness rather than just overall mental health (which we all have, by the way, just like physical health). And the reality is that mental illness is still so misunderstood, which is why so many of us shy away from talking about it or reaching out for help or treatment if we think we might be ill.

A mood disorder can have a large impact on one's life. Depression, for example, can impact everything from your physical health (chronic headaches and back pain are not uncommon) to your cognitive abilities (difficultly concentrating), in addition to an overall depressed mood. It can be all encompassing for the individual. 

One of the more controversial subjects related to mood disorders is the subject of treatment. There are very real barriers to treatment and recovery. A big one is stigma. When society continues to downplay the importance and validity of mental illness in comparison to physical illness, it helps no one. Stigma is incredibly damaging. Stigma discriminates. Stigma kills. It's real and it's serious.

Admitting to yourself that you are not well and that you might need help can be a very steep hill to climb when you think that you won't be supported or believed. Receiving a diagnosis of depression can be a hard pill to swallow. Now imagine that you choose a course of treatment and, again, the world tells you that you are wrong. Which brings me to medication.

To medicate or to not medicate. That is the question. And it's a big question for so many of us who experience a mood disorder. And in Canada, that is one out of five of us. Not an insignificant number, certainly.

Before I go any further I want to say this: every single person who experiences a mood disorder is unique. I do not believe that one size fits all when it comes to treatment. I am not promoting one form of treatment over another. What I am strongly encouraging is for those of you who may require treatment, that you arm yourself with knowledge and be honest with your physician about what you are experiencing. Then make a decision that is best for YOU.

Over the years I have had a partnership with my doctor; we have discussed medications as well as natural options and talk therapy. As my illness has evolved, so has my treatment. I am not ashamed to say that I take a medication. But I don't consider that to be a cure or the answer to my illness. Nope - not at all. Taking a medication is just one tool in my mental health kit. Among the other tools are things such as plenty of sleep, a balanced diet and regular exercise (OK, full disclosure - this is an ongoing work in progress!), a strong social network for support, a fulfilling job, and a sense of purpose. When my depression was deep, I also participated in cognitive behavioral therapy.

My biggest life lesson through 20 years of mental illness is this: do what is right for you. Ask yourself: how am I? How am I, really? Drown out all the voices around you; listen to the answer.

KB xo

* For more information about treatment visit the Mayo Clinic website.
* Learn about the Not Myself Today campaign and learn about the impact that mental illness has in Canadian workplaces.

"Fight or Flight"

My heart is beginning to race. I start shuffling from one foot to the other. Don't cry - just breathe. I said, don't cry! Breathe. Now my heart is beating fast. Just concentrate. Breathe. Don't cry. I catch my mom's eye. "I am having an anxiety attack," I whisper. I whisper when I want to yell.

It's 10:15 am on Saturday morning and we are at the gym in the middle of a training session. I am in a safe place, with friends and family, doing something that always makes me feel better when I am experiencing depression. Except for today. And this is not depression. This is anxiety in all its glory.

I last fifteen minutes before I make for the door. I quietly, because I am embarrassed, explain that I need to leave. I spend the next fifteen minutes in my car, sobbing. Watching people around me going about their Saturday morning errands as if nothing is wrong; as if today is any other Saturday. Me, with tears running down my cheeks. It doesn't feel like any other Saturday.

If you have never experienced an anxiety attack it must be very difficult to imagine what one feels like and how they occur. They are often completely irrational, although, unlike with depression (in my personal experience), they can easily be triggered by stress (at work or in your personal life) or as a result of a situation (for me, that is when I find myself in small, loud spaces). 

As has often been said, the mind and body are one. What you experience in your brain will impact your body. Here are some common symptoms for anxiety. And yes, I have experienced them all.

After my anxiety attack (also commonly referred to as a panic attack), I was hungry and exhausted. I spent the afternoon sleeping and cancelled my plans for the evening. Coincidentally, I was supposed to be at a mental health fundraiser tonight. If there is anything that you can feel OK about when you have to cross off your 'must do' list, it's attending a mental health event when you need to put your mental health first. 

And yet, even after all these years, the guilt that I carry when I cancel something is a heavy weight. My health is my priority, as it should be. However, I still worry that people view me as flaky or unreliable. When you have mental illness, your inner dialogue can be particularly cruel. It can be hard to turn the volume down some days.

I share this experience for the same reason that I share all of my experiences: for greater understanding of disorders that remain so stigmatized. Please, no sympathy - do not feel sorry for me. I often find myself waging a battle against chronic illness but so do many other people in this world. And yet I find myself a little bit mad for feeling embarrassed earlier today. So maybe this is also a little bit for me. Maybe it's a little bit about learning to let go of my own self stigma. Maybe we can fight this battle together.

KB xo

"How to Stay Sane in an Insane World"

This morning before I turned on the news I thought to myself, 'It's probably safe to turn on the television. So much bad stuff has happened recently - nothing else could have happened in the last day or so. I am sure I won't be faced with any sadness first thing in the morning.' Boy was I wrong. Three police officers shot and killed in the United States. This is on the heals of the tragedy in Nice, France. And few days ago a little girl and her mother were murdered in Alberta. And so on. Does it ever end?

Wars, terrorism, a contentious presidential race in the U.S. and civil rights demonstrations - it's all a bit much. Even the most positive of us can start to feel worn down by all of this. An American study of 2,500 people by NPR (National Public Radio), The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Harvard School of Public Health found that "about 1 in 4 said that they had experienced a great deal of stress in the previous month" and that they attributed it to watching, reading or listening to news.

All this exposure to bad news is just not healthy for any of us. If you live with a mood disorder it can be dangerous. I live with a chronic illness. My depression is sometimes in remission and sometimes it is not. Like a diabetic who is regulalry checking their blood sugar levels, I also keep a vigilant eye on my mood. When healthy, I never forget that relapse is not impossible - I do what I can to mitigate that risk. And that means I am always aware of the energy around me. Right now the energy in the world sucks, to put it frankly.

So far that's a lot of bad news, correct? Well here's the thing - there are some things that you can control in a world that seems to have lost it's collective mind. 

Step one: turn off the TV. Then power off your computer and cell phone. Don't read the newspaper. Take a break from Facebook and Twitter. This might be the simplest remedy - stop the flow of bad news that reaches you via media. If you, like me, find it important to stay in touch with what is happening in the world, go ahead and stay connected but take a break from it every once in awhile. When I heard the sad news about the police officer this morning, I immediately turned off the TV. I didn't need to hear the details re-told over and over again. 

Step two: do something that makes you happy. In my case, this morning I made myself a cup of Kona coffee and drank it out of one of my favourite handmade pottery mugs while I sat outside in the sunshine and listened to the birds; simple yet a really effective mood-lifter for me. Read a good book, take a walk with a friend, hug your kid, make something. You don't need to do something big or spend a lot of money to shift your mood. In my experience it really is the simple things and moments that make me happiest and most content.

Step three: look for the good. Look for the helpers in the world - they are all around us. They just don't seem to get as much attention as the 'bad guys'. I don't have to look very far to find these things in my own life. I have some amazing friends and colleagues who create a lot of good energy in the world. I am drawn to those who want to create and live meaningful, healthy and happy lives. Their energy is contagious and I soak it up.

Step four: do something! Sometimes we can feel helpless in the face of injustices that happen on the world stage. You don't have to be a Prime Minister or President to be able create change. We all have a stake in this and we can each do things to create a better world. Find a local organization to volunteer with, participate in local community events, read books on topics that matter to you. Help influence change. Participating in your community can help you feel that you are part of the solution and that can feel really good.

No, we can't control the majority of what happens in this big world of ours. But we can control our own little worlds to an extent. Do what you can to cultivate calm, peace and gratitude in your life. It may take practice but it is so worth the effort. 

KB xo

Bingeing on Bad News Can Fuel Daily Stress

Volunteering Can Improve Your Mental Health and Help You Live Longer

Harvard Health Publications: Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier